When Is It Tattletaling or Just Informative?

My nieces' daycare had a "Tattle Phone", if the child wanted to "report" what another child was doing he/she could pick up the Tattle Phone (just a toy phone) and "leave a message" about the incident. If they see something that is dangerous they are to tell a teacher. Maybe suggest that to her care providers.

The line is, it's not her job to report others' behavior. She is a student and should be concentrating on her own behavior. From the teachers perspective, they can't really discipline or deal with situations they haven't witnessed, so it's not quite helpful. The ONLY time she should be correcting another student or reporting to the teachers is if something is unsafe.

If she does it all the time she's being a tattletale.
It gets to the point where it's ridiculous. Kids are gonna do things they aren't supposed to do, the teacher does not need a classroom monitor. Sometimes kids just need to mind their own business.
Them coming to you about it likely means they've already tried to stop her from doing it and she continues to do it.
I think VM really hit the nail on the head.

wow. ok i am not going to read the other responses. i can tell from the tone you're using that you are taking this VERY personally and you have already made up your mind that your daughter is doing nothing wrong. i get where you are coming from, but yes, as you mentioned, you're getting a bit overboard with the mama bear thing imo.

i am coming from the other perspective - i hate tattling. and if you are a preschool teacher hearing it constantly all day, i bet they get sick of it too. it's not a "problem" for YOU, if you depend on your child to keep tabs on the younger sibs and you're encouraging it and taking advantage of a kid's propensity to tattle. but as a teacher, it IS your job to watch ALL of the kids, and it gets really old, a 4 year old thinking she needs to do it for you. i run an office of women and it's the same thing. sometimes i just want to tell them, "mind your own business - it's MY job to run this department and make sure everyone is doing their job. you just do yours." same kind of principle you know? it's NOT your daughter's responsibility to "monitor" the other kids. if it is getting too frequent, then yes, it's a problem. i imagine they are telling you so that you can help curb it at home, thereby lessening it at school. i really don't think it's unreasonable at all. maybe you and the teacher already rub each other the wrong way so this is really irking you more than it would otherwise...

yes, i agree with the teachers. too much tattling is really not a good thing. if someone is in danger of being hurt then yes by all means, tell someone. but doing something they shouldn't isn't any of her business, quite frankly....and yes. she will be more well liked if she stays out of it. sorry to say but it's a fact of life. i wouldn't want someone following me around reporting every misstep i took all the time...would you?

Calling an accredited preschool (I assume it IS accredited based on your tone?) a "glorified day care" is incredibly disrespectful. If you are so much smarter than they are then keep your daughter home and home school her from there.
You don't have time for what they have to say, and yet YOU ARE PAYING THESE PEOPLE to care for/teach your child?!
Sounds like you need to start your own preschool.

I would explain to your daughter that at home, she's helping you because her siblings are younger and you want to keep them safe. But at school, she's only responsible for herself so unless someone is hurting someone or might get hurt themselves, she should leave it to the teachers to watch. I've seen at my daughters' preschools that constant tattling is discouraged. Imagine if all the kids were doing it all the time. The teachers would go nuts. And I think the teachers want to promote kids just working things out, being a bit independent etc. I know if I have a friend of one of my daughter's over and they keep coming to tell me little things one of my daughters are doing, I get annoyed. Usually it's something I'm fine with my kids doing and I feel like it's none of their business to be honest. And what other kids are doing at school is kind of none of your daughter's business too unless it's potentially dangerous. I think kids too start to dislike other kids perceived as tattletales. At 4 your daughter likely wants to please and it pleases you at home so she thinks it's great. But it may have gone to far outside your home.

EDIT: You obviously feel really strongly so why did you ask? It sounds like you're not happy with this preschool. I'm not sure why you're sending her if it's just glorified daycare and the teachers don't do anything. I didn't feel like that about my daughters' preschool so perhaps my perspective is different. The teachers were doing a lot of teaching. And in my opinion there's a big difference between telling a kid to shut up in order to be popular vs a kid who is always tattling. To stretch it to make that comparison seems to me like maybe you're really emotional about this. It's like someone who is the parent of a bully saying that they're not going to tell their child not to be a leader... There are differences between these extremes.

