Wanting Second Baby

I am dealing with the same issue! My daughter is almost 18 mos. and my husband says the same thing. She was hospitalized for two weeks when she was just two weeks old for a urinary tract infection and sepsis. She has bladder reflux. The issue is fairly common and not too difficult to deal with, but my husband says he just couldn't take it if we had another child and had to go through something more serious. I have 5 brothers and sisters and always envisioned my child having siblings, but I understand how he feels. It was terrible to be in the hospital and watch our little girl be hooked up to IVs etc. I think it is difficult for the daddies to be so helpless. I understand where he is coming from and have decided to just see what happens as our daughter gets older. Like you, I think that in time, he may change his mind (although he is very sutbborn). I also have friends who are now pregnant with their second children and feel the same way you do. I do have a step-daugheter who is twelve, so my daughter will have a sibling, but she lives in North Carolina. I don't know that I have an answer, but at least you know you are not alone in this battle.

My kids are 10 years, 2 and 3 years apart. I can tell you there is no perfect age. My 25 and 10 year old are close. The 13 and 15 year old were close when they were young but not any more. The 10 year old gets along with everyone. As you can there is no perfect space. It's what is right for your family. I can say I don't like only children. They are spoiled and have a harder time getting along with people sometimes. (I grew up with a parent like that). It's only been 14 months.Give your husband some more time and his attitude may change but don't push him. Whatever you decide, plan for it. Know what you want to instill in your children and realize there is no magic formula. If you are an involved and loving parent instinctively you will know what they need by reading your children's cues. There is no perfect parent and be open to learning and changing things if there is a better way. Good luck to u.

Dear M.,
Sounds like you and your husband went through a-lot with your first child.
We did too. She was hosptialized at 3 months old at that age their breathiing should be a certain # like in the 30's I think and her's was in the 120's per minute. They told us to take her to the hospital right away!!!! They couldn't find out why she was breathing so fast...it ended up that she had two infections in her bladder. Her breathing got better once on antibiotics but not in the normal range so that's why we continued seeing a Pulmonary doctor. And on top of that had colic and acid reflux. Once she was put on meds for the acid reflux and we thickened her formula, things got much better. However, my daughter got a flat spot and then had to wear a helmet for three months to fix it before the age of one.
Plus, I was sick with her the entire 9 months. I ended up on Zofran (meds. they give cancer patients who are sick from chemo and radiation.)
I also had a very bad eppesiodomy (sp?) and ripped some of my stitches and had to go back to the doctor every week to make sure I was healing and wouldn't need to be re-cut again. (It was aweful!!!!) I didn't think I would ever want to have children again.
Plus, I had post partum depression after both kids. With my second child, I started on meds while in the hospital to help control it. It didn't get as bad this time.

So, when I got pregnant with my second I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. I worried about everything!!
Well, I was only sick for about three months and then it got better :) The delivery was easier and I wasn't cut as badly this time :)
My son also had acid reflux but we knew what to do and took him to a GI doctor right away and got the meds we needed and he was much better. Things are much easier this time around. Every child is different.
So, if you really want another child, talk to your husband and discuss all the pros and cons and remember those families out there who CAN'T have kids of their own and how they would love to have a family.

My daughter will be 5 in January and my son will turn 2 in October. He loves his big sister :) and she loves him until he tries to take her toys!!! LOL :)

I'm sure God will lead you down the right path for you and your family!
T.

Hi M.,

I am a mother of 5 and it is great! When my last one was born, they were 5(girl), 3(boy), 20 mos, 20 mos (twins-boys) and newborn(girl). (the last one was not planned) They were very close together. At the time the 5 of them were overwhelming, but now 4 years later when they are 9, 7, 6,6, and 4 they are great and the best of friends (well most of the time). I believe that the closer they are the better. After the first, we decided maybe 1 or 2 more. We thought once we were out of the baby stage, we wouldn't want to go back. We ended up with 5. It is so nice to have them close together for all the stages. My boys are now all in the same baseball league, gymnastics, etc. They can all play together basically at the same levels - kick ball, tag, baseball, basketball, swim and so on. Yet, can do different things if they want.

