Two Kids Had Same Path up to a Point

Some things in your post don't make a lot of sense to me. First, his scholarship was 8k. That may seem like a lot, until you consider that his annual tuition will be roughy $60k. That means he (and you) will be left to pay over $200k for his education. If you can afford to do that, then why didn't you pay for both of them to go to this counselor?

Getting into an Ivy League isn't as simple as getting serious when you're 18 and going to see a counselor to get some tips. It's really the culmination of years of work. And if both boys were on the same track, and Art son was even doing better academically, then I have a hard time believing he couldn't get accepted into any decent colleges. (Keep in mind that at most universities, you must first be accepted to the University. You then apply for admission to the business school, after you meet the criteria.)

What seems more plausible is that Art Son just isn't interested in business. It's not what he's passionate about. And that's ok. Your role should be to help him develop a career that he loves, not to keep up with his brother. Since you'll be spending a lot of money on Business son, consider spending a little on Art son also. Let him go to camp. Better yet, let him travel in Europe for a few weeks to see the fabulous artwork. It won't come even close to what one year at the Ivy League school will cost you. And it will get him away from the pressure he's feeling at home.

Is this for real?
Who expects their kids to be financially equal, whether they are twins or not? Different professions have different incomes.
I hope your "artist" son gets away from your family and lives a good life because you all sound incredibly shallow and mean.
Oh, and in case you didn't know it, there ARE people who make money in the arts. Yes it's competitive but it happens so quit telling your kid his only hope is to be a teacher (and if he wants to be a teacher so what?)

I think your artist son will be just fine. Sounds like he is a good person finding his own path. I think your real issue is with the jerk you married and the other jerk you raised. If I were you, I would encourage your kind, smart artist to get as far away as possible from the other two. I am not kidding.

It's frustrating when things don't work out for our kids. I'm sure there's an added burden when you have twins and have a daily temptation to compare them.

I see a few problems here that you might want to look at. Business kid "applied himself" but Art Kid did not. Still, you expected Business Kid to be the parent and get Art Kid to do the same thing? Where were you and their father when one kid was doing this all on his own and the other one wasn't? Was there any thought to providing encouragement or direction to both kids? To checking up on them? You paid for counseling for only one kid, and are surprised when the other kid doesn't have that advantage?? Maybe Art Kid feels you don't value him the same way?

You see Business Kid as successful - he got into a Ivy League School with $8,000 - but you don't say where the other $60,000 is coming from. You say he has a great summer job. But he's also a "bully" and a "manipulator," "smug" and "self-satisfied," and someone who intentionally misled or mis-instructed art students to perhaps sabotage his brother. You say it drives you nuts but you also seem to admire it and consider him successful. He sounds like a pretty undesirable person and not someone I'd want my teen to befriend. You say that their father picks on Artist Kid, but you have nothing but disdain for him as well, because you say he's in a "third rate" program, and then you kind of diss teachers as those who couldn't succeed at anything (when in fact they are among the most dedicated and under-appreciated professionals anywhere). You say Art Kid wants to go away to some summer program - and I can't blame him. I'd want to get the hell out of this home/family and go where my accomplishments and talents are appreciated.

Your job is done as a parent because these kids are grown. One is a money-grubbing mean kid and the other is a struggling and un-appreciated artist. Your ex is obviously even more disappointed in the sensitive and artistic kid than you are, and even more enamored of the nasty kid. I think the best thing for both kids is to get away from this family and off on their own, and make their way entirely separate from each other. They don't love and respect each other, and they don't seem to have anything to gain from the other. I'm sorry that you and your ex had such bad parenting that you couldn't find your way to nurture both kids in their own interests but I don't think there's a think you can do about it now. The time to care was when they were growing up, but once you abdicated the parenting and delegated the responsibility for Art Kid to Business Kid, you kind of got off the parenting train and onto the laissez faire train. You can examine your own actions or not, but at this point, I'd leave the kids alone. The only thing they're learning is pettiness and the value of money.

I suspect they did NOT have the same path until they hit 18. I suspect you wanted them to have the same path. It can be annoying when kids make their own decisions.

Your boys are living THEIR lives. You need to accept that while they look alike they are not the same person. Honestly, it sounds like you don't like your business kid very much, which I find sad.

