I’m going to try and keep this short and to the point here-try being the keyword! Basically my father-in-law died at the end of our vacation at Disney unexpectedly. As you can imagine it has been a whirlwind of things because my mother-in-law was left in the dark about a lot of different things and depended upon him very much-and so much more that I couldn’t possibly write it all out here today. Not that she is incapable –it will just be an adjustment for us all. However, one of the questions that have been presented is the house. My father in law had planned to pay it off in three years….well obviously that isn’t going to happen. We are the only ones by her to help and at that we live about 30-35 minutes away. It worries us that she is there alone and we already know she can’t possibly maintain the house on her own. She herself has already mentioned on more than one occasion she isn’t attached to the house and doesn’t want to stay there. I tell my husband every time this subject comes up that he needs to let this be HER decision and her decision alone. We can give our opinions but I don’t want to influence our opinions on her into making a decision she will later regret. My husband wants her to move in with us and I’m sort of okay with that. My only thing about it is the fact I feel like the way our house is set up she would never feel at home and I would feel nervous about her not feeling at home there either for whatever reasons. Our life gets busy. We have twin girls who are 10 and although there would be some benefits to having her there full-time I don’t ever want her to feel like she is a burden, we don’t want her there, etc. I actually have a pretty good relationship with my mother-in-law but I already know that being that close in quarters might be a little too much for all of us. My husband has already become irritated with her on several occasions because she would tell him the same thing about 5 to 6 times. I defend her I tell him she is at home all alone with no one there to talk to and she is still trying to sort everything out and lord knows if it were me I’d probably repeat it 10 times!
To us it makes more sense to either a. sell our house and buy another house that has an in-law suite. Or b. sell the house take out a loan and finish out the basement in their existing home and we make use of the in-law suite that was already there just not finished. It’s pretty big or big enough until we figured something else out. The only thing is we aren’t really in any type of position to sell our home because we got screwed. We owe 147,000.00 on our home and we would be lucky to get maybe $106,000.00 screwing up the chance to even think about buying another home if we decided to take that route. My question is what happens to the remaining balance on the home if we were to sell it? We have worked so h*** o* paying off stuff and ensuring our credit stayed stellar-now what? Take the loss? Plus my kids would have to change schools when they love their school but this year is the last year before they enter in to Middle School too so changing schools perhaps the following year wouldn’t be too bad if we all could just survive the school year. I feel as though we are all trapped basically because of the home and what we owe. This is all up for discussion and no solid decision has been made or has to be made right away. She will be okay there for the short-term but not the long-term but right now we feel strapped as well because she doesn’t drive. It’s not that she can’t she was in a bad accident several years ago and basically like the saying goes she fell off that horse and never got back up on it again-my father-in-law just always took care of that. Well now we are transporting her and we both work, have children, and lives of our own but I am more than willing to help. Eventually down the road her dependency needs to shift into independence. I don’t expect anything from her right now-she has enough on her plate as it is. I guess I am too much of a planner and think ahead of the game and that is through my own faults but I just need to feel as though we have a game plan instead of one day being slapped in the face with everything.
How old is she. That will affect my answer. Sell her house and find her a small apartment close by. How about a senior complex. There are some great ones around. Does she need assisted living or is she really an independent woman. I would think twice before having her come live with you. Would be hard for you and her! Five her time before you make any big decisions. Death of a spouse is the biggest stressor for older people.
Here's my thought - find out if she really does want to move and to where? If she is not incapable of handling her own life (but the house is too much as it is), then help her downsize. She may decide she wants to stay, that she wants to go into a senior living community, that she wants a condo with no yard to upkeep. You must, must talk to her and allow her to make a decision that is right for her, which may or may not be moving in with you. If she does move in with you, cross that bridge with specifics when the choice is made. My grandmother has been widowed for more than 10 years and is still a pretty independent old lady. It wasn't til this year that she chose to stop driving (she has friends and family to drive her to appointments and the store).
A lot of things can be done online now, so you can consider setting her up with groceries via delivery. That's how my in-laws get most of their shopping these days. A few clicks and PeaPod shows up the next day. MIL also does almost all her gift shopping online, too.