Although it was difficult when they were toddlers, I would have them close together all over again. Convincing your husband of this is another story. I will say that if you only have one, you will always be his playmate and he will expect your attention at all times. Some people love that, but I like to be able to have my time to get housework done, exercise etc. If he has a sibling, then he always has someone else to play with and grow with. There are many times my kids friends are unable to play, but they always have each other to build tents with, play tag, or the girls with their dolls.

Not every child is the same - don't expect trouble with the second just because the first was tough. I had one with reflux and the rest were just fine. One has been a bedwetter and the others fine. Your second will probably be a happy infant, and if not, it only last a few months, but your child will have a sibling for life! Who knows, some people may think I have too many and that they don't each get enough attention. All I know is that they are all happy, healty, do great at school and have a lot of fun! Good luck with your decision whatever you decide.

Our situation was the opposite. I am diabetic and read about all the possible things that could go wrong during pregnancy and even shortly after birth and long term. I decided that we should not have anymore. We already had one. God decided we needed another and he would be fine. He had been more of an effort to rasie than our first and I have wished more than once I had not had my tubes tied. I really wanted a little girl. I just didn't feel we had the money to care for a child that required more than the usual number of doctor's visits. If it's meant to be it will be and hubby will have to come to terms but don't skip your pills and get pregnant before he comes to terms. Remind him yes you had drama with the first but there could be no problems with the next and you are sure he has enough love to go around.

my boyfriend says the same thing. we have a soon to be 7 month old baby boy and i started talking to him about having more kids not now but in like 3 years and he got on this trip abou one is enough i'm not having anymore and i could only say WHAT!?!?!?! I want a big family at least 3 kids whereas he wants one and only one and at first i argued that he was stealing my dreams away (lol probably kind of harsh) but i soon realized that we have plenty of time to have more children and i'm sure that the more he matures the more he may want kids especially watching our son grow and see that he will need us less and less..i'm sure we will have more children in the near future he's just not ready to experience it again and i too dont want my kids to be too far apart in age but i guess i'm willing to wait 4 to 5 years if that means i can have another baby.

Hi M.,

I can relate to what you are going through. I always knew I didn't want an "only". When my daughter was around 3 I wanted another child and my hubby was content with just one. I decided to stop nagging him and I prayed about it. "Lord, please either change his mind or help me be content." Within a few months he "surprised" me by not using b/c. Needless to say we have two happy healthy children 10 & 5.5. I'm sure there are advantages and disadvantages to have them close or farther apart. A definite advantage with them farther apart is not having two in diapers at the same time!!!

Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Tell him you want to have another baby and just because your first child had some issues as an infant does not mean the next one will. My suggestion is to space them 2-3 yrs. apart. By then maybe he'll be a little less uptight about having another baby. I hope everything works out for you.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

There are two schools of thought on this. I am of an equal mind either way.
My brother and I are 9 years apart (not by choice I had a brother who lived 27 hours and my mom had a miscarriage at 3 1/2 months between the 2 of us). My children (I had 3 miscarriages before my 1st) are 23 months apart. My brother's children are 6 years apart, again not by choice just by destiny.
I enjoyed having the children close together because I was finished with diapers within 3 1/2 years!!! Done with baby food, done with getting up in the middle of the night in 3 years. It was good. I was done with babysitters after 10 years, done with daycare after 11. College for the 2 was a bummer, but I have survived it!!!
I think if you have your children farther apart you can enjoy them more when they are little. You have more patience with them and with yourself. However, believe me, the older one will remember that the younger one was treated far differently than the first one was. The younger one is a little harder to set free because you realize it will be the last one.
As for having and raising children, this is a decision you and your husband have to agree on. Then again, mother nature works in mysterious ways and as long as there is a healthy sex life in your marriage the chance of a pregnancy always exhists.