My first suggestion is to find a baby sitter for the younger two And go to school and watch your daughter through the window. For this tattling and what ever other issues you might be having with the school.

As for the tattling,You don't want your sweet daughter spending her whole morning at preschool watching the other kids and not participating in what she should be doing, do you? You want her to play and have fun. To do the art projects and listen to stories. Her Teachers job is to keep everyone safe, and she has to trust that they will do that.

The teachers have lots of other little bodies to be taking care of and if they have to be interupted by your daughter every two minutes because a is picking her nose and b just put the blocks back on the top shelf instead of the bottom shelf, Then it will be taking away from the time and energy they have to actually TEACH.

Now the flip side to this is that maybe A and B have problems and maybe they have autism, or some sort of behavioral issue and the teachers are dealing with the big ticket items with them like not hitting or biting, so they let the little things like ripping up the snack napkin or taking off their shoes slide because they need to not be harrassing the kid over every little thing. You can encourage your daughter to be a good example for a and b and help her to try to ignore those behaviors, OR you could always complain and try to get those kids kicked out.

If my kid was tattling ALOT, I would want to know. In every aspect of my kids education i want to be involved and let the teachers know where these behaviors are coming from, i.e. ''I probably encourage that at home since she helps me to monitor my other chilren.'' AND to work with them to make my daughters experience the best it can be. So if that means, I ask the teacher ''how they address the issue with her at school so that i can be consistent at home'', then so be it. If the teacher's rule is please tell me if someone is in danger, then at home-- tell her that the teachers rule is to only tell if someone is in danger, such as standing on a table, choking, bleeding, cutting something with scissors that isn't paper, leaving the room unattended, plugging up the toilet etc.

not being mean here, but been there done that, You may come to regret this behavior at home in another year or two when your little ones are big enough to start getting into the game and everyone is tearing down everyone else, You'll be spending alot of your precious time dealing with he saids and she saids.

Tattling is constantly tattling. My 5 year old and 3 year old are prone to it, and I've shut it down at home by explaining the difference between telling me something I really need to know, and just tattling. It's universal that day cares do not appreciate it. My oldest was in daycare part time when she was three/four, and I always saw the teachers telling the kids not to tattle. Back the teacher up on this one. Tell your daughter not to do it. Enforce.
Actually no, it's NOT something the teachers have time for in their busy day which is why they dont' like the kids doing it. If all the kids were tattling, as in ratting on all their little friends for every little thing, and couldn't be stopped, the teachers would go insane and there would be mutiny. It's not a lot to ask. At home, tell your daughter if her classmates are hurting someone or doing something dangerous, she should tell a teacher. Otherwise, keep it to herself unless someone asks. It will take some practice, but she can do it. Her teacher isn't picking on her. They have the same rule for everyone.

Tattling is telling every little thing that people do wrong. Informing is when some one could get hurt if something doesn't tell or someone is getting hurt. It's not up to your daughter to make sure the teachers know every thing the kids are doing good or bad. The teachers I'm sure are doing their job well. If someone is getting hurt or could get hurt, then she should tell. Otherwise, she should just play and enjoy preschool.

You see that your 4 year old is taking her "eldest" status more seriously.
You find a benefit in her reporting to you what her younger siblings are doing and helping you keep track of them while you are busy.

However, your 4 year old taking her "eldest" status and "reporting" role seriously at school isn't going over so well.
The other kids aren't her siblings. Her teachers aren't her parents. She is not there to keep everyone in check. If she is more worried about the actions and behaviors of others to the extent that she isn't concentrating on herself, that's a problem.
At home, you may find that a help.
At school, it may be viewed differently.
I'm guessing it is, since it was brought up.
You're fed up with the picky behavior the preschool teachers are showing?
I've done daycare and taken care of lots of kids. I'm sorry, but tattle tales are a lot of work. They'll even tell on a kid for doing something they were given permission to do. "He's playing with the blocks". "Yes, I told him he could."
"He has water running in the sink."
"Yes....I told him to wash his hands."