I totally agree not to go into debt! It will do no good to uproot everyone and then lose the house.
After the death of a spouse there's a huge range of emotions. Unless there's a pressing reason I'd postpone making a decision about the house for a year.
Your mil can hire people to cut the lawn as needed. Does her town have a senior center? Some of them provide transportation so she can go grocery shopping or to medical appointments. If not maybe she can ask friends or just suck it up and go back to driving.
Eventually she might be better off moving into a condo or assisted living setting closer to your family however right now she needs to figure things out and deal with the loss of her husband. Please don't over think all of this. These will be her issues to cope with you and your hubby helping when needed.
You've all suffered a great loss. Give everyone time to deal with that. Do not make hasty decisions that will uproot your family unless absolutely necessary. Is your MIL in fairly good health? If so, I'd have her consider selling her home and you helping her to downsize into something she can manage - nearby to your home. A senior community would be ideal. Your MIL is going to need to socialize with people her own age. She may not want to at first, but she will need to for her own well being. Having her move in with you will isolate her. This is the worst thing you can do for her. She will become 100% dependent upon you and she'll have little opportunity to be with people her own age.
Again, don't make any hasty decisions. Best of luck to you.
1st of all: condolences on your loss.
2nd: condolences on your loss.
& pretty much, that's all that you need to worry about. Your need to plan is causing/creating an uproar when there is no need to make life-altering choices & decisions.
As another poster stated, all of this should have been addressed prior to death. It wasn't....so now it's time to just chill & relax. Take the time to think thru your priorities & wait/see if there truly is a need for you to make a change.
Soooo, she's on her own & doesn't drive. There are senior services (somewhere) available for her. Check with her local government for ideas & options. My Gma lives in a senior apartment. She has a van ride available thru her complex. She also has delivery available for her scripts/Meals on Wheels. & honestly, living 30-35 minutes away from her is nothing! I drive 15-20 minutes just for groceries!
She's alone & has mentioned not wanting the house. Fine! Let her sell! Give her the respect of choosing her own home....whether it be assisted-living, a smaller home/condo, or a senior apartment. She does NOT have to move in with you! My Gma sold her home when she was in her 70s, & is 92 & still in her apartment! Dang proud of her!
Her memory issues/repeating herself: she's grieving! She'll be like this for a long time. My Dad died almost 4 years....& I'm still not right. :) Your husband needs to back off & not allow this to create frustration.... which is also part of his grief/loss.
& most importantly, her choices/needs/desires come 1st. Next, her children have a voice (when asked). & I'm sorry....but you need to stop making plans! My MIL survived & thrived beautifully after she lost her husband....as did my Gma. & My Mom is the Queen....when she lost her husband thru divorce, not death, she created a whole new life & blossomed. Life after the loss of a spouse can be good. Sad at first, but good. :)
Take a deep breath. Nothing must be decided right now. Every advisor will tell someone who has jsut dealt with a loss like your MIL did to not make ANY big decisions for 6 months minimum.
I assume she has a car - does she still have a license? Regardless she should take a few driving lessons through a professional driver training company. They would probably cost about $75 an hour - so 3 or 4 of those would be a terrific investment if it would get her back to driving and independence. She should get her license and driving skills back no matter waht is decided for her living arrangement.
As to where she should live - she shoudl stay there for now. She's alone - but is she ancient? Assuming she's reasonably healthy she should be jsut fine. Even if living in the house will require she spends some of her savings or life insurance proceeds she should still stay there for at least 6 months. If she makes a hasty decision now it could end up costing way more than it would to stay in the house for the next 6 months.
If she wants to come stay with you from time to time let her if it makes her feel better. It's temporary and not forever.