If your son is just 14 mos, you still have plenty of time. You should not give up your dream of having another child, but certianly you have been through a lot already and your husband has some validity in his concerns/feelings. Those will pass with some more time. Don't settle for one child if your dream was to have more. Of course, you are blessed and happy with one, but it's okay to want more. I have a 5 year old son, and I had several miscarriages after him. We thought the same thing for a while. "We'll just be thankful for this one." Now I have a 7 mos old and I can tell you that I'm thrilled about their age difference. They love each other and I know that my first got all the time he needed with his parents and so will the second. Neither was rushed to grow up too soon, etc. I don't feel overly stressed to take care of the 5 year old, because he's capable of doing some things himself.
I'm not suggesting you wait as long as we did, that was out of our control as well. But allow your husband time to get over the chaos and yourself to enjoy your son and give him all he needs. Having one child is great and for some people, it's enough, and that's their dream. It sounds like your dream was to have at least two. I think it's a pretty great dream. Take care.

M.,

I understand how you are feeling to a certain extent. My son is 16 months old, many of my friends have children close to his age and are pregnant. I was an only child and I definately do not want him to be. My cousin has two children and should would like to have 6 or 7, but her husband tells everyone - NO MORE KIDS TWO IS ENOUGH. It is hard. I do not know what you believe in and I hope I will not be offensive with what I am about to say. If you are a Christian and trust in the Lord, and your hearts desire is for two children, I would not say much to your husband for a while. But I would pray that the Lords would change his heart. Often no matter what we say matters, it is the Lord changing the other persons heart. So pray a lot. If you are not a Christian please talk to me.
I have friends who have had their children one after another and love it. But I have also heard that if there is 3 years between the children it is better because at that age the child no longer thinks he is part of the mother, he is his own entity and introducing another child is a little easier. I do not know how true it is, but in this situation,maybe it will help you.
God Bless,

K. H

Your husband may be feeling one child is enough because you both went through a lot with your first, mentally, emotionally and not to mention financially. Just to let you know it is not like that for every child you have. Your next could be a breeze, or not, but each child is such a blessing...some women can't even have one. Having two kids close in age can be quite difficult at times but so much fun other times. I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old and I think 2 years difference is perfect - my son is old enough to understand babies and he is very careful and loving to his little sister. Whatever you decide should be mutual, but he should also consider your feelings and maternal how are you financially now and who is the primary caregiver?

Well M. I am sure I will get ALOT of slack from people on my comment BUT I agree with your hubby 1 is enough lol.. We have 2 and I love them to pieces but OMW live was so much easier with 1. I would not trade them for the world Avery is 4 in Sept and OH is she WILD and Quentin is 1 today and into everything. My husband is always saying I should have listened to you that night when you said LEAVE me ALONE lol. He loves the kids as well but like I said 1 is so much easier and she was VERY spoiled and NOW she has to share us and she does not like that sometimes but she deals with it. I was JUST getting to get more sleep and Avery was sleeping through the night GOOD and then BOOM here comes Quentin well I did not know till I was 2 1/2 mo along but I was OH so sick with him unlike her I was not. Now I am not saying do not have anymore but it is so much easier with 1 and cheaper lol.... If you plan on more and hubby gives in good luck. Have fun with your lil one now they grow so fast as I am sure you know that.... I know when we got married we always said we wanted 2 but decided to stop after Avery but did not happen that way. I made sure I have no more after Quentin I told the Doc to tie me VERY TIGHT and she double clamped me.... Take Care.....

First off, I'm very happy that your little one is doing much better!!!

As for having another one... my oldest 2 are 10 years apart. No we didn't really plan it that way, I went years being told I couldn't have anymore due to a heath issue. I did give up, that is till I just didn't feel right day after day and I figure I just might be... and I was. That was 4 years ago and 3 more kids. We now have a 13 yr old girl, 4 year old girl, 3 year old boy and a 14 mo old boy. There is no set can't have anymore... give your hubby a little time, he may come around to having another one. Sometimes the big gap bewteen the kids is nice and other time the little gap is nice, but either way they do love eachother.

