What Do I Do with a Dependent Boyfriend?

Time to sit down with him and talk about life together since it's changed. It's nice to know you're not living together and taking time with this.

I think you should have a frank chat about finances and expectations. He's not supposed to be supporting you financially, you said he's dependent. If he's traveling to come see you and then goes back to another town then it's odd he's not paying for his own gasoline or fare to get there. Maybe you guys need to go visit him at his house. Then let him pay for everything a few times.

Did you legally get custody of your child or did you just "take" her? Big difference.

You already answered your question. You know what to do. This guy's actions are clear that you and your child are not a priority.

Your child should be your number one priority over any man.

Dump him... don't be in such a rush to hook up with someone. Take care of your child first.,, things will fall into place.

Stop expecting a bf or any man to support you financially. Do it yourself.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

He can afford the trip OUT to see his daughter, but can't afford the trip back? hmmm...what does he do with his money?

I would NOT refer to my daughter's father as my boyfriend, if I am no longer with him. I hope you have learned your lesson here. Don't have unprotected sex. Don't have a child with a man who can't provide for you nor himself.

You are expecting another man to help and contribute to another man's daughter? is that how I read it? I would expect a real man to step up and be a step-father AFTER we were married. BEFORE we marry? I would sit down and discuss priorities and expectations. How she is to be disciplined. How she is to be raised in a church (if any). How she is to taught who her biological father is and who his step-dad is. What step-dad is expected to do in the raising of her. ALL of this needs to be discussed. And future children need to be discussed as well. Living. Will you stay home with the kids? Will you both work? Where will the kids go to day care? WHO will pay for daycare?

I would ask my family for help. I would move back in with my family, save as much as I can and contribute as much as I can to the household and then buy my own place. I would ensure I have a college education or a trade education so I can support not only myself, but my children without the "help" of a 'man'.

As to your daughter? What do the court papers state?
What is he supposed to pay?
What visitation is he supposed to have?
When he is with his daughter, what is he doing? Is he paying attention to her and playing with her?

You seem to have a lot of boyfriend's. Why not drop all the men and concentrate on your daughter? Show her what a TRUE, STRONG W. is - able to do it ALONE and not with a "man". Stop dating. Put your daughter first. Get counseling to find out why you are making bad choices in "men" and focus only on your daughter and being the best YOU can be on your own.

If you're not married, not living together, and he hasn't adopted your child as his own, then why would you expect him to contribute to your financial support? Your daughter's father (probably) has an obligation to pay child support. Your boyfriend does not have any such obligations.

If you have a good paying job and are supporting yourself and your child adequately, perhaps he thinks that you'll be supporting him to supplement whatever it is that he does. Financial intake is often unequal in a relationship and that often works out just fine, but if you two have conflicting expectations then the relationship won't work.

You mention planning to get married 'very soon'. Don't. You're not ready for that step yet because your relationship isn't to the level required to make that step. You and your boyfriend need to work through you long term goals and expectations.

See a couples counselor together. You'll probably need to pay for the sessions. If this idea does not sit well with you, then you need to break things off.

Why should your boyfriend support you and your child? That's your responsibility, and her father's.
Personally I don't know what you see in a man who you must pay just to visit you, maybe it's because he has a large...um, personality?

You have no evidence of your boyfriend's interest in you or your daughter. He says he wants to marry you (if that's what you mean by he "claims to marry") and that he loves your daughter, but he's just on the take for bus fare? Do you have (or does he think you have) such a good job that you can support yourself, your daughter, and him? I'm not sure why you think a boyfriend should support you and your daughter though. She is your responsibility since you took custody of her. You don't say why you took her or if that was sanctioned by the court, so it's hard to know what her birth father's role is here. Why wouldn't he be required to provide half of her support?

You also don't why she was with her father and being raised by him until you stepped in, but I would imagine that she's got a lot of issues in being removed from one situation and put in another, and then having another man introduced into her life who is not her father or your live-in husband. So, really, your situation doesn't sound too stable (financially or emotionally) to introduce another significant variable - a boyfriend with questionable dedication.