As for having her move in with you - ahhhhh! My mom, who I loved dearly, had an apartment on the side of our house. She had her own living room, kitchen bathroom, washer & dryer, entrance etc. BUT - we still got on eachother's nerve. It had many, many very positive aspects - she was here for the kids when they were little, we were here for her as she aged and came home to recover from various surgeries, etc. (she had heart surgery, cancern surgery, hip replacements,etc.) My mom passed away a few months ago and in retrospect I am so very glad that I had the opportunity to be so close to her in the "Autumn & Winter" of her life. I can't imagine not having been here for her and my kids have so many warm and tender memories that their cousins don't have becuase we lived under the same roof. BUT - it represented many challenges over the years and her presence did impinge into our life. Overall there were more positives than negatives - but it was very difficult at times.
If you eventually decide to have youru MIL move in you must build her her own space, kitchen, wahser dryer. I have to say I don't think a basement apartment is what she'd want unless you live in a high ranch so the downstairs is ground level. Older people begin to have arthritis and other maladies that willl be made worse by the dampness of living in a basement - and very little daylight! Do you have a garage that you can make into a studio apartment? (We built a huge shed and mom's apartment was built into our 2 car garage) If it's only a one car garage can you expand it into your back yard?
If MIL sells her house and pays to have her apartment built it will also increase the value of your home and you won't be upside down on yoru mortgage anymore...
As for selling your current house - i would never do that. The bank won't jsut take a loss. Even if they are willing to take a loss on some of it they will still want you to take on some of the balance and it will damage your credit rating.
I understand how it all seems overwhelming right now - but as you have told your husband, it's ultiamtely your MIL's decision and assuming your husband has siblings there are other voices she will listen to. Help your MIL organzie her decisions. Right now she's in shock and still grieving - which takes a long time. Every major decision should be evaluated with a pros / cons listing. But I cannot stress enough that she should not sell the house for at least 6 months. (Realtors will swoop in on a recent widow like vultures!) Whatever the cost for her to stay in the house for 6 months will be less than the cost of a bad decision. 6 months from now if she still wants to sell the house then she'll be less emotional about it and feel certain about the decision.
IN the meantime encourage her to connect with her friends, chruch, senior center, etc. Also, BTW - many townships, counties and other local governement have senior transport available. There may be a few forms to fill out - but it might be worth it for MIL to get a ride to the grocry sotre once a week or to the library, etc.
This is just a season in your life that will be busy. It won't last forever. I spent alot of the last few years as the primary caregive for my mom, bill payer, financial consultant, medical transporter, the one who "made her move to a nursing home" etc. and it seemed overwhelming at the time - but it was really something of a blessing and honor to be the one to accompany her on the journey.
You're a good DIL.
I'm so sorry on the loss of your FIL. :(
Before you make any long-term decisions it might be worth it to spend a couple hundred bucks with a qualified elder care/estate planning attorney to hash out the various options for your MIL.
It's sweet that you are willing to bring her into your family. That being said, you will want to be aware of Medicare/Medicaid issues pertaining to long-term care (which can be state-specific). She may be in decent health now but what about 2-5 years from now? Or 10 years from now? My MIL with Parkinson's went almost completely bed-ridden in less than 2 years from her diagnosis (so sad). We could not physically care for her in our home now if we wanted to. If your financial affairs are too intertwined there could be issues (but then again there may not be any, which is why it's good to consult with someone). Care facilities can be extremely expensive. It's important to consider all of the ramifications.
When people do bring parents into their homes, I've read that it works best for everyone concerned when the parent has his/her own space, including a small kitchen and bathroom.
As I said, I would seek some professional advice first. And this is going to be emotionally tough for your husband. It's hard to switch roles with your parent.
Every family is unique and I pray that you guys figure out what works best for all of you. And good for you teaching your children about compassion.
Good luck.
I would encourage her to sell her house and get a condo or apartment that she could manage. Close to you would be ideal. An assisted living apartment would provide friendship, activities and transportation so she can be independent of you and your husband. If she lives with you, she has fewer options and will be working around your busy household. Right now there is so much going on that she probably is not ready. Offer your support for what she decides, but do not make any big changes in your home life right now.
