Problem with MIL

I feel for you! This is NOT your problem. Sorry, but your hubby needs to step in a deal with HIS Mom!! If he was having problems w/your Mom, there is no way you'd just sit back and watch, right? It's his Mom.

Sorry you are going through this!
M.

Your Hubby HAS TO be a man, and step up to her, and his RESPONSIBILITY in being a Husband... not a shrinking violet to his Mom.

Now, I know that "bullies" do what they want regardless. All the methods used to handle them, simply do not work sometimes, and therefore puts all the strain/stress/problems on the person being used like a door-mat. ie: you.

Things like this can create divorce. My Aunty went through that. So I know. (my Aunty has since remarried and is VERY happy). So... you better sit down with Hubby.... and BOTH work out a solution. This is for your family/children and as a couple.

Your MIL is now inviting herself over to your home. Under the circumstances of all her lies and trouble-making... this is simply not acceptable. Or, you let her in, and YOU are the one who will have to put up or be quiet about it. Your Hubby will not do anything. I really feel for you.

If your MIL is a compulsive "liar"... then she will not know how to stop... much less, empathize with you. She already proved that, and will always blame you, instead.
She does not listen or understand your reaching out and rational requests. She has psychological issues... which I'm sure your Hubby must know about, because he is her son. So, he deals with it by "choosing" not to get involved. It must be a vicious cycle in his family.

I would feel very intruded upon, if someone, anyone, barged into my home uninvited. It's not right. But your MIL obviously does not understand social manners or protocols.

Now, you and your Hubby HAVE TO be a team about this... .you have to have boundaries. Your Hubby has to be a man... and do something about it. You have to sit down with him... and/or you both need counseling... because of your MIL and because of the way your Hubby refuses to be responsible for his role in all this.

Yes, your MIL is not mentally well balanced.
So, unfortunately, you will have to deal with this always, because MIL will not have to change. Forgiveness is great...but when someone is bullied and harassed repeatedly... it becomes hard to have any sense of peace... meanwhile, does that give MIL the excuse to just destroy your family/marriage and your sense of self? Everyone has different tolerance levels, on how they can cope and handle mental problems like this... if you are at the end of your ability to handle this... your Hubby has to know... he HAS to look after the health/happiness of his wife. You cannot be 'alone' in all this.

MAYBE, if your MIL is coming to visit... could you possibly invite a friend/your Mom to come visit at the same time??? That way, you have an 'ally" and someone there who you can commiserate with. I believe you need a shoulder to lean on, when MIL is there.

It's a hard thing... when a Hubby will not help.

I don't have any answers, but I really feel for you...
take care,
Susan

Hi E M,

First, you have my heartfelt understanding on the whole situation. ANd yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I always come back to the statement by Dr. Phil: "We teach people how to treat us."

In other words, what we do and say to stand up for ourselves, defend our children, set and maintain our boundaries, etc., is "teaching" the people around us what is and is not ok. This includes your MIL, your husband--even your children.

Be polite, but be firm.
Tell your husband it is not a good time; ask him to back you up.
Do not let her talk disparagingly about anyone in front of your childre. Call her on it (in a nice way) on the spot. It's more important for your children's character to hear their mother state what is or is not correct verbal behavior, rather than "let it go to keep the peace." The latter simply says to your children, "It's ok to talk mean and nasty about people--even tell lies--we just let it go when we hear it.

It's not ok. And I would imagine that you dont' think so either, which is why you wrote on here in the first place.
So please don't feel that you have to sacrifice the budding moral character of your precious children for the sake of not offending your MIL or your husband.

Sounds like you and hubby may need to have a chat about proper protocol around these issues, i.e., what's really important for your children's well-being.

I've written it several times before on Mamasource, but it's good for all of us to be reminded that everything we do and say role-models to our children how things should be done. Children are powerful sponges and pick up on everything. This includes the hostility between other family members. It makes them uncomfortable and unsettled.

Forget the "niceties" advice. It accomplishes little except avoiding the issue. Instead, be nice in the way you set your boundaries and stick to them. "MIL, I realize you would like to come in two weeks. It's just not a good time. Thanks so much for offering, and I will let you know when the timing is better for us."

And...

"DH, I am really feeling stressed out about this situation with MIL, and I am sincerely asking for your support. I would like you to back me up and ask your mother not to come in two weeks, and to echo that we will let her know when it is a good time."

