Stepdaughter Manipulating Her Father

First of all, let the clothing stuff go. MANY teenage girls go through phases of dressing like trash, she won't do it forever and it's not worth the hassle.
She's 16, it's a very difficult age, and is probably even more difficult in a step family. Instead of trying to control her, step back, let her stumble and make mistakes, make yourself scarce when she's around. She should be spending time with her dad on the weekends she visits anyway. Take some time for yourself when she visits. Get out of the house, spend time with friends, do something fun. I think you just need some space and so does she.

It's his daughter and if he wants to let her dress like a tramp, so be it. Say nothing. Ignore her and go about your business. If she doesn't like the dinner, tell her the kitchen is available, but she needs to clean up after herself. Make sure you tell her that when Dad is around to hear it.
Make yourself scarce when she is at home. It's his responsibility. It's time he stepped up to the plate. If he is going off on the weekend to do something, remind him that you are going (wherever) and then disappear. Make him deal with the kids.
LBC

.

I have two stepdaughters that were terrible to me during their teenage years. Not having grown up with a father, I have no background experience in healthy father-daughter relationships but I swear it was hard not to be jealous of those two. They flirted, they paraded around in nothing, they manipulated, they climbed into his lap when they were 18, they deliberately tried to push my buttons. He was just happy to have his girls around and saw no fault at all. Most of the time, (most - I lost it sometimes, too) I said nothing and they grew up, they got married, they had kids and they were no longer driven to push my buttons. Now I have a great relationship with one of them and an okay but still a little strained relationship with the other. But the really good news is that their dad has a much more realistic view of his kids now that they are adults. So I would advise ignoring most of it. She's 16 and she'll have better things to do than trying to get your goat soon. The one thing I would not put up with is having your children treated any differently than his children. I would set all the little stuff aside - the short shorts and the nail polish (and yes, I think the bend over routine is directed at you - ignore it) and quietly but diligently aim at this inequity only. Because that inequity can last a lifetime and everything else is just fleeting irritation. So if she cons him into things your kids didn't have, tell him you support his relationship with his daughter and you expect he will support your relationship with your sons as well. Your sons may be adults now but adult kids still have needs so if you need to make a small loan to help them out or you need to spend some money to take them on a little trip to have some family time, you do it. And you tell your husband, yes, I want a good relationship with my sons just like you want a good relationship with your daughter. So just like you felt you needed to help her with road lessons, I feel like I need to take my sons to xxx or do xxx for my son. If there's one thing you can take from this situation, it's this message: He is protecting his relationship with his daughter...and you need to protect your relationship with your boys, too.

Since each time she is bending over for you to experience maybe you should whip out the camera and take her picture..

She sounds like a piece of work..
She is also a product of how she was raised or not parented..

Your husband does not really have to deal with her, so he does not want to make it uncomfortable for himself.. He is not doing his daughter any favors..

Girls gain a lot of their self worth and respect based on how their fathers treat them.. She is begging for his attention.. She wants him to let her know what boys and men think about her behaviors, but instead he is not able or willing to be a dad and let her know he does not approve..

It is too bad for both of them..

Let her dress like a tramp. Don't say a word. I would not be available to help with his kids. If you want to help your kids with extra money do so they are your kids! You and your husband need to go to counseling. Especially if he is saying you have the problem. If not, you are going to be going through divorce number 2. Good luck!

I love Dawn's idea... make yourself unavailble on the weekends- take your other children out to the park or something so that he has "alone time" with his kids. He can make them lunch or dinner... whatever.

Bottom line is that she's a bratty teen who is playing the "daddy card" to get money and attention. I would completely ignore her. Make dinner. If she doesn't like it- she doesn't eat it. If she wants to dress inappropriately and your husband doesn't want to say anything, then he can deal with the fall-out in the coming years.

Don't let her ruin your marriage (probably what she's hoping to do) and stop letting her divide the family. If she's a pain, let your husband deal with it entirely.

Let go of things you can't control. She will grow up and grow out of this behavior and you will still have your husband by your side. Or you can let it come between you and you wont have him by your side. I know, easier said than done. But, really, all you can do is accept that she is a child and has childish ways, but she is the apple of daddys eye. It's out of your hands. Don't play into it. Just do what's best for your kids, let him do whats best for his, and try to love each other in spite of the stuff kids do.

I think Dawn has the right idea. Your stepdaughter is begging for daddy's attention. When she comes over, let it be the 2 of them for the most part. This would be a great time for you to go go to a fitness or art class, meet friends for lunch, get your shopping done, go to the spa or whatever. Smile and greet her as she arrives and say "have fun, I will see you two later!" Honestly, I see this solving a lot of problems...your husband not only gets in the bonding time that her visits are for, he is also then the one that is right there and in charge of correcting her behavior when needed (whether he chooses to is up to him). I would try to let go of any ideas of being her "parent". My parents are not divorced, but my SIL just said the other day that nothing pissed her off more than when her step mom tried to make her into "her little daughter". I also saw good advice on here not too long ago, for a similar situation- the advice was that as a step parent, you can be a caregiver, much like a nanny. So you provide food and maybe take her to her appointments and provide basic discipline that a nanny might, but for anything big, leave it to dad. Good luck. I know this type of situation was too much for my mother in law, her husbands kids were out of control and he is a soft touch and would not discipline. They divorced but now that the kids are out of the house they are married to each other again!