I'm very happy with my family, but I was happy with it just being my oldest too. I love them all so much, my life felt complete with just one and complete with all four of them. Yes, I still joke about having more, Yes I'm still able to, my tubes aren't tied and he's not snipped... but we have our hands full with 4 kids (2 of with have health issues), my schooling and working full time. So time will tell, just as it will with you!!!

The harder you push now, I feel the less likely you will get what you want in the end! - Good luck!!!

My husband wasn't really sure he wanted 2 kids - he wanted to stick with the 1st too. I told him I really felt that we needed to try just once for one more. He was an only child, and has said numerous times, that he see's my siblings and I and sometimes feels like he missed out.

Now he thanks me for pursuing having a second. I'm sure it has helped immensely that she is a "daddy's girl"...she has yet to say Mommy, but says "Dah-DEEEEE" all the time.

Our daughters are 3 years apart, and the older definitely loves to help play with and take care of the younger. They're both very sweet.

We didn't have quite the issues you guys did with your first, but our oldest has been through a couple surgeries - tubes in her ears, on her eyes (had to have the muscles realigned), and for the first couple years she had fever spikes when she'd get sick. She seems to be growing out of that though.

For the last 3 years, though, our neighbor has been watching our oldest - once we got her out of daycare, she's been much healthier (not getting a cold all the time, or "hand/foot/mouth", ear infections, etc. Our youngest has been over there since she was about 8 weeks old, and has been fine - hardly been sick at all.

For what it's worth...

Hi M.,

I will try to make this brief as I'm sure you ahve your hands full with your little guy! I also have one son, who's now 4, and we (my husband and I) have just NOW come to the conclusion that we might like to try for another child. We were very happy with our little guy and were "one and done" until the last couple of months. My husband had told friends in a very joking way (okay this is going to sound terrible--so don't take it too seriously! he has a strange sense of humor) but he says babies are too much work "they poop in a bag and will die if you go away for hte weekend". But, with that said, he is the best father ever and is very loving, yet firm and loves our little boy beyond description. We conceived him with ivf, so in a sense, he was our miracle baby. Now, we will be attempting ivf again, since that is our only way to conceive, and I am hoping for another child. If it doesn't work, we will most likely just have him and that's okay too. I am an only, and it def. has it's advantages. Not so much the spoiling, but all the love you get, the fact that you have no choice but to be an independent thinker, and the extra $$ your parents can spend on your education (not just school but taking you places, etc.) as well as the one-on-one relationships you develop with family. But, with all of that said, I guess siblings provide many many benefits too! So I guess my advice is take it one step at a time. Try mostly to enjoy the little boy you have. Try not to look so much at other people with more then one or who are pregnant--but maybe take a look at mom's of onlies who are loving the heck out of that one baby! You and your hubby are on this journey together, and will soon be as a family too. My son says "I want a sista and a bwodda!--do it, do it, do it!" and I'd love for that to be a reality (well, maybe just one!) for him if that's what's meant to be. Best of luck to you on your journey! C.

Don't let your differences her ruin your marriage! Enjoy, treasure, embrace EVERY second you have with the one you have. Some people never get ANY!!!!!

Your husband will be a MUCH happier person, father, husband and friend if you can get past this. What about adoption even after the other one grows up? THERE ARE MILLIONS of kids who need good parents. TRUST ME.....you can love them just like your own!!!!!

Then.......you can give that child as much attention as he/she deserves. The older I get, the more I feel I can focus on the CHILD, NOT having this done, that done this way, etc. At this point....51....I feel I'm the BEST parent to a "just turned 6 year old" who isn't mine biologically....but it doesn't matter. It's better than I KNOW I would have been some years ago.....focusing on different things. NOW.....she's number one!!!

On top of that.....she keeps me bouncing, rolling, climbing, jumping, etc.......WWWWWWAAAAYY more than everyone else my age! AND.......I do it too! I don't even hesitate!!! I see other parents...twenties, thirties, and maybe forties..watch me at the park while I hang upside down, climb, throw toe touches while I bounce with her, etc. KEEPS ME YOUNG, too! I LOVE IT! I feel VERY fortunate to have one this young at my age and be able to do MORE than lots of parents at much younger ages.