Now, as to a good time in the future, there may never be one. So since MIL is going to be around for a while (i.e., living) you can best help yourself by being prepared to handle her verbal indiscretions. Rehearse ahead of time what you will say when she says something mean, for example, "MIL, in our house, we have a golden rule. If you can't say something nice about somebody, we don't say anything at all, right kids?" Say it out loud, in her presence, and in the presence of your kids. Repeat it if necessary. If required, go into further detail so your kids are not confused by two conflicting authority figures, e.g., "Kids, everybody is free to choose how they speak, and how they speak about others. Grandma doesn't necessarily follow the same Golden Rules that we do. And that's her choice. But in our house, we follow our Golden Rules."

It's pretty simple. No confrontation necessary. Of course she will fight and become dramatic. Just stand your ground in a nice way....firm, polite, loving. Remember, you are role-modeling to your kids how to handle an uncomfortable situation. If you say NOTHING, your kids will learn to stuff their feelings and say NOTHING when it counts most.

Do your kids the most precious favor you can: Teach them how to handle life's unpleasant tasks so that when it comes time for them to do it, it's pretty straightforward for them and doens't cause a panic attack!

I wish you all the best. It's not easy, but it is do-able. ANd you have all the power and right to do it, if you want to.

been there! my mil is in her 80's and quite a bit of what comes out of her mouth is negative. not to mention the generational racism that drives me nuts!! i have learned that when she starts on the path towards her negativity etc i politely change the subject to avoid any issues, this doesn't always work though. my fil and hubby have stepped in on several occasions to curb this. but she is set in her ways and at 81 is not going to change so i have changed how i take what she says. I can't change her but I can change how she affects me! It is hard but I try to let what she says go in one ear and out the other. I do a lot of 'smile and nod' too. I am not in a situation that I can tell her that what she says upsets me or I don't like it (trust me on this, it will only encourage my mil), but I hope your situation is better than mine and you can discuss this with her. I agree with the other posters that hubby needs to step up and let his mom know that you are his wife and in his house gossip and negativity will not be tolerated and he expects her to respect you as you respect her. Good luck!

Oh man, I feel for you. I would say that you need to stand up for yourself and tell her that NO!!! she is not coming, that it is your house and YOU will let her know when she is welcome to visit, that she doesn't make the rules. If she shows up, turn her away. Sounds like she is rather controlling. Does your husband think that she is wacky too?? Being that he is the man of the house my opinion is that he needs to get involved especially since it is his mom. Ignoring the situation will not make it go away. Also, if he says nothing then his mom is allowed to think that only you have an issue with what is going on. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I know that we all pray for good in laws but we sure don't all get them. Sounds as though she is a bully and until she knows that you are 100% serious she will keep pushing your buttons. I hope that you figure this out and send you many happy thoughts!

While I think it would be best if you husband dealt with his mother, that may not be an option if he won't step up. She is your husband's mother and your kid’s grandmother; therefore, you are unlikely in the future to avoid her altogether. You might as well face her now, but on new terms. Forgive her if you can, but never trust her again. Bullies have to be kept at arms length. Keep every bit of your personal information from her. Always be polite, always answer her questions, and give her as little information as possible. Everything you say to her should be positive with no substance. Confronting and being real is always the best option for having a genuine relationship with someone. But this woman is a liar, a betrayer, a bully and a teller of tails. You'd have a huge if not impossible task ahead of yourself trying to change her, especially if you don't have any back up. Let her come to your house to see your children and husband, but keep yourself protected and separate as much as you can with out any overt rudeness’. This woman has set the tone of your relationship. You deserve protection from her. Take care of yourself.

Okay, my first question is where is your husband in all this? Has he done anything about her behavior? Have you talked to him about it and asked him to address the issue?

If you need space to heal and begin to forgive for whatever it was that happened, I think that's natural and understandable. But, you may need your husband to intervene and talk to his Mom.

I wouldn't lash out at her. Very often people, who thrive on conflict, and it sounds like she might be one of those, enjoy having others react. Let it be, and sit down and calmly work on a game plan with your husband on how to best deal with it. This is his mother and he should have better insight on how to approach her in this kind of situation.

Just remember, that no matter how you feel, she is your kids grandma and finding a way to work together is important to your family. My Mom never like my paternal Grandma but, my sister and I had no idea until we were adults and their issues came to light after my Grandpa passed away.

Good Luck!

