Deciding to Hold a Child Back

I would not hold him back.
Work with him extra hard over the summer.
If you hold him back, he will have to go through next year
getting teased and picked on and he will hold that against you.
That could make him shut down and start acting out.

I wish you the best.

Hold him back. While he may not like the idea at first, he is young enough to get over any stigma attched to being held back. Don't let him struggle all his life. He needs to start feeling smart and successful.

My fear in holding him back now is that if he struggles later or fails a later grade and has to be help back again, he'll be even older than the other kids. I would do this as a last resort. Definitely go with other PP's advice about getting him tested for any delays or disabilities, and consider the summer school or tutor route. Those are great suggestions, seem like less extreme solutions, and may do a lot more good for him. Good luck!

Coming from someone who has a degree in education and am the daughter of a special education teacher, I suggest three things:

1. Have your son tested - just to see where he is on the scale. He may be completely within the realm of normal for his age but lacks motivation, struggles because of another issue (does he need glasses, ADHD, etc).

2. Look at his teacher - how does she engage the students? I have talked with several friends who's children are in 3rd grade and they have had a HORRIBLE year. My mom said the jump from 2nd to 3rd grade is HUGE and often times kids don't do well in the 3rd grade even when they did great beforehand. I'm not blaming the teacher - but talk with her and see what she says. She may be able to offer insight into what's going on with him and his grades.

3. Think TWICE....even THREE times about holding him back. Even if it means he'll need extra help in the 4th grade, I would think that would be better than being held back. Think about it - his friends will now be in and older grade. I just think that I would not really consider holding my child back unless they were trying 100% ALL the time and still FAILING everything. I do not think C's are a good enough reason to hold them back.

Look into getting an IEP or 504 plan - this would require testing. Even if he does not require special education assistance, he can get extra help with a 504 plan.

Good luck!!

I would get him tested for ADD and ADHD. Did you know that the foods he eats can affect his ability to concentrate? I would also google on the internet,
chiropractics and ADD and ADHD. You will be amazed how chiropractics can
help him. My son has high functioning Autism and I googled chiropractics and was amazed at the amount of children helped by chiropractic care.
Jake has been going to the chiropractor since October 2009 and it's not April 2010 and he had made great progress. He is doing much better in school among other things. If you think about it your entire nervous system is connected through your spine. I hope that all goes well with your son.
Have a great day!

Your school should have a team working on solutions to help your child be more successful. It sounds like he is falling through the cracks. I would pass him on since being held back at this age would be very detrimnetal to his self-esteem but see if they would allow him to go to summer school which he should certainly qualify for based on his low grades. I would also consider getting him into a tutoring program over the summer as well. You must be pro-active with this, schools are overwhelmed with kids with more severe issues and your child is obviously not standing out as a big concern.
Good Luck,
M.

As a psychologist who has worked in educational systems, grade retention does not tend to provide the solution to such problems. Furthermore, the research has generally demonstrated that holding a child back is a major contributing factor having an adverse impact on self-esteem and learning, which is not a positive process. What's most important is that a child remain with his same-age peer group, discover what actually is happening to interfere with his learning process and address the problem with his learning issues while he remains with his current peers. Anytime the notion of grade retention is raised, most of the time there is some underlying learning problem that has gone undiagnosed and holding the child back does not resolve the issue. Especially given there is a family history of ADHD, you definitely ought to get your son evaluated by a psychologist with expertise working with children and such relevant disorders. That way you can learn whether or not he meets the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and/or a learning disability (which is common combination). Then you can receive sound recommendations on how to address his specific issues. You can request your school district to start the process or you can seek it out privately. The pro of pursuing an evaluation privately is you get a faster turn around. You might want to try connecting with The Kingsbury Center in Washington, DC( www.kingsbury.com) which is a wonderful resource for families in your situation. Good luck!

All three of my sisters kids (now 11, 13 and 16) have been tested for learning disabilities, ADD/ADHD - they've even considered in enrolling in a study through Georgetown university regarding heredity of learning disabilities as their father has dyslexia.

Last Christmas, my nephew was 9, and we were playing the game Apples to Apples. It was very difficult to watch him struggle with simple words. He attends a good school in one of the most acclaimed public school systems in the country, and they keep advancing him from grade to grade because he's not "non-proficient" enough to be held back.

There are certainly emotional/psychological things to take into consideration - what needs to receive equal merit, though, is what effect his struggles in the current and subsequent grades will have as well.

I, too, believe McMama makes some good points that warrant consideration and are completely valid.

More than anything, I'd ask your son how he feels about things and what he'd like to do and then support him fully with either your own time and investment into helping him in each grade, getting a tutor with whom he really clicks.

My brother in law was coddled and told it wasn't his fault. As a 41 year old man, he writes like an 8 year-old and won't work for anyone other than himself for being exposed for his disability. His parents completed school work for him to help him pass and completely enabled him NOT to learn and to learn how to overcome this issue.

Good luck! I hope you make the right decision and find your son thriving in years to come.

I am no expert, but I would lean toward NOT holding him back. I think he will catch up. If you believe he is ADD/ADHD you probably should have him tested. Holding him back won't help him if that is the cause.

You can consider a change to a school with smaller classrooms where he could get more individualized attention.

Also, what do you clean your house with? There are all sorts of studies and information out there linking household cleaners to health hazards, including behavioral issues (ADD) in children. If you are still using harsh chemicals contact me and allow me to make some recommendations. I am a Shaklee Independent Distributor and we have some amazing products I think you would love.