Artists can make very good money but even if he doesn't make millions, he is doing what makes him happy. As parents, that is all we can ask for, that our children are happy. You should be proud that you raised two young men who are going after their dreams, because isn't that what you want for them?

Ok, slow down. One of your sons was not accepted into any business schools. That's ok, maybe he's not interested in business. He's been accepted into a "third-rate program for artists." I'm really not sure if that is a college or not, but let's skip over that for now.

There are so many opportunities out there. There are ways for him to explore his art and find a way to earn a living. Teaching is just one of them.

Talk to him about what he would like to do. If he would really like to study art, explore options with him. Talk to his art teacher or guidance counselor or others in the community. What areas of art interest him? Is he at all interested in graphic design? Find others in your community that share his interests and see what they have to say. Talk to someone at the local community college or nearby university or even the school where he was accepted. Keep talking to people about his options.

Maybe there's another field he would be interested in studying that could lead him to a good job opportunity and allow him to continue art as a hobby.

This is absolutely not about comparing your two sons or saying that the brother wasn't fair and didn't share knowledge or that the father is showing favoritism. All of those things could be true, but none of that matters. Support the son who needs to find his way. Work with him in finding opportunities and guidance from people in that field. Help him find a mentor.

Don't forget to be a mom to the business major. He might be acting very superior now, but chances are he will be taken down a peg or two in the years to come. Help him, too. Guide him, support him and maybe remind him that family is important and supporting each other is very, very important. Not every opportunity is going to work out, but his brother will always be a part of his life. How you treat other people says more about you as a person that the school you go to and how much money you make.

I hope to God this is a fake post, but on the very OFF chance it isn't . . .

1. So you paid for one kid to find out about college and scholarships, but didn't pay for the other. Just kind of "expected" them to share the information. Wow, that's on YOU, sister, not the "business" kid.

2. Somehow, this led the "business" kid to have some special knowledge of how to get into an "ivy league" school (not buying this, but ok). Ummmm . . . the information isn't THAT special. If "artist" kid didn't apply himself to figuring out the secret handshake, that's all on him.

3. "Artist" kid is going to a 3rd rate program for artists - well, again, that's on him. According to you, he was an A+ honors student in high school. Either he is not that great of an artist or can't afford a better school. (and 3rd rate is subjective - just because you think it is a sucky school, doesn't mean it actually is).

4. As a mother, why are you comparing who makes how much money to determine their value or their happiness scale, or YOURS for that matter? Seek help for that, please.

5. As a mother, why are you allowing your husband and son to bully this one child? Again, seek help for that please - good parents do not allow their children (adult or not) to not feel loved, respected and appreciated in their own home. If you will not step to the plate, encourage your "artist" son to move to a place where is is wanted.

6. You wonder why your "business" son is such a smug brat? Geez, based on your own opinion coupled with your husband clearly siding with "business" son in the quest to put down "artist" son? Yeah, you and hubby created your smug monster all on your own. He is only modeling the behavior he sees in his own home.

7. "Artist" kid is sad because, well, his own sibling sabotages him at every turn, his father is a bully, and his mother is a passive-agressive milksop. No wonder the kid is bummed out.

While you are 'looking out' for artist kid, it doesn't sound like you are truly accepting of him, otherwise you would be ok with his decision. It sounds like none of you are. That's got to be h*** o* him.

It sounds like you all support business kid, because you like what he's going to do and has done to this point.

So there's this great divide. You compare the two and that's not fair. It's not fair to do to any siblings - regardless of how close the age gap (or not).

I get you are concerned for artist child. Then be supportive. Any child who feels supported will flourish. The ones who don't do well are the criticized ones or the ones who feel ridiculed and not good enough.

I would let him follow his dreams, and help him find ways to make it work. Some kids take the path a -> b -> c to success. Some kids go a -> f -> g -> b -> c .... to success. It's not the same for every kid. I was the kid whose path wasn't straightforward. That's ok. I got there in the end. Thankfully my mom supported me and didn't compare me to my siblings.

The whole family dynamic you've got going on obviously is not working and sounds really dysfunctional. You know that and it's not supportive of anyone really. Business kid isn't in a good position either - you're expecting him to sort of parent his sibling and that will build resentment between the twins, and that's not fair on them. The best gift you can give them is to let them just be brothers and share that bond. Don't expect one to carry the other. If your husband is not caring or respectful - then that's a whole other issue to work on and you need to deal with yourself (why you take that).

welcome to mamapedia, G..