The problem is not just with your MIL - but your husband. He needs to get involved. This is not your problem,alone. What does he believe? And whatever that is, he needs to talk to his Mom on your be-half. Don't let him get away with "staying nuteral" - if he wasn't in your ife...she wouldn't be- so this is HIS problem! Put it where it belongs. HIM

YES time for HUBBY to step in-believe me I have BEEN there!

Ur hobby should be staying out the situation and be dealing with his mom instead of u. My hubby did the same for a while and his mom got worse she needs to be put in her place but not by u. Goodluck to u.

Hi, E M
With family like this Who needs enemies?I had the misfortune of suffering my MIL for 32 years until last year she turned 80. Her daughters threw a big party. and as I live next door to her I declined the invitaion. She send me at least five family members, one by one to try and coax me to attend. To each one I told them all the food served in that family menu always made me sick. Her hours made me sick. Some family members made me sick. The noise made me sick from where I stood. And I have had enough of seeing her and making me sick allready. I told the family " If I attend I have the feeling I will throw up all over, so it will be best for the both of us her and I, if I do not go. I sent the message there,adding; I have to start loving myself a little and because before,I never cared for me, I have had it.I celebrated her birthday, by not attending. And I dont know about Her, but For the first time in my life I felt satisfied and in peace.( She was upset because she could not hurt me anymore and she moved away with one of her daughters). IF A THORN PRICKS YOU, TAKE IT OUT! AND wHEN SHE COMES TO YOUR DOOR, DO NOT OPEN IT.TELL HER, WHEN YOU ARE READY, YOU MAY INVITE HER TO YOUR HOUSE. take your time to be ready, it may require a long time. Right now... you may be better off without her coming and messing your peace.If she insists in comming and kicking the door trying to come in...call the police and have her removed from your place. she shows no mercy to you, she deserves none. If she does not respect you, how can SHE EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME?
LOVE YOURSELF A LITTLE. onE MORE THING ...YOU KNOW WHEN SHE PLANS TO VISIT. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HOME THAT DAY. GO VISIT YOUR OWN MOTHER OR ANY OF YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS, JUST NOT BE THERE.

Hi, my MIL is no where that bad (she is not toxic) but she has "issues". Her issues are primarily that she pushes my husband's buttons big time. She is pretty narcisstic and infantile (expects to be taken care of for every little thing, doesn't lend a hand, understand the little kids, etc...) and has been like that since he was a little kid. Here is just one story: she refused to cook dinners when he was little (women's lib) and at age 11, he lost hair due to malnutrition!

She now visits for the kids birthdays (twice a year) and my husband dreads it. (My daughter and DH share a birthday. You can imagine his dread of his own birthday now.) If she comes with her sister, she stays at a hotel, because her sister can drive, is more independent etc.

I have a point (LOL) and it is my husband DOES NOT hide from her. He's the one who is the buffer if things get bad between her and me (rare, but it happens) and he would have NO PROBLEM standing up to her (he does it all the time). She purposely picks fights with him (she starts conversations about politics and if they disagree, she usually ends up raising her voice) and he has to calmly tell her to quit it.

Your husband needs to defend his home. When people undergo stress, their immune system goes down and they are more susceptible to illness. You might end up with a bad cold or a flu after she leaves. And who will be taking care of the kids? (Who might catch it from you.) Your husband. Tell him that.

He needs to call her and say, "sorry, this is not a good time for you to visit."

She "I AM coming."

Him (and he has to mean it), "If you come, you are staying at a hotel and we are not letting you inside the house mom."

She (tries to cry for sympathy and argue with him)

Him - he has to stay firm and not fall for it. He has to be the Lion at the Door.

This to me isn't even about you wanting to lash back. To me this is more about you maintaining your emotional equilibrium and sanity if she invades (I mean visits) your home.

Really, who wants an invader in their home? Not me. You are not a bad person for wanting this.

