My Daughter Is a Violent Brat

You've gotten some great advice here...the only thing I would add is that you should work on the problem behaviors before tackling potty training - one challenge at a time.

Beware of referring to her as a "brat" - these things have a way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, so that the more often you identify her and label her in a negative way, the more apt she will be to see herself that way, and the behavior will continue because she believes that is who she is.

I would have her evaluated. Please do not respond by hitting her as one person suggested. There are countless studies that show that hitting does not help.
I'm not in your shoes but am sure you are desperate for answers. I hope you find them soon.

Sounds like my daughter, and the good news is she made it celebrate her 14th birthday in January!! She was kicked out of daycares, the nursery at church wouldn't let her in, it was horrible. I started taking her in to see therapists at 3 - I just knew something was wrong with her. It wasn't until she was 10 she was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. At the end of the day, she couldn't handle change - so my be doing all these things with her, it was actually freaking her out due to no routine - I'm by nature very spontaneous and would just decide to do whatever on the spot - didn't work so well for her. If you feel or have a hunch somethings just not quite right, it probably isn't . Something that worked well for a few years was "Raising your spirited child". I'd say that worked from 3-5 and then she kind of outgrew the book and I was back to square one.

Wow, you have your hands full, now this might not be the proffessional thing to do or what kind of advice you would get from a proffessional, but you know when kids bite they say to bite them back and they will stop biting, I wander if you clonk her like she does her brother or other kids it would make her stop? Just an option, if it were be I would bust that butt everytime she did this, I know it seems harsh and people probably won't agree with me, but the bible says "spare the rod, spoil the child", if you don't get this stopped she is just going to get worse. I hope everything works out for you and her! I understand she is still a baby but she will be totally out of control the older she gets. Good luck!

Write a list of House Rules. Post them in the kitchen. Read them with/to her at breakfast, lunch and dinnertime. Institute a CONSISTENT consequence every time she disobeys a rule. Acknowledge when she IS following the rules.
Please don't "swat" her as a last resort.
At 3, consistency is the key. So keep that up. But you must be clear as far as your expectations and that must not change from day to day.

Please don't "give her away" or call her a "violent brat".

Talk to your pediatrician first, and see about getting her assesed. Just because she's smart, doesn't mean there might not be some other issue that needs help. From your description, something is off. It's good that you're seeing that the problem needs to be addressed. Good luck!

I am a daycare provider and have had a few children with similar behaviors. I can completely understand your frustration. I never found anything that seemed to work except consistency and time. She needs to know that there will be consequences every time. She also needs you to help control her environment until she gains some maturity and self control. I found that keeping them close to me at all times is very helpful. I find ways to keep them occupied as my helper. That way they feel important/needed (I want them to feel positive and not like I'm always upset with them) but are also close so I can redirect or stop bad behavior before someone got hurt. It takes a lot of effort on my part, but it prevents a lot of issues. Three can be a very trying age. Before you know it, with constistency and patience, she will be a lot more enjoyable.

Have you spoken with her pediatrician yet about these extreme behaviors? That would seem to be a logical first step. If necessary, they will refer you to a specialist. I don't think these behaviors are "normal" at all, and you certainly sound like you're at your wits end. Your child will pick up on your frustration, and feed into it, so best to get this under control as quickly as possible. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure it's not hitting (or, as one mom posted below, "clonking her like she does her brother"). Violence only breeds more violence. Clearly it's not working anyway, so you need to come up with a Plan B. I suggest making an appointment to have her evaluated as soon as possible. Good Luck.

Most important: Ignore the negative and reward the positive. She should get very little attention when she does something bad, other than being put in her room for a brief time.

Then, anytime she does something good, reward her with lots of praise. I would guess she is getting way too much attention for negative behavior. Kids actually do thrive off of that kind of attention.

Don't overestimate the understanding of a three year old. However, without seeing the dynamic of your home, I think the best thing you can do is start giving her very little attention for negative behavior, just say "no" and then put her in her room for a while.