STOP your twins may look alike but they are NOT "equal". Let them live their own lives.

They are both adults. They do NOT have to share income nor should they be "equal" in their income. They EARN their way. They are NOT entitled to ANYTHING to which they did NOT earn themselves.

There is NOTHING wrong with being an artist. It might now pay well - but for me? I don't give a flying eff what my kids DO for a living - as long as it's legal and they ENJOY it. Not having a job you enjoy SUCKS. You really need to like/love what you do!

Your business school kid knows your artsy kid was NOT going to be a fit for the Ivy League school. Nothing wrong with that. The fact that your artsy kid asked him to teach a lesson and he might have given the wrong information? That's on your artsy kid for not providing a detailed list of what to do. In my opinion? He asked the wrong person to do his job.

You seem to have favorites. Your artsy kid is your soft spot. but I find it interesting that you paid for one to go to a counselor and not the other. An $8K scholarship to an Ivy League school is books. If you don't live in-state? The tuition is at least $60K per year.

How old are they now? It sounds to me like they are both adults and they both chose different paths in life and this is ok! It is ok to not be financially equal...that is just life. Everyone has to figure out life on their own and make their own choices. One of your sons has a passion for art and this is what he is choosing to do...art and teaching. This is a great goal and a great life. Not everyone values business and believes success is about making more money. It sounds to me like the problem here is your husband and your business-oriented son are both not nice people and are bullies/a**holes. From what you have said about them I do not like them at all. I'd encourage the artist son to follow his own goals and path and to not listen to jerks like them...I'd even advise him to distance himself from them since they treat him so badly.

Your twins are individual people with different goals and desires.
Did the non business major want any help - from anyone - let alone his brother?

Did you pay for counseling for one child or for both?
And if you didn't pay for both, then why did you expect one to teach the other?
They are two people - you don't get a two for one deal on anything.

It's alarming that Dad and business kid are ganging up on everyone else.

I think it's time for the brothers to have some space from each other and each go their own way.
Artist kid needs to do his own job and not ask his brother for anything - and really I don't think that mature adult siblings should 'cover' for each other at work or anywhere else.

If Dad can't be supportive of his artist kid - the Dad needs some counseling because it sucks that he's being abusive to one child while stroking the other.
Parental favoritism damages all the kids involved.

Neither brother should be parenting the other.
I'm not an expert but I'm thinking the twin experience for these two has gone a little wrong for them and some counseling individually or together might help them both a lot.

They might have started out in the womb together but you need to stop with the desire for them to 'be equal'.
They each have their own strengths and weaknesses.
Their needs are different and they each have their own unique path to travel through life.
Pretend each is an only child and treat them as individuals.

Additional:
What you do is you provide equal amounts of aid for their prospective educations no matter what directions they go in.
If you help with $50,000 toward business school, you also provide $50,000 for art college.

18 is pretty late to start getting on your 'successful' twin to be more helpful to the 'stupid' one.

they had the 'exact same path' up to this point because they were kids. now they're young adults, and it sure sounds as if they are forcefully throwing off heavy parental expectations and following their own paths.

good for them.

you say you're the only one looking out for the starving artist, but you sure don't sound supportive to me. your husband is a jerk, and the ivy league brother sounds like a chip off the old block.

i suggest you stop living vicariously through your kids and actually support them in their divergent paths and different adventures.
khairete
S.

Are these people your sons and your husband? Just checking, because you refer to them in terms like "the business kid" and "the dad". Do you LOVE them?

If you love them, act like it! Speak about your sons in terms that reflect your love and your support for their interesting paths.

$8K scholarship at an "Ivy League" school is almost nothing - books, like a poster below says.

"We paid for his counseling and told him to share the information" - why did you not pay for similar counseling for both sons?

"The business kid manipulates the artist into going to concerts and restaurants" - so, your son wants to spend time with his brother...?! Can you phrase it that way?

"The business kid is happy" - are you sure? How do you know?

"The business kid enjoys coaching younger kids" - again, a GOOD THING!

Your artist son once asked his brother to cover for him in teaching his art class - is he nuts...what could possibly have made that seem like a good idea?!

This post is so all-over-the-place that I would be inclined to wonder if this is a troll post. Someone testing a half-baked idea for a movie/book plot. If this is a sincere post from a parent - work on developing your love for BOTH SONS. If this is a movie/book plot idea - you need to tighten up some of the details, at this point it is just not credible.