I am sorry for your loss. Please don't rush into any decisions now and encourage your MIL not to make any major changes for at least 6 months to a year. Losing your spouse is one of the most difficult times and she needs to deal with that grief before she can make pro-active decisions for herself. You should not make major changes to your life at this time either. You all need time to think and to look at the many options that are available. There is a TV commercial i see all the time with Joan Lunden talking about a free service called A Place for Mom which offers info on various living situations from independent living to assisted living to nursing home. You might get some of that info to look at some of the options. Don't rush into decisions. You could also hire some help for her to help with transportation or yard work or whatever you think she needs. See if there is a Widowed Person's Association in her area - they might provide some support to her as well.
Good luck.
I'm so sorry for your loss. :(
As others have said, I would highly encourage you to WAIT for a while before making any decisions and NOT do anything to put your family into debt. Your FIL's death sounds pretty new to me. I think that any major decisions during this time (other than those that are absolutely necessary) will need to WAIT. How all of you and your MIL feel right now will change as you go through the different stages of grief. Regardless of whether it is her choice or not, I do think she will come to regret decisions that she makes during this time.
If she is okay to live on her own for right now, then I think this needs to be her opportunity to gain some independence again. I don't mean to sound cruel, but if you/your husband immediately jump in to 'fix' things, then she will never regain her independence, and she WILL start to rely on you to continue to 'fix' things for her. That may not sound bad to you, and you may get along great with your MIL, but it will not take long before you all start to resent one another. This will also be a major upheaval for your daughters, who are going to be going through some major personal changes soon, as well (with MS, puberty, etc.).
I understand your need for a plan (I'm SO this way, too). :) Here's what I would suggest. Make the plan for the next 6 months minimum to have your MIL stay in her current home. Set boundaries! Let her know that you are so happy to help out, but due to work/school/busy schedules, you will only be able to help her run errands two times a week (Tues nights, Sat am, or whatever). I would also consider telling her that you would be happy to help her get her DL renewed so that she can begin driving herself again (she needs to be encouraged in a supportive way to get back up on the horse). If her DL is currently valid, you might consider saying, "Marie, I am going to ride with you today, and you are going to drive us. I am here to help support you!" By limiting your trips to twice a week, she may find that there is more incentive to start driving on her own (and I really, really, really don't mean to sound cruel about this at all...I understand that she went through a traumatic event...but sometimes allowing someone to continue with that fear for a long time actually makes it so much worse than what it really is).
After 6 months of this, you can re-evaluate what the new plan of action should be. You may decide to continue as is for another 6 months. Your MIL may have gained a little bit of independence and started to branch out on her own. She may not... It might be a miserable 6 months.
Let's say that the 6 months are up and you still decide that she needs more help or a move. I still would discourage you from moving her in with you or moving in with her. At that point, if she needs to move, then I would consider one of two options. Either a.) sell her house and move her into an apartment/condo where maintenance is done for the renters AND that is within walking distance of a grocery store. OR b.) sell her house and move her into senior complex of sorts.
More on senior complex...My grandmother refused to ever consider a senior complex, because she had the notion that it was a 'nursing home.' After my grandfather passed away, she had about 6 months of living on her own and decided that she needed a change. We convinced her to just take a tour of a senior complex that was near by...No pressures...let's just see what it is like. She took one tour and was SO excited that she made plans and moved in within the next month. There were people there to visit with! They had activities planned! People have card games going every afternoon! She was still independent, but had her own little community of people to converse with. We can all still go and visit her just like we did before, but she is happy and content without someone holding her hand all the time.
Good luck!
Please, please slow down.
Slow down now.
You're all still dealing with a very sad loss and your way of coping is to want to plan and arrange. I do get that, and it helps many people cope at tough times, but in this case, you could end up making decisions that are not good for your own family and not good for your MIL either.
You say at the very end that you must "feel as though we have a game plan," but while a plan is good (and too often ignored by too many families), you are moving fast. You are actually thinking of uprooting your children and moving them to new schools--that's drastic, to me, unless MIL were in some truly desperate need of immediate help, which she's not. (Even if it's time for the middle school change, at least some of your kids' friends would be at the MS they'd currently attend -- please do not move them at this sensitive age for kids!).
You need to get some professional advice and invest in a visit or three with an experienced attorney or social worker who specializes in issues affecting the elderly. MIL also should get financial advice, again from someone professional with knowledge of seniors' issues.