So many possibilities come to my mind, from sensory processing problems, to parenting and environment, to reactions/sensitivities to foods or chemicals ( see http://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2011/02/we-have-sick-chi... )

Without knowing what the cause is, I would attack it on several fronts at once. Take the child to a pediatrician and an M.D. specializing in Integrative medicine and get a THOROUGH physical evaluation inside and out - hormonal, nutritional, food sensitivities... I would seek family counselling in order for the parenting to not just be evaluated - but it can be very difficult to deal with the behaviors and you can get pointers on how normal parents can deal with abnormal behaviors. I would stop the TV entirely. I would be just the foods given are mostly organic, whole foods, and maybe even do some food eliminations to see if it helps - like with dairy or gluten - but that requires educating yourself about the topic - it is not easy since there are hidden sources - especially in processed foods. I have first-hand experience with children who had "behavior" and "mental" problems and unfortunately were medicated psychiatrically for years only to find out later there were simple things that could have prevented the years of their lives lost to it - things that worked like changing diet! Unbelievable... and the research on that has been around for over 30 years yet the psychiatrists never even mentioned it to us!

I just read and responded to your other post about your son's violent behavior and now I find this one too????

What's up with your family violence and allowing such rude and unbridled and screaming behavior? Where are they learning this from? Do you, the parents, interract this way? Does your husband yell and scream at you all? If not, do you react quickly and without control in front of them?

You all need to learn some how to live with respect towards one another. And how to communicate your frustrations in a non-threatening environment.

I would recommend you all watch the video and read the book MAGIC 1-2-3. It will teach you the mom a simple technique in how to turn this behavior around.

Best of luck!

wow I feel bad....but I fell bad for you both! I'm sure she picks up on your frustartiation and feelings towards her....maybe you need a week off being a mommy and let her stay with a relative and see if the time away givs you new perspective...maybe when ypu're taking a much needed mommy vaca you can schedule the appointments others reccomended....btw that was the same time frame my duaghter and all her friends went "crazy" riight around 3...we always said we didn't understand the phrase terrible 2's and that 3's were soooo much worse!!! Did she start something new like school, new teacher, new relative...I also agree that hitting makes it worse....btw shes going to be an awesome spirited kid and adult...if you guys make it through all in good mental health=)

I agree she should be checked out. Is this new behavior or has she been difficult her whole life? Especially if it is new get her checked out physically, and by an expert. My nephew had a weird virus that had to be detected by a neurologist. Antibiotics cured his "fits" of hysterical behavior. The virus came back a second year and his Mom picked up on the behavior quickly nipping it in the butt again with a trip back to the doc.

Don't assume she is just difficult, and if she is difficult, why? She can be a genius but still have learning issues and be frustrated causing bad behavior.

Get her physically checked out to your satisfaction, then check for learning issues. In the mean time consider buying the "Love and Logic" books and following their parenting techniques.

Good Luck. Who knows...... maybe your daughter is just a genius and feels stuck in a 3 year old body. She may just may be the first woman President and when she in inaugurated you can tell the press how "difficult" she was as a child.

I would say you should talk to your pediatrician and seek professional help now, especially if she's exhibiting the same behavior at daycare. Usually they act up with mom and dad, and are angels for other people. The part about her hitting her brother over the head with a flashlight to hear him scream is especially worrisome. The earlier you intervene and get help for her, the better.

Will your insurance pay for a neuro-phych consultation? Dr. Sharon Johnson out of Glenview is really good. She specializes in children this age. Good luck!

Get profressional help and don't stop until you are 100% satisfied. Research and ask a lot of questions. Demand the Doctors time and do not let them tell you it is normal. Keep looking until you find a Doctor who will listen and take this seriously.

By any chance is she on Singulair? Singulair turned my little girl in to a very emotional and angry little girl. When we took her off my sweet little girl was back.

Check around your area for a parenting class you could take, something taught by a professional

Allison:

First off I'm sorry you are going through this.

Removing her from the situation is the way to go. At age 3 she should be able to express herself WITHOUT violence.

Once she is removed from the situation - ask her WHY she did that.
Does she WANT to hurt others? if so - WHY? Keep it simple - do NOT overload her with questions - but at 3 she SHOULD be talking and using her words instead of her hands.

You may be consistent with removing her - but are you consistent with punishment as well - when she won't listen, hits her brother, etc. does she have toys or privileges taken away from her? If not - make it consistent - if she can't keep her hands to herself - then she cannot have anything that she can hurt others with.

I would also enroll her in a martial arts class - I know - I know - I know - but even at 3 - the Masters will work with her to instill self-control, etc. try it and see. She may be on the HIGH end of hyperactivity and her brain is going 1000 miles a minute when everyone else's is going 10 miles a minute.

I would DEFINITELY call my pediatrician TODAY to set up an appointment ASAP to have her evaluated.