If a kid sees something dangerous or unsafe, they should say something.
But, they do not need to report every movement of every other child as if they are somehow the kid police and the adults around them aren't capable of handling what's going on.
A kid who worries more about what everyone else is doing as opposed to focusing on themselves can fall into the tattle tale trap.
What works for you at home might not be so happily accepted at school.
If the teachers don't say anything, other kids eventually will.
Kids grow tired of tattle tales, they grow tired of children who cry wolf, they grow tired of kids who are bossy....

Your daughter will figure all of that out. The easy way or the hard way.

You've relied on your daughter to report things at home. That's okay, but at school....she doesn't have to worry about that. She just needs to concentrate on herself and let the adults to their jobs. If there is danger, of course she needs to say something, but she doesn't need to tattle if a child doesn't hang their jacket up in their cubby.

Just my opinion.

Oh man my son was a rules police when he was that age, even correcting teachers. It was extremely exhausting to the staff. I had to teach my son that he can only control himslef and unless it is a danger to the other child or anyone else, he needs to keep it to himself. And keep in mind,it is most likely not just your child but many children, and that is why tattling is such a no no in school, if they spent all their time engaging in A did this, to B + C, no kids would have get to learn.

Old and cranky teacher have been some of the best for my son, especially in the early years because of him being a rules police. Once he got on the routine and expecatations of the teacher the rest of the year was mostly okay,
He still at 12 has a hard time with other kids that are disruptive, but he manages pretty well. He was a constant tattler but when he did he had/has a hard time letting it go. The best you can do is be honest with yourself about you child and work with the staff, not at them.

Our rule is to tell if it is it is a dangerous situation, that's it.

Ditto to Elaine. If the action or words are hurting someone or themselves, telling is permitted. Otherwise it's not allowed and the punishment the offender received goes for the teller as well.

Yes, saying A isnt coloring on the paper is tattling. I can just hear the whiny tattle tale voice.

You could look at this way. You think what your daughter is doing/saying is fine and it's just this one teacher so why not ignore her? See if she keeps bringing it up and if she does, talk to the director and see if the other teachers have an issue too. If ey do, then either decide this isn't the school for you or they have a point. Or in general, maybe you just aren't happy with this school. They're not forcing you to go there so take the good with the bad or change schools. It makes me wonder if it was just my kids or their school as they pretty much never had an issue at preschool. So maybe supervision was much better. They did go to a small preschool. They never got called names... And would another chi,d have been stopped from writing on my kid bc the teachers were watching better or even at 4, they would have told the other child themselves to stop and/or walked away so it wouldn't have been an issue. I also always figured the teachers had way more experience with kids than me and since I picked a school I held in high regard, I stayyed with the idea that they knew what they were doing. And if they were never telling you anything, would you feel they weren't paying enough attention? Your post is a bit confusing. On one hand you say teachers don't do anything. On the other, they're being too nitpicky. So maybe just decide if this isn't the school for you or let it go. Little kids aren't perfect and no school is either.

My kids, in Preschool and currently in Elementary school.... are taught that tattling is.... saying things about a person that is not true... with the intention of getting them in trouble.

That is different, than telling an adult... INFORMATION which per the child's cognition... is, important. Whatever that subject may be.

I... personally encourage my kids, to always speak their minds. BUT they DO know the difference between being a pain in the rear tattling... and telling an Adult... what is going on per awareness of the situation and per social cues.

To me, I rather teach a child to speak up.... rather than to shut them up and therefore teaching them that telling an Adult things... is "tattling."

Some adults, just don't want to hear the redundant type of things, a child may say, and per their age. Hence, they call it "tattling" and discourage a child from saying anything to another Adult. Because they find it irritating.

I... encourage my kids to tell me (AND the Teacher) things... (and they know they can), BUT I also teach them how to "problem solve" too, and how to discern... situations.
So, it is a multi-part understanding.
Not just "tattling" for the sake of being a know-it-all or being irritating.
My kids at least, know the difference between tattling and what is not tattling.