(My MIL came for a recent visit. I wasn't the best hostess. I didn't pay much attention to her. That's the way I preserved my sanity. And it wasn't the best timing, my mind was so preoccupied with all the stuff going on and I felt like it was an intrusion instead of a welcomed thing. Normally I LOVE visitors. DH actively ignored her for his sanity. He couldn't tell her not to come - there was no real reason not to - like you have. She has irritated me in the past, but this time my mouth was on the floor at how she is. My DH joked it took me 14 years to finally "get it." My own SIL who lives in the same town as she says that if she had to stay in her house for a week, she would lose her mind. I know all this sounds awful, but you have to experience it to understand it. )

OH MY! I don't think you can beat my TOXIC MIL, but I know where you are. I posted some things months back on how to deal w/MIL. In fact I am dealing with some things now-except my HUBBY does not have the backbone to stand up to his mom, but I do.I have to deal with I am the person who causes everything. I have no real advice except don't be afraid to stand up for yourself to her I learned this when she came and attacked me verbally and emotionally a month after I gave birth and had PPD that was my last straw and you do not have to like her or forgive her-you married her son-not her. Believe me I feel for you.I did not read your responses, but will do so maybe Ican find something that works, but for now stand up for yourself. L.:)

i have a crazy mil too! shes accused me of everything under the sun (like neglecting my daughter, cheeting on my hubby, and making him do too much (ie spending time with his daughter and doing the midnight feedings on his days off!)). i would say that to keep the peace for the time say she can come over a certain day for a certain amount of time. remind her that your still angry with what she has said and that you dont wish to spend time with her after this day. let your husband know that he can see her as much as he wants but you will not go.
i have had to be like that with my mil because she wanted to control over what happened with my daughter. she tried to tell me that i couldnt take my daughter places (my friends houses for play dates) because she didnt like the area they lived in. she tries to tell me what i should do with her and what i shouldnt expose her too. i finally put my foot down and said you know what IM her MOTHER not you! so shut your mouth and respect your boundaries as a grandparent! if you dont you wont see her much at all. my husband and i lived with them at the time. i actually took my daughter and moved for 8 months. my husband stayed with his parents. he saw our daughter everyday his parents saw her about once a month. they didnt like it but they had no say in what went on. my husband doesnt have a back bone to stand up to his mom much he tries just to ignore her. me on the other hand i dont care ill tell her straight up if i dont like something she does with my daughter. they get mad because im very strict about what my daughter eats and i dont encourage eating an hour before dinner or constantly letting my daughter walk around with a cup (when shes thirsty and needs more she brings it to me). when my mil verbally attacked me when my daughter was a few months old saying that i neglect her (when i was the only one taking care of her my hubby hardly touched her) and that i must be having an affair because i have male friends (that my husband knows) i hang out with. she said i neglect my daughter because i would stay a couple nights at my friends house (with my daughter mind you) to help her take care of her newborn twins. my daughter to this day is bathed everyday hair done is in clean nice clothes. she is far from neglected. all this time his mom is carring on my husband just sits there and ignores it like hes not there. which is a BIG mistake because then i yell at him for not backing his wife! i tell him hes married not he dont answer to mama anymore!
your husband needs to be involved because its HIS mother. im sure if it was the other way around he would want you involved. talk to your husband and make an agreemeant on what to do when she comes. bottom line if you dont want her in your home then she doesnt come in your home your hubby can go elsewhere. good luck!

In my opinion, your husband shouldn't be staying out of this. The rule for me and my husband is that we each deal with our own family-of-origin. When I had problems with my MIL and wasn't willing to let her stay at my house, my husband was the one to tell her that she wasn't welcome to stay with us because of how she treated me.

I think you and your husband need to talk and get on the same page. Even if you are the one telling your MIL not to visit, you need to have your husband understand and agree with where you're coming from. Otherwise, no matter what you do it will be wrong.

We all know that you can't choose your relatives, all you can do is try to deal with them. It can be a huge pain in the butt. We all feel for you!

It sounds like your MIL is one of those people who always has to stir things up, who always has to have some huge drama in her life, and it sounds like it's very important to you to be factual and peacekeeping. You two will never, ever see eye to eye. It's nobody's fault; you're just incompatible personalities.

For the sake of your husband (who's probably exhausted by just thinking about all this conflict) and your kids (who deserve to decide what kind of feelings they have about Grandma without worrying about adult issues), ignore as much of her craziness as you can. Just let it roll off of you. Set clear boundaries and don't apologize, but be very, very sweet if you have to say something like, "I'm sorry, that time doesn't work for us. How about next summer?" DO NOT let her get you angry enough to respond in anger. It just feeds the negative behavior. SHE WANTS DRAMA, and arguing and conflict is drama.

It's SO HARD sometimes, but my husband and I also agree not to speak badly (or in anger) about any of our relatives in front of the kids, at least while they're little. It's OK to acknowledge that something was inappropriate or hurtful IF IT WAS DIRECTED AT THE KIDS (NOT YOU or other adults) only if you can keep all your emotion out of it, so it becomes a factual statement instead of a value judgement.

