Judged by How Many Children You Have?

It's sad, but true. My sis is 34 with a 13 year old, a 5 year old, a 4 year old and an 18 month old. They're done now, but my sis gets comments all the time!! Most are in fun, but it is judged. I think that the "standard" for America is 2 kids and a dog so it's "abnormal" to want more than 2. I have 2 and I am happy, but I will have one more. My mom had 5+one adopted and her mom had 6, so I don't see it as so strange. Keep enjoying and taking pride in being a mommy of 4!!

People without kids, generally do not understand what it is and isn't like to have them. It sounds like you could benefit, from friends that do have kids.
I only have and want one child and get "judged." People always tell me it's not fair not to give him a sibling, he will be spoiled, he won't have social skills, etc. People in general will always find a way to judge you. You have to ignore it and find friends who are in similar situations, as you.

If you want more than 2 kids then I say go for it. People are so judgemental about everything these days. Maybe you find friends with kids and you all could hang out with the kids then you all don't have to find sitters. I have friends without kids who still come around. It doesn't matter what you do, you will always be judged for something. I wouldn't worry about what other people think.

Now that I have three children, I am noticing comments. One man said to me, "There all yours?"

I looked around...I couldn't figure out the 'all' part.

I then said, "Yes, I am very lucky!"

He did not say anything after that.

Enjoy your kids...people don't know when to keep their months shut. As long as your kids are happy, healthy and getting an education, no one has a right to say anything.

I think you need new friends! I've got 4 children, come from a family of 6 kids and have 2 friends with 8 each. Four doesn't seem like that many by comparison.

It is easier getting together with other big families, both for moral support and to have lots of kids for everyone to play with. I've rarely felt judged and I'm sorry to hear that you have people talking behind your back because of the size of your family. I hope you can find a couple other moms of many to socialize with and encourage you so you don't feel so alone.

We just had number 4. He's 10 days old, and I get it all the time. My favorite is when my mother is around and people ask if we want more, she really didn't think we needed to have 4. I want at least 1 more if I am able, we had a lot of trouble getting pregnant this last time, but honestly I have no intention of going out of my way to avoid having more than that either. I also love how many people comment on the age gap between my children. Like I'm crazy to be "starting all over" again this late in the game. My oldest is 11 and my youngest before the baby is 8. Honestly I call it responsible, not crazy, i'm only 29, and this is my second marriage, so waiting 8 years so I could get a degree and make sure I was in a lasting relationship and could afford to continue to have more children seemed like a really good idea. After all I could have stayed with my abusive ex husband and kept having kids and living on welfare. Instead I waited and am happily staying at home and homeschooling two of the big kids (which again makes people think I'm crazy).

Just ignore it all, and find people who value children the way that you do, you aren't alone in wanting a large family.

My sister and I both have four and both have been accused of repopulating the world. Or beign told That is what birth control is for.
Sis was hounded by my family, mom and gma, for two years or not having kids then criticized for having four in 6 years.
I have "friends" who speak ill of other families because of the number of children in that family.
As seriously as possibe tell them you are having 19.

Ugh...people really suck, don't they! Seriously, do not even give them another second of your precious time. They are obviously immature and probably jealous.

You know what...if I had to do it all over again I would get married earlier and have a bunch of kids. I thought that I wanted my 'career' and all the fun of my 20's but looking back the much more rewarding life is with my children. I will only have 2 because of my age and would dearly love to have at least one more.

And when I see a mom with four or more kids I am filled with such respect for her! I think it is great and I am sure that many other people do too. IT wouldn't even cross my mind to think anything negative other than-wow I bet she has her hands full!!

I just saw an old friend of a friend last night who has 4 and I did the "I don't know how you do it" statement. Now I feel bad. It's not a criticism. It just seems like it would be so hard to keep up with everything. The only negative feeling I have about it is I think it's unfair to the environment. The world population is growing too fast to be sustainable and I worry about it for my 2 kids. Will they be able to have kids themselves or things will be so bad by then? Otherwise, likely your friends w/out kids just don't get it. Someday they will and will feel badly.