You're new to Mamapedia so we don't know anything about you - so more details would be great. Without editing your original question, can you add to it (write "added" at the end and put more details, or put something in the "So What Happened" section) to add essential information?

Are you in the US? Your profile says CA but a lot of people disguise their whereabouts. The reason I ask is that you use some very unusual phrasing, particularly for someone who went to college. You say things like "I had her with another man whom we broke up while in college" and "I had another boyfriend whom we are engaged to be married" and "the salary is little." These are not proper American English for a college student/graduate, so I wonder if you are in another country where the custody and child support laws may be different. If so, you have to take our advice with a grain of salt because it may not apply where you are.

However, that aside, I'd ditch the boyfriend since you and your daughter are a package deal, and I'd work out an enforceable, legal support agreement with her father. I'd also get counseling to help set goals (financial and other), figure out why you choose inappropriate men, and to help your daughter with the massive adjustment in her life and living situation.

I'm confused. Who was the primary custodian prior to August? Was it your ex boyfriend or you? If you have custody why isn't her father paying child support? The child is NOT your current boyfriends responsibility, its yours. You are responsible for her support and yours as well.

Your boyfriend doesn't have money to visit and is asking for money from you, you need to end that relationship. He is not your responsibility, your daughter is.

i hope this is a troll post for this child's sake.
khairete
S.

Added: Missed the part about BF contributing little to support 'us' - do you mean you and he (as in "now that we are two") or you and your daughter? He's not responsible for your daughter as everyone else mentioned.

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I don't understand your question. Could you clarify the things that B mentions below please?

All I can gather from what you've written is that the new boyfriend/fiance? sounds kind of like a dud (sorry). But that's the whole gist of your question. You've written "what to do with a dependent boyfriend?" Surely just be writing that you know it's not a good idea to marry him.

You have a child to consider here. You say you doubt he cares for your daughter. Why put her through this for the rest of her life. Why do you need to get married?

Ugh. This just makes me cringe. Unless you are absolutely 100% sure this is a decision that will have a wonderful, meaningful positive impact for you and your daughter for your life going forward - why marry this guy?

He sounds like a dud and you both deserve better. I think it's unsettling that you don't feel you both do.

Delay the wedding, whatever you do. Think long and hard about this.

Don't even consider getting married until you work out all your issues.

When he asks you for money, what does he say when you say no? Because that seems like the obvious answer. He asks, and you say "No, I don't have any to give you, because I need the money that I make to support myself and Janie." How he reacts should tell you a lot about his character.

ETA: I also agree with Southern Yankee that your child is the responsibility of you and the child's father. He should be paying child support. It's not your boyfriend's responsibility to support your child. It is, however, his responsibility to support himself, and that includes providing his own transportation.

I find it funny that you call your boyfriend a dependent, considering YOU are the one financing his visits. Sounds to me like YOU are the dependent one, or you'd have enough dignity to tell him that if he needs to be paid to see you, the relationship is over. I would never even think of asking a boyfriend, not even a friend, to finance my visits. If I want to see someone, it's on me. If I cannot afford to do so, then I don't visit or I find someone local, but I don't expect anyone to pay my way. Like I said, it sounds like you're dependent on him, but for what, I don't know.

He sounds like a complete loser and you sound desperate enough to pay a man to sleep with you. I also don't know what you're thinking in asking him to support your child. That is your responsibility and her father's, not your new boyfriend's, especially if you're not even married and he hasn't even adopted her, and now you claim you're planning to marry this guy? Learn to make better relationship choices BEFORE introducing them to your child and making long-term plans.

I would focus on putting your daughter first in life. This boyfriend is showing you 1. he isn't a provider, 2. he is selfish, 3. he doesn't love your daughter through actions (which is what counts). If you marry him he is not likely to change. He will make very little in salary and will expect you to provide for him. He will not be there for your daughter in the way a father should. That is my opinion.

Your boyfriend is not responsible for contributing to your and your daughter's support. If he doesn't have the money for the "fare" to visit you, I'd think again about marrying him.

I am confused here, are you saying you are mad because your BF doesn't give you money for a child that is not his? Neither you nor the child are his responsibility unless he has agreed to take on that responsibility by actually marrying you or at the very least moving in with you.