Good luck! :) And best wishes for baby #3.

Hi E,
I totally understand how you feel. I too, myself went through the same thing with my mother in law. It didn't matter what I say. She would try and top me and kept reminding me that my husband is her baby...I didn't want to step over boundaries by choosing between her and my husband but I finally put my foot down and told my husband straight out after two years of putting up with it, and told my husband that his mother will have to learn to cut the cord and accept the fact that he is a grown man, married, has a wife and kids, and she will have to learn to stay in her lane. She used to remind me of my step children being her grandchildren. I just didn't know where I'm supposed to stand and fit in. Worried it might cause tension with my marriage, I did just that and took whatever risk that will come after. I guess God was on my side. Surprisingly, my husband put her at her position. Sadly, she called his command and constantly complaining about her that it caused problems with him at work with his boss. This angered him that he stopped talking to her. Well, feeling bad, I talked to my husband telling him, what's between me and his mother is between me and her but he will continue to treat her with respect and continue to communicate with her for she is still his mother. My husband told me, "she disrespect you like that, she disrespect me too. We are one and if she does not learn to accept you as part of my life, then I will not accept her calls until she accepts that." I was the most relieved but feeling bad at the same time because I was not raised to disrespect an elder or parent...

After two whole years, my husband handed me a card. It was mail addressed to me from my mother in law. She was offering her sincere apology, and finally realized that my step children I had worked so hard to raised as my own after their own mother ran away with another man after twelve years of marriage to my husband, and without her support to care for them, my mother in law didn't think that my step children will ever draw so close to me. Indeep they were and called me mom from day one...My mother in law finally saw that and realized that I after all have been a much better mother to her grandchildren than her ex daughter in law...lol...

I called her immediately, we spoke, understood each other, and even paid for her ticket to come to Hawaii for a vacation. We grew so close to each other that up to her last week on earth, I was right at her bed side. I never stopped writing to her every week. Something she never experienced. I sent her gifts at every special occassion, she never experienced that too. So by the time she passed away, my husband and I were into our 15th year marriage...

Mama acted the way she did after seeing her son down to rock bottom after twelve years of marriage to his former wife, she robbed him dry even when he gave her everything she could ever ask for to make her happy. She just wanted more...I came into the picture a year later, where my husband and I met at my work place where he came in to look for a part time job...I never blamed Mama for the way she handled the situation, I was just frustrated for not allowing me to be incharge in my own area, my family, and support me and give me that chance to do what I am chose to do respect my space...We became the best of friends in the end. I

I think if you sit down with your husband and ask for his support and understanding to talk to his mother into respecting you as his wife, a part of you, and that you have a place and position in your household, that she will have to grant you that space. It's hard for her to come to that acceptance as I understand some parents out there who refuse to let go or told something else against their will, but if your husband who holds the key to the solution between you and your mother in law, I say your mother in law will step back because of your husband. Now granted that there are parents out there too that when their grown children respectfully talk to them hoping for an understanding, they take the wrong way and suddenly don't come around because they are mad...either way, prepare yourself for whatever outcome but your husband is the key person to either give you that relief, or the side person while you are going through this alone and it's not fair for you, for her, for your huband and definitely the kids...talk to your husband. Ask for his support, and be on your side because you are his wife, to talk to his mother so she can be acceptance of your role and her role....Good luck...

I don't have a solution to your problem with your MIL, but if you are having trouble resolving it yourself, it is your husband's responsibility to help. I'm not saying he should blindly take anyone's side, though it sounds as if you are in the right, but he cannot "stay out of this" and expect peace or for it to resolve itself. His household is hurting and he should be doing something about it.

You are a saint if you let her stay with you in two weeks. Personally, I would plan a trip & not be home when she arrives. There will be plenty more opportunities for her to make you miserable in the future, maybe just this once, you give yourself a little break and claim your power to make choices for yourself and your family. Bon voyage!

Dear EM,
First of all you must evaluate if her being there will affect your children in a negative way, like her being rude to you in front of them and being disrespectful to you. If you think that she might behave this way in front of your kids then you need to get your husband involved to keep her away for the time being. There is no way she should come into your home and be disrespectful! Also, it is your home and no one can just tell you they are coming no matter what you think! She is being a little silly and your hubby needs to get involved. Good luck!