I'm 31 and we just had our 4th boy in under 6 years. Really, I don't have childless friends anymore because I just don't have a lot in common with them at this point in my life. I do feel like people stare at us and shake their heads when we go out, but oh well. Yes, I have my hands full. Yes, I am busy. No, we aren't going to try for a girl. Really, I just figure they're making conversation and let it go. Find friends with kids your kids age and you will have a much easier time.

Also, when I answer in a way that people see I'm enjoying the kids (like "we're having too much fun to worry about a girl/being so busy") then you'll see how many people are just getting a kick out of seeing so many well behaved kids together.

For a long time in this country the family size was 2.3 kids (2 kids and a dog). Now times have changed and so have the sizes of the family but many have not changed the mindset so you have the nay sayers.

You say you have many friends without children well that is one thing that is going to have to change because they do not understand what you go through to bring up baby and siblings. One day they might but you will still be in another phase of your life and not be in contact with each other. So do the mommy day out thing to meet other moms in the same boat.

Other people wonder how you can financially afford to care for your children and provide the "required" college for each at the present and increasing tune of $150,000 per child. This does not include your present everyday cost of clothing, food, shelter, medical, sports and activities.

I say this from the older person view but I am not downing or dogging your or anyother mommas on here that have more then 3. I had two and wanted a third but moving around in the military 25 years ago was not conducive to having more than 2 and having a nice place to live when you got orders here in the states or outside the states and pets made it worse when moving or traveling.

So for the record, hold your head up high. Oh when someone really does open the door let them as they feel they are doing something good for mankind even if you can do it yourself. Also grow a tougher layer of skin so that everything that is said does not sink in and become a negative.

Have a good season and a good new year.

The other S.

PS You could also make a time just for me time and go out for a lunch or dinner with the girls without the kids. This will make you feel more like an adult and able to cope and appreciate your kids better.

it sounds more like you are judging yourself. If most of your friends dont have kids they cannot relate to you. People without kids tend to be annoyed by the presence of children, even well behaved ones because they can't act normal around kids, you have to be "on guard" all of the time and it makes them nervous. I'm sure you can still socialize with your friends and leave the kids with a sitter right? Maybe your friends arent aware of that option, you might just let them know?
While you have 4 little ones, you will be limited on who wants to hang out with you .... you are a big package right now and it makes it much more difficult to entertain.

I know what you're talking about-it seemed like as soon as I had #3 it became a running joke at my work that my husband and I are very sexually active (to say it as PG as possible). Also we got fewer invites to friends with no kids or 1 kid. Not to mention the amount people who intrusively ask if you are thinking about having more only to launch a debate on global over-population.

I don't know your situation. Congratulations on raising such wellbehaved, likable kids. I have heard people talk about others, but it is usually when a woman says "All four of my kids were surprises!" I have heard at least 3 women say something like they are immune to birth control or it failed. On here someone asked about moving to CA to get medicaid, but she has insurance already. People really got mad at her.

I know my 27 year old niece is on her fourth baby with the 3rd or 4th dad(the second one's father is not known for sure). The men were all abusive deadbeats and have nothing to do with the kids. The kids have a bad life.

People don't like her getting the tax payers to pay for everything. She doesn't rely on taxpapers all the time, but she did get free medical with two of them because she was not speaking to grandma.

What they don't know and what would make them even madder is that she no longer relies on the government because her grandmother is giving her $2500 per month, a free house, a free van, a free education, etc... Still, she leaves her kids and goes out for me time every single night.

While I only have #2 on the way, we want *at least* 3 and are hoping to do foster care in the future, so I'm already anticipating the remarks we will get based on what some friends/family experience. My cousin just had #8 (the oldest is 17) and her parents are the worst on her. (They had 6 themselves, so I have no idea why they act this way.) And to tell you the truth, her children are all very well behaved, smart and respectful.

I agree that some of the comments are said more out of awe at how you do it but there are definitely those out there who are being judgemental. (ie, look at how people react to the Duggars. Yes, 19 is a lot, but again, they are all well behaved, smart and they are pretty self-sufficient, not on government help, good with their money, etc., so why should others care so much?)

What I would say to these people is "I'd rather have my hands full than empty! We are so blessed!" Should shut them up - in front of you at least.

I'd also look around for other larger families to befriend because they will "get" your situation.