And, in school and at home, my kids are taught to tell, someone, if Bullying is occurring.
Some kids, think even this is "tattling."
It is not

My line is this:

If it's telling purely to get someone in trouble; it's tattling

If it's telling because ithey're doing something wrong/ dangerous/ disallowed; it's the right thing to do.

Now... I have a very strong suspicion my son will either be a cop or a journalist when he grows up... because from toddlerhood (like age 2) he's always been VERY intent on what other people are doing, and if they're doing it right/ wrong/ the best they can. This is a little different. We (his teachers and I) worked with him for several years (all through preschool), on focusing on his own work. Because he'd completely neglect what he should be doing, to be eagle eyeing everyone else.

It's worked very well.

He is now capable of doing both at the same time.

And he's learned discretion. (As in, it's FINE, indeed WANTED to tell if it's wrong/dangerous/etc OR to learn from other people/ other ways to do things that may be different but still work.... but NOT FINE to be
a) neglecting his responsibilities
b) breathing down other people's necks

Here's my spin #2... if your ethos and the schools line up differently in some rather basic areas... you may well want to switch schools to one that shares your ethos on child raising. Unless you homeschool later (we do now), or private school, you won't have that choice again PERIOD. You get what you get. Early Childhood Education lays soooooo many foundations. Teaching children to just sit there and keep their mouths shut / not pay attention to their surroundings at all because it's wrong/tattling is NOT a school I would want my son at. Just my opinion.

I haven't read any other responses but my initial thought is...she is too young to know the difference between tattling and "being responsible" (there is often a fine line). She is too young to need to be the responsible one. It is fine if you want that help at home (you might not want it in a few years though) but apparently the daycare does not. It's simple, tell your daughter to not tell the teachers what others are doing unless they are hurting her, someone else, or themselves.

Tattling to me is when the tattler is deliberately trying to get the tattlee in trouble for something they are doing/saying etc. When a child as young as 2,3, 4, 5 etc says " Bobby hit Sally in the face" They aren't tattling, they are telling the adult what they saw. But if the child said " Bobby hit Sally on purpose in the face to make her cry" that would be considered tattling. At age 4, your child is at an ager where information is key and questions are abundant. The best way to teach your child not to tattle is to tell her if it doesn't deal directly with her, she should leave it alone-unless someone is being hurt. Its a very fine line to walk at that age---I would tell the pre-school to talk with all the children and explain what tattling is and how they should be able to come to them any time with any concerns or problems.

If you can't tell the difference how is a 4 year old going to figure this out? If she sees something that is not right, fair, or safe she should tell an adult. And she should never be made to feel that talking to an adult about problems is not okay.

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This is a good question because I also do not know the difference. I have heard my daughter telling the older children that it is their job to help watch the younger ones and to report to her if they are misbehaving. But then when it seems like the younger are constantly misbehaving and the olders are constantly telling her things, then she starts in on the older ones about being a tattle tale. I don't know what the difference is or how the kids are supposed to know if they are being "informative" or "tattle taling." I am very interested in seeing the responses. And I agree as far as the teachers go. Do they really have nothing more to talk to you about than your daughter "tattle taling." Also, if your daughter did not tell and the teacher caught the offender and knew your daughter knew what was going on, don't doubt the teacher would be saying something to her about NOT telling. There is no pleasing them in this situation. I want to also say I like your take on teachers. Thank God there is one other person not putting them on a pedestal!

The examples You shRe don't look like tattling to me, instead they look like she M. be reporting a bully. Especially the not wanting to play with someone and saying they stink. I would bring it up with the teacher that you would love to see what the bullying policy in the school is because you think your child is reporting a bully, not tattling.

All I can really say to this is "What 4year old does not tattle"? It's what they do. Sometimes things are more important then others but she's 4!!! My 5year old had a habit of tattling and it drove me crazy but again, it's very normal. At that age they really don't know the difference between tattling and telling something that's important. Seems to me the teachers should teach the kids at the same time what the difference is.