I'm sorry for your frustration. My advise is to let her come and you leave with your kids for the time she's there. She can visit with your husband. Unfortunately, and easy for me to say, you husband cannot just stay out of it. It is not your responsibility to have a relationship with his mother. If he chooses to stay out of the fight - let him. But, you don't have to be around her when you are bullied. I'm currently being bullied by a previous employer (we share an office) and it's tough.

As far as leaving when she's there, you'll have to fight the reaction that she's pushing you out of your space and the feelings like you're loosing control over the situation. But it seems like she's "taking" complete control and she's getting the best of you.

My theory with anger, for example, is to avoid those things that make me angry. I don't help my son with his longer writing assignments, because I know we won't get throught it. I think this is a healthy approach. Make your stand. You will be letting both her and your husband know you have an issue.

(sorry for the length)

Hold your ground on things you want. It's your home and your kids and you only have one chance to raise them. A lady told me this on mamasource and its so true. Its important you put all your time into YOUR family. Set rules and stick to them. If she asks or says things you don't like give her one answer and keep repeating it over and over. I don't know if your a Christian if you are and she starts to gossip or say bad things tell her you want to pray about it and stop everything right at that time and start praying out loud for God to help the people or what ever is being said pray for God's peace and help in these things she is gossiping about. I know this stopped a lady that was doing this to me. She doesn't try to gossip with me anymore. I have to go now. I hope things get better for you.
Susie

If your husband won't tell her "no" then both he and his mother can stay in a hotel. Make sure you follow through.

Hi E M You know Gossip is very damging, and when it is within a family, it's worse. In the future if she says something about another family member, just loveing tell her that you don't want to be a part of any gossip, by listening to her, it caused you to go to other family members, and envolve them. Your husband is right about staying out of this at this time. I would not make her wait for your forgiveness, and keep her from her grandkids, but make sure she undersatnds, that she is welcome in your home, but the gossip is not. I was recently envolved in some untrue gossip, that someone very special to me listened to, and It almost destroyed the relationship, I didn't handle things the way i should have. Everything is OK now, I don't socialize with the gossiper, but I have forgiven her. J. L.

I have to agree with several others on here your husband needs to get involved at this point. He needs to support you. This is your families home not the MIL.

I have some challenges with my MIL and when it gets to be too much my husband offers to speak up/get involved.

Best of luck to you!

Honestly, this is not your problem. It's your husbands. He DOES need to get involved. It's HIS mother, not yours. A very wise person gave me advice some years ago and said your parents are your parents you deal with them. And your husbands parents are his, let him deal with them. It's been working MUCH, MUCH better this way. I do NOT except my hubby to EVER deal with my parental unit problems. Also, my husband is NOT afraid to tell his parents how things are where I was more timid with them. Things just kept getting worse (I too have a nutty MIL so I feel you on this big time!!!). Once he took over what I consider "his job" again things have calmed downed quite drastically. Some of these MIL's like to cause trouble because they are no longer the main person in their child's life. If your hubby doesn't step up to bat and deal with this them tell him your going to stay somewhere else (with your kids if you have any) while she's in town. Maybe he'll then figure out how serious this is. There is no way I could tolerate my MIL in my home when she's on one of her tyraids. Best of luck to you. Please update us. I'd love to hear how things go.

EM

I feel for you, I had my ex's grandmother living in our home. I got to the point where I had to throw her out. If you let your MIL push you around again, she will never get the point. Hold your ground, if she shows up, tell her to leave. Put her emails in your spam folder or just don't open them. It is important to stand your ground, be sure your husband stands behind you as your MIL will begin to see she has to live her life, and not interfere in yours. Good LUck

I understand why your husband does not want to get involved in the situation, but when it comes to her wanting to visit and if she's not welcome, he needs to step up and tell her she is not welcome right now! He can't expect you to battle her on your own, after all it's HIS mother, LOL. Goodluck!

REALLY! Are our husbands related? Unreal!

Not the exact circumstances, but many similar reactions.

I must start out with my first thoughts to reading your post is that perhaps the victims would rather not discuss it.

So, what happened in my ever so similar situation is my MIL would go off on me and scream at me and let me know exactly what she thought. I would be in shock because you would think I cheated on her son, spent all the money, or was doing drugs and someone had to straighten my little @$$ out...none the case.