Being a step-parent is SO much harder than anyone could ever explain. Navigating the boundaries of rules, discipline, authority, etc. feels like an impossible situation sometimes. You can see things that the birth parent either can't or chooses not to see, and it is so delicate to say anything that may touch that chemical parent-child bond because you may be met with defensiveness etc. In most cases, the step-parent relationship is primarily practical, while the birth parent relationship is primarily emotional.

For me, what has made things a little easier is picking the things directly involve me personally and letting everything else go. Things like my carpet, my space/things, etc. No drinks upstairs (white carpet), no kids in my "office," no shoes left in front of the door or kids's stuff cluttering up the kitchen. I made a "chore jar" filled with little pieces of paper with chores written on them, and if a rule is broken the kid gets an automatic chore jar pick and does it then and there. This eliminates a lot of the emotional trouble associated with getting angry/punishing by a step-parent -- it is a cut and dried cause and effect thing. I don't get myself upset. I just get my floors vacuumed or bathroom cleaned! Win-win.

Now, this may sound incredibly harsh or impersonal, but I do not get myself involved in the step-kids' school, dress, attitudes, etc. AT ALL. Ignoring these things means the kids won't try to use it against you in a passive aggressive way. We had major issues when I was trying to help the kids with school. They resented me telling them what to do and so resisted schoolwork. Now that I've stepped away, they take care of it more readily. And if they don't, oh well. I've decided that it's not my responsibility to make sure they get good grades, look respectable, etc. I just can't do it. I leave it to their dad to set those standards. It makes everything too hard and ugly when I am involved. So my advice is to let it go, don't even comment on her outfits, etc. and I bet she will stop waving her butt in your face when she realizes you aren't paying attention.

Good luck!

I would keep trying to talk to him about it and consider counseling if the situation deteriorates. He's setting you up to be the bad guy and Evil Stepmother. Also, if he doesn't reel in his kid (who is basically peeing on your territory by her behavior) then he's creating an unhappy home for EVERYONE.

It is sometimes hard for parents to see that the issue isn't just the spouse complaining. I have recently let my DH feel the brunt of his kids' behavior. Things like SS leaving without a word and being gone through dinner (SS is an adult but I resent feeling like a hotel). DH cooks and has planned meals for SS with his favorite things and gotten hurt when SS is not around. It hurts to see DH hurt, but my talking to DH about SS's behavior (I work from home so I see more) didn't work.

Sometimes my DH will just get defensive and say he's tired of my negativity. I've said I'm tired of feeling disrespected in my home. My daughter is "our" daughter, so I don't have the same situation you do. However, when SD gets bossy or mean or overly parental with her little sister, I do feel the Momma Bear bristle.

Sometimes all you can do is change your reaction and make it his problem. However, I would not make it that you leave the dinner table, for example. If she wants to come down not fully dressed, ask him to back you on a "no pjs at the dinner table" rule. I would also gently ask him what he thinks of his daughter's body hanging out all the time. Not just at home. Is he really OK with her falling out of her clothes in public? It's embarrassing and disrespectful, IMO. There are times when my SD's skirt is too short and we say it's not appropriate and she has to change or we aren't taking her with us. I have lost the "no bra straps showing" battle, something I WILL fight with my daughter. DH lets it go. If I don't have his backup...it's hard to fight. I pick my battles. "No, you can't go to my sister's baby shower in that. Please show more respect and change."

If you are both spending your OWN money on your kids, then what's his problem? If it's joint finances, then have an "allowance" per kid for each of you to spend on your children as you see fit.

The long and the short is that DH cannot buy his daughter's love. He thinks he can, but in the end he will only be important to her as long as he fills her outstretched hand with something material. He is afraid of his daughter more than he's concerned about his wife. And that is sad.

I'm sorry for the people who answered your question rudely. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE who has not been in a step parent role understands what it's like. Most moms get protective of their children and if they are not step moms themselves, they will ALWAYS take the child's side and tell you to step back. Ignore them. Step parenting is hard because you are dealing with all kinds of dynamics, and while she is in your home, you are an authority figure. It doesn't matter if she "asked" for this situation or not. Children who are born to poor parents don't ask for it either. They just learn to deal with what they've been dealt, and there's no reason they can't turn out to be wonderful adults.

I think your stepdaughter has turned everything into a "game." I know this because my friend had a stepmom she disliked (for reasons that no longer exist) and she played that game. She regrets it now that she's an adult because she sees now that the things she thought were true about her stepmom weren't at all. As an adult she can see how her stepmom was truly on her side, and that many of the relationship strains were because she was being a rebellious teen, and also upset at the fact her father remarried.