Your MIL may have said that the house doesn't mean that much to her, but it might just mean more than she lets on. It is the last place she lived with her husband and she might find it holds more emotion for her than it did before she dies, so she might not be willing to let it go. And you might find it a huge mistake to move in with her or have her move in with you, especially if doing so puts you in the position of permanent peacemaker between her and your irritated husband -- a position you already seem to fill at times. Do you really want to have that job every day? While it is wonderful that you stick up for her and have a good relationship with her, remember that living together tests relationships like nothing else. Picture feeling like you have to stick up for her and soften your husband's irritation every day. It would be like walking on eggshells after a while.
Please look at the other avenues of independence for her -- but in her own time, not at the fast pace you're taking just now out of your own need to plan. Living with her or having her live with you are not her only options! Others here have posted about assisted living etc. so I won't go into it but you and she eventually need to look at those options. I would not uproot the kids, period, whatever happens.
She should sell and find a new place that has an assisted living option.
If you were a Really good planner, you would have already discussed this before your FIL died. Just saying. Make your own plans better.
Take this year to let things settle into a pattern. You need a short term plan and a long term plan. You don't even start to know all your options right now. Under no circumstances make big decisions right now.
There are places that provide services for the things your FIL did. For probably $20, they can drive your mil places and that would save you time and your own gas money. They have probably saved for expenses when they got older. They are older now. They need to let go. She can hire someone to mow. Those are short term, stop gap goals. There are places that can teach your mil about finances and computers, if she wants that.
She can have meals on wheels deliver a meal and check on her. She can ask people her age where they enjoy living. She can come stay with you a month and that will give you a feel for family dynamics.
Then starts the long term planning that includes her input. Do not go into debt. Talk about a bad solution! Resentment galore! She would not be better off and neither would you. Come the end of this, all parties need to be reasonably satisfied. Not perfectly satisfied. You probably do want to sell her house. She needs the money, y'all don't need the headaches.
A small apartment in a senior living place would be good. They have shuttles that go places.
Hold your horses, slow your roll.
First, I want to express my condolences on the loss of your FIL...... there is a lot to deal with that, as we are dealing with that also (although we don't have the issue of a surviving spouse... my MIL passed away about 9 years ago).
Not knowing her age and independence ability, I would suggest if she wants to sell the house, that is fine... especially since she isn't attached to it.
I would suggest starting to look into the independent senior living apartments... depending on your area, there are some really nice complexes that are set up with small apartments/cottages that might just fit the bill... she would still be able to maintain some independence and space, but not have to worry about maintenance headaches. If it is near where you live, you can continue to assist her.
Also, at these complexes, they often have transportation available, as well as many planned activities with others that live in the complex.
Good luck!
Wait at least 6 mos to decide and please don't make kids change schools!!
oh, i'm so sorry for your loss. and LOVE you for being so willing to have your MIL come live with you! what a generous, loving person you are.
i totally understand the need for a game plan, but please heed all the excellent advice here to hold off on making any big decisions for a while. so put a few mental structures in place, but make sure they're all flexible enough to adapt as time goes by and the real needs become clear.
since my little mumsie's diagnosis and death, my dad has been the king of impulsive decisions. they haven't all been disastrous, but he is constantly having to make adaptions because he refuses to think things through, or to wait one minute when he has an idea or a whim. it's very difficult to remain helpful and supportive when he won't discuss or listen to anything other than 'sounds great! go for it!'
if your MIL moves in with you, she can probably sell her place and help pay for the renovations. or you can buy a place with her, which has some eeky aspects, doesn't it? but you all may well come to the conclusion that she will be happier and more social, and more well-cared-for, in a retirement community where she can make friends and have daily support.
my heart goes out to all of you.
khairete
S.
She should sell her home and mover closer to you. Be careful about her moving in without a lot of extra room for you. Especially if she makes your hubby a bit crazy. You might not mind her, but her driving him insane might bother you!
Is there somewhere very close by that she can rent for a year or two while figuring things out? Maybe someone in your town has an apartment in their home for rent. That would be a good option.