She would tell my husband and I would inquire and then we would fight (ill motive worked). So, I would ask if she mentioned what she said to me and after a moment of silence, he would say he didn't want to be involved. Well, she increasingly called and interfered and sent me up the creek with their whole family (including the step mom) so, I had to figure out how to intercept this. I first quietly handed the phone to my husband while she was screaming at me and he interrupted her and said hello...then, "I don't know she just handed me the phone". Well the next time, I decided we should both hear what she said, so I put the phone on speaker. After a few moments of a different sound on the phone, she would start saying hello hello and I told her I was there and to keep going. It wasn't long before the mess stopped and she doesn't call so often.

It is all unfortunate because I really thought my daughter would bond with her, but it never happened. I promised my husband I would never purposely interfere in their relationship, however, she has crossed the line and I would not want her in the house while I am alone. I apologized, realizing this was his mother, but I stated my case and dropped it. It has never been brought up again. I will ask how she is doing, but not much more than that.

I don't understand it, but I guess I am not there yet. For one thing, I have girls and neither married to a strange outsider with values that could never be understood.

BTW...we are also at 12 years...very close to your timeline.

Being a mother-in=law is very hard, but you seem to not able to keep your distance while being superficial "nice".

This is your husband's mother so he should handle her. Good luck.

I had a wonderful mother = in = law who never gave one word than wasn't lovely and praising. I was lucky. I miss her.
B. v. O.

E M,

If she doesn't give you the space then learn how to deal with it immediately b/c once you let her walk all over you, she'll always try to do it.

Also, be careful b/c she'll always be your MIL. Keep your distance if you need to.

Also, stand your ground but carefully. When she does visit, confront her calmly about the situation. But make sure you have a 3rd person around to hear what is said. Keep the kids and your husband out of it to make sure he doesn't have to pick sides.

Clear the air... and know that you have to be careful with her... learn from this experience and take what she says with a grain of salt.

Good luck those MILs are a B to deal with sometimes....

Also, make her be respectful to you b/c this is your home and also be respectful back...

C. B.

You are 100% correct in what you are doing and it is your husband's job to stick up for you and tell your MOm to stay home. I don't give a rat's a$$ if that is him Mom. You are his wife and he needs to stand by you. The fact that she is saying she is coming anyway, would make me so mad. Tell her that if she steps foot on your doorstep, you will call the police. Also, tell her that as long as she keeps up with her antics, you will never be able to forgive her. You could also tell her she needs to go to therapy and be on medication becfore she sees your family. Just because she is grandma, does not mean she has the right to push her way in.

I don't know if you are Christian or not, but either way I think this may be very helpful - it's the sermon my pastor preached a few weeks ago, about forgiveness. It really opened my eyes, and I hope it can help you too :)
Best of luck to you :)
http://old.enewhope.org/sermon/notes.php?action=view&...

I just don't understand these MIL's that leave their families then think they can even offer a shred of advice to others! I am in the same situation but I never married the guy thankfully! The first 4 kids she left (2-9 yrs) adore her even though she lies and is obviously a nut case! She also makes up things, such as faking chest pains or molestations. Excuses all sorts of bad behavior on her son's part as he can do no wrong! I think you are handling her with eyes that are wide open and doing a great job. I don't have advice as I just let minimal contact happen with her but would love to hear your updates so I can see how things played out. I am always willing to learn!

and I do think I "get" why these men don't stick up to their moms.. they are afraid of additional rejection. I can somewhat understand that but am constantly wishing he would just say the things to her than he can say to me about her!

You do have a big problem. A toxic person in your life is a toxic person whether or not they are related.
Your husband has had to deal with his mother and knows she is a problem, that is why he is staying out of it. He just doesn't want the stress and problems with her.
That means only one thing. you have to stand up to her.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with such an MIL? That is what will happen and is it good for your kids or you and your husband or is she just plain toxic and a bad influence. Get her out of your life until she becomes nice................You owe it to your family. Don't feel guilty because she is family. Not nice is not nice, period. Good luck with getting a back bone and setting boundaries with her.

She can't come to visit if you don't let her in. Respond to her e-mail and let her know that while you would enjoy a visit from her in the future, now is NOT a good time. Let her know that you will extend an invitation when the timing is right. Your husband is probably staying out of this because he knows how she is and doesn't want to deal with it.

Basically, do what you can to keep your peace of mind. 1) E-mail or call her and let her know that while you enjoy visiting her, the timing is not right. Let her know that you will extend an invitation when the timing is right. (Talk with your husband before doing this so you can be on the same page.)