You say your twins had the same path growing up, but are you sure? It seems that one was intent on getting accepted to a prestigious school and plotting a career in business, and the other was devoted to art. B (the business kid) has a well-paying summer job lined up, and A (the art kid) will be going to camp to learn or teach art. These paths must have started earlier in their lives - they just didn't turn 18 and develop these traits in a poof of smoke in an instant.

Both career paths are admirable. We need business leaders. But we need artists, and medical professionals, and singers, and accountants, and kindergarten teachers, and researchers. The world needs the quiet dedicated scientists who spend their days and nights in labs trying to cure diseases, and it needs the performers who love dancing in the streets. We need garbage collectors and cable tv installers and cowboys and bakers and Marines.

Your twins may never be financially equal, but really, is that a good goal to have? Financial stability, sure, enough to provide for housing and food. Financial accountability and trustworthiness. Those are good goals. But equality, when one twin is business oriented and the other is artistic?

You might rethink your hopes and dreams for your kids. B might flourish and thrive in the fast pace of Wall Street. A might find true happiness teaching art. One of the most memorable people I met during my daughter's many hospitalizations was an artist who came to the ward to do art projects with the kids in the hospital. She had a tote bag of paper and coloring books and clay and pencils and crayons. It was such a joy when she smiled at a little kid hooked up to all kinds of machines who managed to scribble some colors on a paper. And the smile on that kid's face, oh, that was magic. No needles, no pain for just a few minutes. Just colors and creativity and an art teacher who accomplished so much healing with a tote bag of simple art supplies.

I can think of no better thing than to teach and inspire creativity. When you say that the best hope for A is to be a "teacher or something", I think you mean it in a defeated way, but I look at it as a potentially wonderful gift to the world. The best hope for A is to teach. That's awesome.

Of course A will have to work hard. Is it your goal for your twins to not have to work hard, to have money flow in like from a faucet? That's awful.

From your description, B sounds quite miserable. He sounds mean.

Help A understand that you love his creativity and his plan to teach art, and help him stand up to B. A doesn't need to be manipulated. Encourage his art and stop looking at money and income and prestige as the goals your kids should have. They should be honest, polite, encouraging, respectful, inspiring young men, regardless of their chosen professional paths. There are your goals. Now help your kids get straightened out. B needs kindness, A needs respect.

Are you and The Father married? From what you have put I sure hope you are not married to the jerk. And if you are get counseling. You need to support both of your children no matter what path they take in life. They are not going to have the same interests.

no two people are alike. and just because you have twins does not mean they should be the same.
my nieces are opposites. they are twins and one is a tomboyish lovable gal who respects everyone and is easy to hang out with and talk to. her sister is her opposite. she is a girly girl constantly challenging authority, she is bossy and not very easy to hang out with unless you like being told what to do. she is artistic while her tomboyish sister is more into reading and math.
they are being raised the same.

if you are expecting your artistic child to be just like his brother then you are nuts. and need to seek help for yourself. you are putting an unnecessary pressure on the boys to be like one another. i suggest you start getting on the business kid and teach him respect for those not as financially stable as he is. his "smug" attitude will only hurt him in the long run and he will not have may friends.

Both boys are adults who will figure their lives out. You are no longer responsible for their decisions. You must let this go. You trying to control your adult children is causing family relationships difficulty.

As a mom, It's most helpful for your son's if you support their choices in education and career choices. You want your artist son to make money like his brother. Maybe that's not important to him. Comparing them to each other is not helpful. They are each a separate individual with different personalities

BTW Artists have more opportunities now than when you were younger. They can make.good money.

Sounds like you are not done parenting, business kid is not turning out to be a good man and you need to talk to him. If he is disrespectful then you don't let him in your home. If husband is mistreating son who lives with you both talk to husband, if he refuses to change maybe you and son need to get a place away from husband and smug son. In the end they choose different paths, and that is okay. For some people money is all important, for others life is more important (working to live, not living to work) and imo that is the better path. Your children don't need to be income equal, but they do need to understand that choosing money is not always the better choice and certainly does not make one a better man than the other, they both just have to live their own lives. But you can demand respect, at least while in your home, from both of them to you and to each other (as well as from your husband to all of you) and if they refuse you have choices of your own to make.