I have a really hard time in my marriage and I am not sure how should I handle it. I am 30, married for 9 years with a 4 yo old boy. I have so many issues in my marriage that I don't know where to start. I work full time and so does my husband. He likes to gamble and usually spends money carelessly so we are facing financial difficulties. I don't know how much money he spends on gambling he says it's not much, all I know is that we have zero money put aside after 7 years of working. He always had a bad temper and started arguing for every little thing. He was my first love, I moved in with him when I was only 21. We both made mistakes, i know it. We fought a lot, we argued a lot, but then i thought that things will get better after we have kids. Well, things have changed but for the worse. He has started to treat me bad, gets mad for every little thing, calls me names, curses at me. He even spits me, pushes me, breaks objects....When i try to talk to him about our marriage he blames me for everything. I don't cook, clean enough, i yell at him, i don't get intimate with him. I ask him how should i take his hurtful words, what can I do when he is threatening me with his fist. Yes, I yell to, maybe sometimes I call him crazy or idiot. But I just can't take it any more. I told him so many times that I want us to work, but he has to change. He always gets mad when I ask him to change. In his opinion he is a good husband and so what he yells at me, i can choose not to listen to him. He wants me to support him in everything, be there for him, take all his tantrums with calm and be happy without a single proof of love or appreciation from him. I think he wants a robot. I told him i cannot be like this, i am a human being with needs and dreams and hopes like anyone else. He says that i should stop with all this drama, be happy to have him when there are so many single women out there, younger, prettier and of course much more obedient than me. Each time he sees me crying or nervous he asks me if I took my pills. I had depression last year for which i was treated with zoloft. He even tells me my son does not love me. When I asked him how can he say that he said "bec you're fighting with his dad". I don't know what to do. I threatened divorce but he says that he cannot wait to be single again. Nothing works! I am at my witts end and i really don't know what i can do. I am numb inside, i feel hopeless and lonely. I want my marriage to work, you see for me the most important thing in life is family. My girl friends are all getting married now, starting families. I rushed into this and I was wrong. I should have waited to be fully grown-up before marry. But things are what they are and could really use some words of wisdom now.Thank you!
i'm not hearing one single thing that makes this a viable proposition. you can want it to the moon and back, but if he 'can't wait to be single again' and is really doing all the things you list here, what would you be staying for?
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.
Take your son and get the hell out of there, and do it yesterday. If he can't wait to be single again, let him.
He sounds like an addict. It is very common for those dealing with addictions to feel a need to justify their behavior by pointing out other people's flaws - even very minor ones.
My husband is an addict. He hasn't had a drink in 26 years, but he's still an addict. He's actually at a meeting right now. Sometimes after we argue, he will recognize some of his behaviors as ones that are common with addictions and talk to me about his struggles. It doesn't make it ok, but it does help to understand that part of our argument was less about me and more about his inner daemons.
It sounds like your husband is addicted to gambling. It would be great if he would go to a Gambler's Annonomous meeting. But that is something he must recognize. You can suggest it, but he needs to go willingly.
You, on the other hand, need to go to an Alonon meeting. They're not just for the families of alcoholics. They're for the families and friends of addicts.
Go to a meeting. Talk to others who deal with this. Find some support, and you will know what you need to do next.
He is being physically and verbally abusive, L.. Get your son and get out of there now. Separate your finances immediately. You threatened divorce-- go through with it.
Words of wisdom-- if he's telling your son doesn't love you, he's already pretty determined to undermine and destroy you emotionally. He's sick. You need to get your son away from this, even if you can't find it in yourself to leave for *you*,otherwise it's only going to escalate and he'll start doing this to your son when they begin to start having big conflict during adolescence, if not sooner.
If your son sees you staying no matter how badly you are being treated, he will think that this is normal. That would be he worst possible outcome, because he'll be both victimized AND set up to repeat that cycle with a SO in his own life. Get out of there.
You say you want your marriage to work-- it is broken, L.. Your husband is unwilling to do the work of repairing it. For something to work, ALL of the parts need to be functional and willing to work together. It's shattered beyond repair. Stop focusing on 'the marriage' (which is in name only, there is no mutual respect or partnership) and focus on what now needs saving-- you and your son. Good luck.
L., he's told you he is excited to be single again. Get rid of him. Walk out with kiddo while he's at work one day and don't go back. Don't try to get counseling because he might go but he'll put on the facade of a good guy who's dealing with a crazy person. He'll act innocent and wonderful to them.
He's using you and treating you worse than a servant in your home.
You do NOT have a marriage you have an abusive husband who will eventually teach his son to treat his own wife like he treats you.
Time to move on, quickly, while you are still young and only have one child. This is not the way to spend your life, and it won't get better. It is very difficult to be a single mom but at least you would have peace. You are already working, so it should not be too hard of a transition for you to have your own life, free of him. You will finally have peace and hopefully you can make a happy life for yourself and your child. If you stay where you are, your child will grow up like his father and you will have wasted your life in unhappiness. Best success. You can do it. Be strong!
I am so sad to hear this.
So what I am hearing:
He tells you your son does not love you. I don't know any 4 yr olds who do not love Mom. This is a red flag that he even says this. What I hear is that, "He ( your husband) does not love himself and and he is playing the blame game.
He does not save money. Therefore, he has a gambling problem. If he was a man, he would have a few thousand set away in case he got laid off. He is the man and should have a nest egg to get you through at least one yr. ---should be tucked away in the bank.
Do you take your pills? He is the one who needs help. Another blame game.
If a husband says that he cannot wait to be single...I am hearing, "I am not capable of seeing my faults and addictions and I am not man enough to work on the marriage.
You MUST go to counseling. Go yourself fist and discuss it w/ a therapist. I, personally, would choose a therapist who is happily married with a kid or two. Then, get his tail in there. Otherwise, he will not change.
Why should he? He doesn't see his issues.
This is dysfunctional--The way he is treating you, the gambling, the no-savings, etc...
My friend of 12 years just found out that her husband (Age 50) is cheating w/ a 35 yr old. He has many of the same blame game issues.
He blames her for everything. Even her 2 sister-in-laws see that their own brother is dysfunctional. They tell her to get his butt in counseling because he has reverted back to being a teen.
Do not keep waiting. Get some theraphy for yourself so you can see that you are not to be blamed.
I hear you about waiting to get married, but, he is in it with you and he has to get out of his dysfunctional role. He needs to hear about this from a therapist. I cannot imagine that you are intimate. If you go to counseling (and over time) things should work out and then, much of the joy you had when you were 21 and 22 should come back...But, this NEEDS intervention !!
If he does not change, you will have the wisdom to pick a guy who loves you truly...and wants to be w/ a life-long partner. Many guys are out there.
So divorce him already!
Talk to a women's shelter and get your escape plan ready, and then DO IT!
It will be hard but raising your child on your own will be a step up from what you have now.
You can call a women's shelter to discuss options.
Your husband may have a gambling addiction, but not all gamblers are abusers. Honestly, it sounds like gambling is about 5th on his list of issues.
He is.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Put your child first and get out.
Call a women's center/shelter. From a phone that he can't see call history.
Be safe.
Good luck.
There is no fixing this seriously dysfunctional relationship. I don't think all the problems necessarily stem from your husband, but this marriage cannot work. You need to get out.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you clearly are in a one sided marriage. You can go to counseling, you can try to talk, or you can look at yourself and realize how special you are and how much you deserve to be treated with love and kindness. He sounds pretty clear if he is saying it will be great to be single. That is of course bravado and he is probably just saying that. But you need to decide you are beautiful and worth being loved. Seriously think about it. Do you want a lifetime of this?