2) Mail her pictures and cards of the grandchildren. Let them have a close relationship in this way, but don't let her have physical contact with them unsupervised if she is verbally abusive to anyone.

3) Don't confide anything to her that you would not want others to know. Keep your comments to her on a superficial level so she can't use them against you.

4) Continue to be pleasant to her and everyone in your family...cordial, but remember #3. Talk about current events, the weather, etc. but not about you personally.

5) Set boundaries for interactions with her. Pray about your situation.

Hope this helps,
J.

If she insists on coming and your husband doesn't want to back you up, I think you should go for a well deserved spa weekend or go visit a friend or relative that weekend. At some point you'll have to deal with her because she is your kids' grandma, but until you're ready, I'd stay away from her. When you are ready, I like Dana M.'s advice - I think it's 5th from the bottom. My MIL is a little nutty and lives about 10 minutes away. Be glad yours doesn't live nearby! Good luck!

You have handled everything extremely gracefully! Unfortunately at this point it is time for hubby to get involved. He needs to back you up. You have asked for space in your home and it is up to him to let her know she is not invited at this time. I do hope he backs you up.

Having had a nut job for a mother in law I offer a couple pieces of advice. Find out if there is something wrong with her before you make a final decision and don't get too involved with the hands on arguing with her, no on will be able to tell who is the fool.

Get the son/husband involved and get his mom's health evaluated. After she gets a clean bill of health you can know you are ok to deny her.

Hi E M Your problem is with your husband, he is a chicken for not sticking up for you and saying, Mom we can book a nice room for you at the nearest motel, but this trip we are not able to have you stay here. She is a bully and you will not be able to "win" maybe you should go and see your parents or a friend when she's booked to come and take the kids. Your sweet husband probably can't stand her either and has ignored her for many years. go see your folks, your free to do that I'm sure.
forget the gossip, it's not worth your energy. good luck, D.

HI E M,

This sounds like a very stressful situation. I would recommend having a heart to heart with your husband. He needs to understand and support you in this. Let him know how you are feeling and ask what he thinks the best solution would be. Maybe he calls his mother and tells her that she is not invited just yet. Maybe he sends you on a spa weekend while she visits.

Communication is always the key. You can get through this one.
Take care,
G.

I like what the woman said about listening to the forgiveness sermon. However, let her come for a visit but tell her she will have to get a hotel room to stay. Just because she is your MIL doesn't mean that she gets to stay in your home. This is your home. You are incontrol of it, not her. You may invite her for dinner or an outing but keep it simple. I'm sure she is great with your kids because she is the grandmother. You are in charge of your house, not her. Oh, your MIL is the problem. Not you or your husband. Don't turn it into a problem either. I mean with your husband. Husband's sometimes don't see it or want to react to it. So, just make the decision that she can stay elsewhere. Keep it simple. You don't need drama.

I would tell her that you are still very hurt & upset with her of what happened. And that you hope she will respect your wishes & not visit so soon especially if she expects to say with you. Tell her all the cute e-mails & such isn't going to help you forgive her sooner. And that it does not help for her to appear to be pushing the whole thing under the rug. If you let her push you into this. Who knows what she will try next. Let her know her boundries. And don't let her push you into something you are not ready for. Make it clear that you are not trying to keep her from her son or grand children. let her know that this kind of behavior will never be ok! She sounds like she just like to stir things up to get attention. Thanks God I had a wonderful Mother-in-law. Good Luck!

Hi E M,
I am with the last reply: you can't force your husband to back you up. I have been thru all of that, and it will only drive a wedge between the two of you. NOT WORTH IT. I am sure that is one reason why he is staying out of it.
I would go to him with his mom's stance on being a sure thing on her visit. Ask what he would recommend and share your feelings on where you stand and WHY. Men need the why sometimes. They also need to feel validated and in control. Men are logical - and sometimes we need that when we are so emotional.
If he decides that he won't step in, respect that he doesn't want to argue with you (not that he is with his mom, just simply he doesn't want to cause distance between you and him.) Ask him if he would be willing for you to treat yourself to a spa day or something that gets you away that is special for you. Either way - mil visiting or not, you are prepared with a back up plan.
I hope that things get better. Truth always comes out in the end, justice will prevail. I am praying for all of us that are going thru the exact same situation.
Please post an update on what happens - I think we all need guidance in this area!
P.