I'm sure your stepdaughter has a lot of feelings that she's not prepared to deal with. I would say, stop playing her game. Stop acknowledging that any of it bothers you. My friend used to silently cheer whenver she got her stepmom upset.

This "game" that she's playing is taking her mind off of the real issues at hand. She's focusing all her energy on getting to you. I feel bad for both of you. It's not "in your head" and it's not right what she's doing. That being said, it's not "your fault" and being a stepmom doesn't mean YOU do all the sucking up when the kids get out of hand.

I agree that right now the best solution is to take some "you" time when she's around. Leave the house. Run your errands, have lunch with friends, take a class, etc. That way you won't be playing her game and you'll get some relaxation time as well!

She can't rebel if there's nothing to rebel against!

The good news is after my friend grew up and saw things differently, she not only appreciated everything her stepmom tried to do for her, but they have a wonderful relationship as well. So in the future you and your stepdaughter may look back on this...and laugh :)

Honestly she sounds like a typical teenage girl. Dresses like a today's teens, wants money, spills nail polish, doesnt want to do chores. VERY TYPICAL. Do your kids always dress nice and jump to do chores around the house? are they ever disrespectful to their stepfather?? I think you should consider your feelings about her. why are you so critical? Did you grow up in a similar situation, visiting one parent who has another family and living with another? She is a child who is understandably jealous about her daddy, the only daddy she has, she is jealous of you and any children who live with him full time. She is difficult because of this and because she is a teen. Yes you should get out of the house more when she is visiting. Yes you should do family counseling. Could you bring yourself to spend an hour one on one with her? take her out for ice cream, or lunch just the two of you, show her some friendliness. I agree with your husband this girl is not acting like a typical teenager just to spite you. get counseling so you and your hubby can save your marriage and be on the same page with the kids

Here's the thing. You're putting your husband in the middle of you and your step-daughter who is still a child. A child. Even though she's 16 she's still a child and she's proving it by how she's behaving. She's doing everything she can to get her Daddy's attention, don't you see that? She's competing for his attention and she shouldn't have to. He's her Daddy. And her Daddy shouldn't have to choose between his wife and daughter. If he's a good father then there isn't really a choice... he'll choose his daughter every time. You're a parent of your own biological children, you surely understand that.

And since you've paid child support you must also be aware that child support goes to pay for things like rent, clothing, food, school supplies, and other child care related things. The money doesn't get handed over to the child. If she's asking her Daddy for money for driving lessons, then clearly it's not being paid for and she has the right to ask him. She would have the right to ask for some spending money to go out with friends too. If she's not working, where else would she get money? Hooking? Selling drugs? Selling term papers?

Perhaps what you should start doing is be the sort of step-mother that you would hope your own children would have. Sometimes the only way to change someone else's behavior, behavior that is reactionary to your own, is to change your own behavior. And encourage your husband to spend a lot more one on one time with his daughter. Say it in a loving way in front of your step-daughter. Spend some quality time with her if you can and if you ever cared about her before, try to remember what you like about her. Compliment the good things about her and tell her what you love about her.

Otherwise you come off looking like the bad guy here. You're not. She's not either.

Well,if your husband asked you to choose between him or your kids.....

Yeah, a parent will always choose his child, and that's how it should be.

I'm sorry it's inconvenient for you that his kids are different than your own.

You totally lost me on 'the whole house changes to suit is kids'. So you feel the KIDS should change to suit YOU?

Were they offered choices? Did they have the same choices as you? They have no choices, they are victims of their father's and mother's choices.

I'm sorry but she already HAS a mother, I'm pretty sure nobody took her needs into consideration when the parents split, or when you decided to marry her father.

I'm incredibly enough going to have to side with your husband on this one. Which, of course, won't matter to YOU in the LEAST, since it's ALL ABOUT YOU anyway, right?

Really, I just can't imagine where the term 'Step Monster' comes from?!

One more thing, do you realized your SD has been old enough for FOURS YEARS to decide for herself whether she wants to visit her Dad at all?

I wish she was MY SD, we'd have a blast! I'd like to be her friend/confidant, not her mother, since she already HAS one.

I'm sorry, but I agree, it probably IS best for ALL the kids and adults if you 'pack your bags'. Not sure family counseling will help much if you don't want to hear 'IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU'.

:(

Hmm. alot on your plate.

You should have some say about what is and isn't appropriate in your house. As for her short shorts, she can own them, but it doesn't mean she has to be allowed to wear them. Go to the store and buy her some that are similar but an inch longer. As for walking around the house in her nightgown, buy her a robe that she keeps there, they sell some nice light weight, full cover ones. (my 10y has to either be dressed or in his robe when he's downstairs). We have lots of neighbors and lots of windows were anyone just walking by can see in. I also use the theory of we're a busy house and you never know when a friend or a cute girl will show up at the door and what would they think of you being in the living room in just your underpants...

As for the always complaining about the food, let her cook a meal. Let her see how it feels to spend time cooking and then have someone or more than someone not appreciate it.

I do agree tho that somethings you just have to let go, pick your battles, or gently suggest a different way to do or wear something.