Look at the future with possibilities, not emptiness. If you want more, borrow someone else's for a while and give them a break....even to go grocery shopping, etc. That will give YOUR child a chance to be around other kids, learn to share, play together, etc.

I would have to agree with you on most of your story. Having my second child gave my first a life long friend. They are three years apart and get along great. You and your husband should try to compromise on it. Good luck!

If your husband has siblings and is close with them, then ask him if he wants your son to miss out on the same experiences.

two kids are a lot harder than one!!......... until the second starts walking...... then it's lots of fun! mine are two years apart, and now that they are both toddlers (2 and 4) we have lots of fun. but that first year was REALLY hard!! my 2 year old was not very independant yet. now that he's four i think a baby would be so much easier-- he is dressing himself, feeding himself, totally done with potty training, and very independant... 3 years old would also be much better than two. i'm not regretting our child-spacing, we're happy about our kids ages...... but i'm just sharing my perspective on how it might be easier than it was for me.

I understand, my husband and I are still deciding if we will have another. I am so thankful for my daughter. We had tried for 8 years to have a baby our first daughter i miscarried at 20 weeks. I had a incompatate cervice so i had to have a cerlage for my next pregnancy i had to be off work for my whole pregnancy it was a struggle. I always wanted a lot of children.I would just be sure you both agree on having another. At this point i fear that if we agree on another and cant get pregnant that would be more upsetting to me than choosing to have only one. good luck to you.
H.

M.,

I totally understand your desires for a larger family. I too have that dream. I have two children now and went through quite a bit to get here.

I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with my daughter. I was in the hospital overnight when I was 9 weeks due to severe dehydration and undernourishment. I ended up losing 21 pounds during my pregnancy. I never did put it all back on. In fact, I weighed less when she was born than I did when I found out I was pregnant. I suffered from hyperemesis (severe vomiting during pregnancy).

She was delivered after an emergency induction and 12-hour labor. Everything was fine for a while, but then the vomiting started. She was tested for cystic fibrosis, celiac disease and acid reflux. Thankfully, it was reflux. She was also tongue-tied. After having that problem corrected, her eating became a bit better, but not great. We were constantly in the doctor's office for weight checks and she was declared 'failure to thrive' at one point.

I'm telling you all this to let you know that I've been there. I can understand what a traumatic thing it can be to have to deal with all this stuff. Perhaps your husband is just afraid that the same things are going to happen again and he's not sure either of you will be able to handle it as well. I'm sure you can though. We did.

My son's pregnancy was a bit easier, but I was still pretty sick. His labor and delivery were AWESOME! He also was tongue-tied and developed acid reflux. We had his tongue corrected sooner than my daughter's and his eating improved much more than hers did. We're still in the doctor's office much more than I particularly care for, but at least I'm more prepared for it. I know what's going on and am much less worried this time around.

So, all this to say that your husband may have some real concerns. Try talking to him about it. What are his reasons for not wanting more children? Is he worried about having another baby with such severe health problems? Is he afraid that it's going to get too expensive to have more than one child with these complications? Is he being pressured by someone else (like his parents) that one baby is enough? There are a multitude of possibilities. Communication is key. And, most importantly, the two of you need to make a decision that you can live with. This is your family and nobody else can tell you what is right for you. Believe me, I get enough of that from people around me too (friends and family saying that we don't need any more children because of how sick I get, we can't afford another, we don't have the space...).

I hope you've been encouraged by this. I know the true desires of having more children, trust me. :)

God bless,
A.