If you are supporting the number of children you have, not on goverment aid and not way overdoing it like the doggers then I say who cares how many you have. I do not like the dogger family because they make the older kids grow up too fast and take care of the little ones.

I agree with many of the posters below. I just wanted to add that maybe what you perceive as being judgemental other people don't mean that way. Although I would like to have more children, I currently have two. I know that when I look at a family with many kids, especially close in age, i might make a comment, but I mean it it in the "how do you do it and do it so well?" kind of way. Unless people are being really mean, try to take it as a compliment; you're doing something that they feel they couldn't do.

And, try to make some friends with people who have children. It's not that people without children don't still like you or your kids, but, you have to know, that the experience of getting together with four children is simply not the same as getting together with only adults, or even one child. It's loud, it's messy, there's tons of interruptions, etc. It's not that your children are poorly behaved - they're children. People without kids just don't always get that.

Good luck and enjoy your kids!

It was just as bad or worse thirty-some years ago when I had my 6th child, and I was just about the only one with that many children in the schools they attended. I was stung by a few remarks here and there, but in general I ignored them. I had no famly in the area but my mother and so was not subjected to remarks from them. My husband and I knew what we wanted so we were content. Today, I wonder how I did it, and so do my children! I always try to help young mothers I know who have four or more children, and I do know a couple....so best wishes to you, and enjoy!

We have 2 and are expecting our third, and we take our kids everywhere. If they seem too tired to do well, we don't go (if we have an option) but this includes nicish restaurants when we can afford them. We have one waitress we love to get who is a lot older than we are and just adores the boys and even used to carry one of them around back to the kitchen when things were slow--she is thrilled we are having another and will probably ask about more after that because she was never able to have children. I love seeing large, happy families. We have several friends who already have 3 children and while we aren't able to get together as often as we would like (all of our kids are on different schedules) we keep in touch and we do often have single friends over or couple friends.

I would start by ignoring those people. It is sad when it is coming from family. My mom had 3 of us and always said she would have loved at least one more, but I think she was surprised when we started having kids because we don't have a lot. My kids are happy and taken care of, however, so I don't care. I just joke with people that we just "upgraded" to a minivan, so we might as well fill it. My sister-in-law's first response to our van was "Oh, you can have 2 more babies after this one!!!" and a lot of people we know, with or without kids, have said, "you'll have to have one more to try for a girl." (We're expecting our third boy, which is fine with me. I just think it is funny that they seem to take it all in stride.) We're pretty sure we're finished at 3, but that's what we thought after 2 as well. =)

I have not but I remember my mother being asked if she knew what caused that when she was pregnant with my little brother ---that was 40 years ago---he was number 3.
People can be rude and ignorant so just ignore them and enjoy every moment. My parents always felt blessed to have three of us. (My little brother was significantly younger than my older brother and I.....we thought it/ he was/is awesome!)

Nothing has really been said to me I keep getting asked are you having another one I tell them no i'm content with my 3.I have 2 good friends one has 4 kids the other none.I see lots of women with many kids in the back of my mind i'm thinking how is that affordable,how does she manage her time & several other things doesn't mean that i'm going to ask you.In public I get stared at I have 3 maybe I look younger than I look i'm 30 had my 1st at 23 but I manage them I can get the door for myself I sometimes get disgusted that people butt in front of me to try to get to the door first for themselves or to help I can do it but I say Thank You smile & move on the remarks on their end is OH you have your hands full let me get that for you if i;m having a good day i'll take it as a compiment if it has already been a pain in the neck day i'll take is as sarcacism.

The worst was when someone asked me point blank if all of my children were my husband's.

I have been accused of being "a good Catholic" (I'm a UU)

When I was pg with my fourth (the boys were 7,3, and 18mo) people would gawk as we were walking into a building and not even offer to hold the door.

"How do you do it?" is a question I don't ever want to hear again.

However, no one ever asks me why I don't work full time outside the home. And the rudest people are answered with a questioning stare. Really, find new friends. By the time I had my 3rd, any childless friends I had had fallen off my radar. I was 31 when the last one was born, so I was young when I had mine, too. On a positive note, one of those friends started her family a few years ago, and I thoroughly enjoy doting on her small children. I wouldn't have had the time for it when mine were little.

