Adult Married Daughter Issues

I have to be honest, I don't share anything with my mother about problems I might be having with my husband. I used to and she would just start bashing him. Just because I'm angry with him doesn't mean I don't love him and want to leave him. I'd start talking, just to get it off my chest, and she would start judging.

If she chooses to share just remember to be sympathetic with out being judgmental. "I'm sorry the two of are having problems, every marriage goes through ups and downs."

M

I am divorced.

I made a mistake, I think, sharing some issues early on with my family.

My primary concern was my exes drinking.

I was 'advised' to be nicer by not only HIS family, but mine.

**sigh**

Now, over 10 years post divorce, the ex is in end stage liver failure.

*I* am as nice as I ever was! lol

I wish now I had not 'shared' with family. I spent some miserable years, and inflicted my kiddos with situations they should never have been exposed to.

"Families" can NOT be the objective people that can assist in navigating difficult marital issues.

Just my experience.

Be supportive.

Recommend outside help.

Stay neutral.

Best Luck!

if you're very close, why do you need to change anything? she's obviously someone who processes stressful situations privately. she's an adult. she's allowed to do that.
don't get all glommy up in her business.
khairete
S.

I consider my relationship with my parents to be close but I don't discuss my marriage with any members of my family. It's private. I seek help and support in other ways (counseling, one or two few very, very close friends who have been in complex relationships themselves and "get it," endless questions to all of you here LOL). Sometimes I feel weird that strangers on the internet know more about what I'm dealing with than my parents or siblings do, but I don't want to involve them because he's part of their family too. I worry that if I shared some of our ugly truth, they would be angry with him or wonder why I stay or have some other strong reaction and then I put in on them to be quiet and civilized and not say anything at family functions? That's not fair to them, and frankly, I don't want to be accountable to everyone else in my family.

My style is that when something serious or complex is going on, I share with family when a decision has been made and I'm confident in the direction that I'm going in. To share before that means that they'll be worried and anxious, will constantly ask how I'm doing or what's happening, etc. and that's just not helpful to me. I'm more likely to say "here's what's going on, here's what we decided, here's what would be helpful if you feel like you want to help in some way" and then deal with the fallout.

Just wanted to share in case that sounds like your daughter. It doesn't mean that I don't love my parents and value their insight, but I don't want to burden or worry them, especially in a complicated situation that's in flux.

I think you should back off, and let her handle stress in her life the way it is best for her. Don't take it personally, and be there for her when she's ready to come back.

Many people (especially introverts) when stressed take care of themselves by keeping to themselves more. This is a totally natural and ok way to react.

Did you ever see the TV show "One Day At A Time"? McKensie Philips gets married in the show and comes home after a fight with her husband, trying to talk to her mother about how she is upset with him. Her mother, instead of participating in her daughter's rant about her husband, tells her "Go home and tend to your marriage."

I was young then when that show was on, but I never forgot that. After I got married, I remembered it when my husband and I got into arguments.

The issues with her husband are not your business. She evidently doesn't want to make it your business, either. You need to respect that.

If I told my Mom about every spat me and Hubby had - she'd never forgive him - and it's not my Mom's place to be holding any grudges where my Hubby is concerned.
She can't and shouldn't be filling you in on their married business.
Let your adult daughter handle her adult relationships.

I think it's healthy. She's focusing on her marriage. She has to think about her relationship, and she's going to spend less time with you and she's not going to share her private information with you. A lot of parents actually think less of the husband in these situations. Parents aren't objective either - so their advice is often designed to heal their child's hurt, and not always to face it and look at her own shortcomings.

I had a friend who got divorced because of her husband's horrible alcoholism, and she never said much about it at all. She felt that, if she ever reconciled with him, people would be holding grudges against him. She went to counseling to deal with it confidentially. She missed out on a lot of support from friends in some ways, but she earned people's respect in other ways.

When our kids grow up and have a serious relationship, we lose something in many ways. Same thing when they have children. We have to split holidays and accept other changes that aren't always fun. But we have to take comfort in the fact that we raised them well enough to leave the nest and our protection.

IMHO, the best thing you can do is to respect her boundaries.

Even when she does share marital problems with you, do your best to stay out of it and point her in the direction of a qualified neutral party.

She may be embarrassed that she shared too much with you regarding her marriage. Or maybe she feels like she has to work things out for herself. Either way your best bet is to keep the door open without smothering her.

You might want to read about how to have proper boundaries with an adult child, while still remaining a loving parent.

If you "just tell her she needs to work it out and her Dad and I are always here for her," then maybe that's why she pulls away when she is having marital issues.

When I am having issues of any kind, I usually only tend to talk to people who are helpful. If someone said to me, "You just need to work it out," I wouldn't go to that person for advice any more.

While I think that mothers should not get enmeshed in their children's marriages, I do think they should be available to give advice when asked. My daughter does ask me for advice, and I give it when asked. I personally would have liked to have a wise parent to give me advice, not slowly figure it out all on my own, as I had to.

The other possibility is that this is just the way your daughter deals with things. As long as you are "very close" otherwise, I guess you just have to wait it out until your daughter solves her marital issues. Maybe she's talking to her girlfriends.

I think Michelle and the others make good points.

Suz - "glommy up in her business" lol.

Without sounding too harsh, it is not your place to fix anything for your daughter and her husband. It is time for both you and your husband to realize she truly is a grown adult and needs to handle things on her own. It will cause more problems in her marriage if you are too involved. Listen, if/when, she talks to you, but please, do not try to solve anything. She and her better half need to figure it out on their own.

Oooh! bad idea. Generally speaking, when a couple is arguing or struggle, they solve their issues faster if they turn to each other and NOT turn to people outside of the marriage. That's not to say she should never talk to you about her feelings, but if she and her husband are communicating with each other, she's doing just fine.

ETA

Perhaps he feels left out or slighted by your not spending enough time with him. Why not make an effort to spend more time together as 2 couples instead of my daughter and him.

*****************************

It sounds like she needs to spend more time with her hubby and work on those things instead of spending so much attention with you guys.

Please consider finding some hobbies or travel some where she can spend less time with you guys.

I know that sounds backwards but what if he's hurt she spends so much time with or talking about you? What if he asks her to limit her time with you guys and she's doing that? Falling back into her habits of being close to you guys might be what's harming her marriage. He might be saying what about me? I'm your husband.

So find some things to keep you busy and see if she and her hubby do better.

Maybe just tell her?
Say "Sarah, I know you & Bob have your ups and downs, but Dad nor I won't interfere in your marriage. You can tell me anything and I'm not keeping score. I love you both but you're my daughter and that will never change. Please don't pull away when you guys have issues. I miss you!"

just give her the space she wants while having a dispute with her hubby. you know she will talk to you if she needs you and will be close again when her world is calm again.
one thing to do is make sure hes not beating her so that she has to hide till the bruises heal... that would be the only thing you need to do other than give her the space to work it out on her own.
i go to my mom for advice and she gives me her opinion. and has never told me to just work it out on my own. and thats why i go to her. shether her opinion is helpful or not she tries to help.