Hello M.! I can understand how traumatized you and yor husband were when your son was ill and had to have surgery. It sounds like your husband may not want to risk having to go through something like that again. Maybe you and he could talk with your doctor and find out how likely it is that another child would have the same disorder. I have a neice and nephew who were both born with a heart disorder which led to their having surgery on their hearts when they were older. My brother and his wife had testing done to see if it was a genetic disorder in one of them that had caused this. It was, and it was probable that any children they had would be born with the same disorder as my neice and nephew. They decided not to have any more children since they already had a son and a daughter. So you might want to see what your doctor thinks as to how genetics may have or have not contributed to your son's situation. If there is no reason to believe that any more children that you have will be born with Pyloric Stenosis, then your husband might change his mind about having another child. Even if there is a chance that another child would have this problem, that doesn't mean they will for sure. No one but God knows for sure. If you do have another child born with this disorder there is always the same surgery for them. I understand that having your son going through surgery was traumatic for you and your husband, and I don't want to minimize that. However, knowing beforehand that a new baby might be born with the same problem won't take away all the concerns surrounding surgery on a baby, but at least you will be prepared. I have known a lot of people who wanted to have their children close together, and I've known others who wanted to wait a while before having another child. Since your son is only 14 months old, waiting another year would still put your kids pretty close in age. And even if you decided to go ahead and try for one now, there is no guarantee that you'll get pregnant right away. It might end up being a while anyway. But I encourage you to talk with your husband and find out for sure what he wants to do. If he says that he thinks one is enough, ask him to tell you why he feels that way. Find out if it is due to his fear that you guys would have to go through the same thing as you did with your son's illness. Then proceed from there. Whatever happens I wish you the best. Take care!

Hi M., I do understand your situation as I never wanted to have just one child. For me I think it is cruel to raise only one child if it can be helped. We had our daughter and when she was three we wanted another baby but I miscarried two times and finally when she was 8 1/2 years old she got her brother. Needless to say after having shots to help carry him I figured there would be no more.Guess what!!! surprise we had another son. It is a lot of work but you know what now that they are in their 30's and 40's :-) and see them have their own babies I would not change it for anything. My problem is one of our grandson (26) lives with us after living in Fla. and that is no problem but our other grandson is in Iraq and our two granddaughters live in Ca. which is 3000 miles from us. but it nice to get their phone calls. Good luck on your decision and they will be loved how ever how many you have. God Bless K.

Having a second is a very personal choice so I can only tell you what we are planning (things change). We feel that at least 4 years between children is perfect. At 4 you can actually talk to your child and help them understand how things will be changing. They can also help out, this helps them feel included instead of pushed out to make room for the new baby. Sure your little one will only be 4, but by then he can fetch diapers and go get blankets and even help with a feeding (supervised of course). This might be a good idea for you too, a year or two and your husband might change his mind.

Good luck.

Good Luck with this! I wanted a second child so badly, and my husband finally caved when our son was 6. Our son has a minor heart condition that (we were told) would be worse in our second child, which scared the pants off of us. We now have a 9 year old and a 2 year old (with NO heart condition...YAY!). I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so glad that we waited. The age difference is awesome. Honestly I don't know how people have their children so close. I have a friend who has 4 kids under 5. I am personally suprised not to see her hair pulled out! LOL. The only way that I convinced my husband is by constatly discussing it. Although, I have a few friends that only have one kid and they love it. There is a lot of pressure to have more than one child, and there is a lot of pressure to have kids.

You guys need to decide what is best for you. The only thing I can tell you is that we didn't think we were going to have another kid, so when #2 came along, we had to buy almost everything (crib, car seat, etc). That is the only part of having 2 so far apart that I would not suggest....LOL.

I hope that you guys can come to a resolution that you can both live with. Don't let it become an issue that comes between you!

First, I'm sorry for all that you have been through with your little guy. It's hard to ever predict how deep your feelings of fear would be when a child has physical issues, and surely, that's what your hubby is responding to. Maybe he needs a little more time, but you should definitely keep your dream alive. You have room in your heart for another one (or more), and are more willing to take the risks that your husband is right now, but you also want your son to have a sibling, which is the best gift you can give him (even though they will fight like heck!! I have two and I think it's just part of life. But the skills they get from the fighting are invaluable.) Tell your husband that you understand his feelings, but you have feelings, too, and they won't just go away. Tell him you want to re-evaluate in 6 months. And then leave it in God's hands. Best of luck to your growing family! And in the meantime, enjoy every minute you have alone with your little guy, because you will miss it. Once you have another, it will never be just the two of you again.