The friends who don't have any children may be a lost cause.
Sadly.
Especially if you used to be close to any of them.
Maybe once a year or every other year,
you might attempt an adults-only get-together.
If that.
They don't want to hear you brag about your children
and probably think you have nothing else to talk about.

About your extended family . . . . that's a toughie.
Do most of your extended family have only one or two children each?
It's sad if they're judging you negatively
since you clearly are happy with your little tribe.
I guess all you can do with your extended family
is continue to be your happy self and let their judgments
slide off your back like water off a duck's back.
Their judgments have nothing to do with your life.

Keep on keepin' on.
=====================================
Y'know . . . there are organizations of parents of twins.
You might want to see if there's a branch of that group in your area.
And/or . . . if there are any websites or bulletin boards for your city
with networking options (Craigslist?), you might consider
running a notice looking for SAHMs with more than 3 kids
to get together with maybe once/month,
for the kids to play and the moms to share experiences and helpful hints.

My friend had 5 children with great variation with the ages. I have never had a problem with her children and even on chrismtas they were over our house with her children and her children's children (one is now 30). They would even help us make and decorate gingerbread houses. I think your family need to understand that they are your life. They are what make you life good and if they can't then you need to find some friends that share your beleifs and aren't judgemental. You shouldn't feel bad. I wanted a large family myself but recently discovered I may not be able to. If they want to be that way there is nothing you can do. Besides if that is they way they feel then if they did have you over for the holidays they may make you feel uncomfortable. Ask them why they feel this way and if they refuse to be accepting then find some friends that genuinely care about you and the rest should follow. Just remember family is what you make of it not who you were born to.

I don't know that I've been judged, but after having my 3rd (of 4) child, we did seem to "lose touch" with some of our friends, through no fault of our own (in my opinion). People just seemed to stop calling us to do things, even when our friends (who all have families and young children) would get together, we some how were omitted from EVERYTHING. I even noticed that none of our friends will come to our children's birthday parties, even though we have attended every event we've ever been invited to with regards to all of their kids. I don't know what changed, but it is very obvious that something has.

I come from a large family (seven) and have always wanted to have a large family. I get "comments" all the time. Mostly from my family, but I don't let it bother me. I remind them that I've never made it a secret that I want a big family. Not everyone is negative though, I was pleasantly surprised the other day at a service plaza while traveling with my three children (alone) when an older man with his wife, kids and grandchildren said to me "That's a nice little trio you got there!" They sure are and I hope to have a few more!

you should probably try to find friends that have a bunch of kids like you so that you have more in common, if you are sensitive to people not approving.

i have "home wrecker" rep going around in my family because i dated my husband while he was married to another women and not ONE person called ME to get the truth, not ONE person has asked me for the truth yet and STILL has not asked me (4 years later)....yes i dated him while he was married, YES a temporary order and divorce was filed BEFORE i'd have anything to do with a "romantic relationship" with him and he was legally seperated from his exwife

sometimes it's just snotty people being rude. sometimes it's probably admiring but you're sensitized to hear criticism so might miss it. sometimes it's from exasperated folks who've had bad experiences with families with lots of kids and are (sadly) taking it out on you.
i have a niece with 4 who wants them all to come visiting with her (naturally) but it's always an ordeal for the visitee. some folks' houses are not childproof and it's wearing on everyone if the kids are running wild. and as someone who comes from a very large family, i also get how moms of many don't understand how their adorables might not be 100% welcome, since the moms are understandably proud of 'em. it's not a matter of 'bad kids' but some venues are just not comfortable for large amounts of good ones.
a lot of the folks you've *lost* probably really do want you but aren't mentally equipped to deal with the deluge. figure out which ones are especially dear to you and try to meet them solo occasionally.
as for the ones who are genuinely snitty to you, good riddance.
khairete
S.

We will be having #6 in Feb. and we waited as long as possible to tell anyone because of the negative comments we received when we told everyone about baby #5. It's frustrating. I also get turned down a lot when I ask if I can help out or volunteer because I "have so many kids". It's like I became incompetent once I had more than 3 kids.
No advice really- just sympathy!
~C.