Nothing wrong with being a planner - except for all of those people who wing everything and make you suffer!! :)
-Don't put yourselves in a financial hole.
-Don't upset your own kids' life or yours.
-Or, she can sell the house and live in an assisted living place or senior living place. There are lots of those developments around nowadays. And they they have a "place" to be with others who have things in common with them and activities and friends.
But, ALSO know that, when one becomes a "Widow".... there is a LOT of adjustment. Sure, the decision about the house should be hers and about her life. BUT... KNOW that, when one's Husband dies, and they are of a certain generation... the widowed Wife, OFTEN HAS A HARD TIME... making decisions (without their Husband) and often just cannot figure things out. On their own.
This is common. When one becomes a Widow.
I know, my Dad died. My Mom then had to take over a lot, and decide on LOTS of things, by herself. She was lost. Lost.
SO... we had to HELP her. It was not about us making up her mind about things... but we had to help her. Help her to think things out.
My Mom for example, was so used my Dad driving them everywhere. Once he died and she had to drive herself places... she sometimes didn't even know or remember, what routes my Dad took, to drive there.
So, something as SIMPLE as that, threw her for a loop.
Your Mother in Law is a Widow.
She is at a loss... in many ways.
And she has to make decisions about many things. PLUS process all sorts of paperwork, for the deceased and update accounts etc. Not to mention, even getting a Death Certificate... can really make the Widow, confused.
Is there a way for you to add on an in-law suite to your own home? You could have her sell her house and use some of the proceeds for the construction of an additional, separate space in your home. That, to me, would be the ideal outcome.
Does your husband have any siblings? If not, one option could be to sell your home by using some of the equity in your MIL's home to cover your loss. If that's not money she needs to live on, it was just reduce the value of the estate, which presumably your husband would get someday anyway. If her financial situation is such that she may very well need that equity to live off of someday, you could work out terms to pay it back.
In the grand scheme of life, a $40K loss isn't actually that much so if I were you, I would find a way to cover that loss when selling by borrowing against your MIL's equity rather than try a short sale and deal with the ramifications of ruining your credit. Call a realtor about your own home before you make any decisions - it may be worth more or less than you think, and there may be programs out there that don't penalize as heavily for short sales as they did in the past.
So sorry this is happening.
It's going to be a big adjustment and it won't happen over night.
Did you FIL have any life insurance that might be able to pay off your MIL house?
Maybe you can stay where you are so the kids can finish in their school, then move in with MIL and rent out your current home for enough to cover that mortgage.
MIL should take a drivers class and get back in that saddle again.
I think your MIL should sell her house and use part of the proceeds to finish your basement so that she can live in it. make sure she doesn't have stairs to climb because stairs and the elderly aren't a good mix. That is my only issue about the basement.
Your MIL maybe repeating herself a sign of old age. Your husband needs to not make her feel bad about it. It only aggitates her and makes her feel stupid. You all need to just pretend as if it is your first time hearing it. That is what the experts say about it.
You all need to have a frank discussion with your MIL about her moving in and what to expect. Also his sibling need to know what is going on as well. She will need her privacy and she is not a living baby sitter unless she agrees to it.
You seem like a great DIL. Continue to let your husband that the lead.
If you owe money on your house when you sell, then you would have to bring money to closing to cover your costs. This is obviously not the best way to go. Sounds like you have plenty of ideas in mind and are staying flexible as to what the best one will be. You should really go talk to a loan officer. Really. They could give you the best advice on how to proceed without wrecking your credit or losing your shirt. They may be willing to work something out to make one of your options more reasonable than you thought. And if they can't, you would need to know that, too. Good luck! Sounds like you are a really terrific wife and daughter-in-law.
If you sell your home you will have to secure a loan for the unpaid balance or screw up your credit with a short sale.
Have you considered selling her home, paying off the mortgage on it and finding something close to you?
My dad tried to sell me on him putting an addition on our home and him and mom moving in when her Alzheimers got really bad. I was a bad daughter, I said ask my brother. If it had just been my dad or if my mom wasn't at a point where she really needed nursing care I would have agreed.