I completely understand where you are coming from. We went through this with my son last year. We knew by mid year that he may be ADD and he was really struggling in school. My son is not hyper but rather quite and a little shy. I fought getting him tested for months thinking I could help him work through it. I would study with him, I tried vitamins (Omega 3, DHRA...) focus drinks, changing his diet as much as I could since he is such a picky eater and nothing worked, not even a hint of working. I finally broke down and took him to a neurologist and had him tested and they said he has non hyper ADHD or ADD. My husband and I did not like the idea of medicating him we didn't know what else to do. By this time 1st grade was over and he barely passed. His teacher agreed to tutor him during the summer and we started him on his first meds. This is where you need to be really aware of your child and pay close attention because the same meds do not work the same from child to child. If you read on line you can find so much good and bad info that I was just terrified. We tried Adderall first, after a couple of weeks my son started getting very moody and emotional so we took him off of that. Then we tried Concerta. He did that one for a couple of months. I couldn't tell a difference and neither could his teacher so then we tried Focalin and finally we started to get positive results. It took another couple of months to figure out the correct dosage to get the best results but here were are now almost finished with 2nd grade and he has all A's and B's. I still have concerns and wonder if we are doing the right thing. I continually search for alternate solutions but for now this seems to be working. It didn't change his personality it just helps him be able to sit still a little better and stay focused on whatever is going on (school, church, sports...) I wouldn't say its been a miracle drug but it has help make his life a little easier. I think it has also helped with his self confidence too.

I know a lot of people are against medicating and to be honest it was not my first choice either. We finally reached a point that we didn't know what else to do. I wanted to tell you about our experience because it has made a huge difference in our son life.

I wish you luck and hope you can find a solution that works for your son.

As you said, you see a pattern where you son struggles each year. So I would suggest that you hold him back and let him catch up with his abilities. My daughter had the same thing. We held her back. In doing so, we explained to her that she did nothing wrong it was just that she needed more time in that grade to understand what was needed. She is now 33 and has been very happy about what we did early on. I would also get him tested to ease your mind. Good luck to both of you. The other S.

I am reading this as both a mother and a teacher. Here are a few things to consider. If your son's school/learning issues have gone on since pre-school you may want to have him evaluated by the school district (i'm assuming you're in a public school in PA since you referenced the PSSA test.) for not only ADD/ADHD but their child study team should be able to do a complete battery of tests that will evaluate his learning (in case he may have a learning disability) which will look at basically what he's capable of doing vs. his performance. They also investigate other "problem" areas based on the recommendation of his teachers, the shild study team, and yourself. The first place to go is schedule a meeting with his teacher, express your concerns and I'm sure she will do the same. Inform him/her of his learning history, your family history of ADHD and ask him/her what they think. They will be able to advocate for your child and pursue getting some help if warranted. Often teachers (especially one's with experience often see the difference between a student struggling and needing to be held back vs. an issue that cannot be helped by holding a student back a grade.) If you don't get the help you want from the teacher I suggest going to the school counselor, they are aware of lots of resources, provide help, and can go the extra mile advocating for your child within the school setting. Best of luck to you and especially to your son. :)

I whole heartedly agree with McMama's post! (I was a middle school teacher before kids.) I would also suggest summer school as another option instead of holding him back. In the district I taught, summer school was a good option for many students. The classes were smaller, more hands on and there was more one on one attention. The program was designed to reinforce curriculum that kids struggled with in the previous year. The classes were only half a day and summer school did not take up the entire summer. Most days our kids actually enjoyed it, once they got over the shock of being recommended for summer school.

If you read books from some of the top child psychologists in the nation, you will hear them say that early education is all wrong, especially for boys who mature more slowly than girls. The truth is that children should not be schooled until they are age 7,8,or 9. Their bodies are not ready for the pressures of study behind a desk all day. They need hands on learning and creative play. IMy son struggled in reading until he was 8 years old. Then all of a sudden he could read at the high school level. Holding your son back could be the best thing for him. Don't you want him to be at the top of the class instead of at the bottom where he is lableled stupid. Hold him back or home-school him for a year. You will see him improve. AF

I dont think it would hurt him if you left him back. I am sure it would probably benefit him in the long run. Girls seem to learn faster than boys, and boys do have a shorter attention span than girls and since he started at an early 5 years old he will still 'be on track' when he graduates because it would be if he was one of the kids who would have to wait a year to start cause their bday is in january..He will be 18 instead of 17 when he graduates. Only you know how much he is struggling. Talk to his teachers and see what their thoughts are too because I am sure they see alot of this situation. My cousin is starting her son a year later for this same exact reason. His bday is in august and she was talking with someone who has worked in the school district for years and she verified that it is a great decision! :0) So if you feel he will struggle for the rest of his years in school, by all means leave him back a year. Do what needs to be done to make it best for you child ;0)

I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what we did. My son, now 11, has a September birthday and is one of the youngest in his class. He did great in Kindergarten. Then in 1st grade, he started struggling - not so much with the material he was being taught, but with sitting still, staying focused, staying on task to complete his schoolwork, etc. At the end of the year, his teacher hinted that she thought he should be held back. We decided not to hold him back because he knew the material - his issues were more of a maturity thing. However, we worked with his teachers over the next few years to try to come up with different solutions that would help him stay focused on his work (sitting by the teacher's desk, having a timer at his desk, having the teacher walk by and tap his desk if he started daydreaming, etc). And he went to summer school one year. By the time he got to 5th grade, he really seemed to have matured to the point that he didn't need the extra attention. And now he is a 6th grader with mostly A's and a few B's. We never had him tested for ADD or ADHD, although I suspect that he has a touch of it. So, in our case, keeping our son in the same grade has worked out well for us, but I can tell you that there were many times that I wondered if we should have waited another year before he started Kindergarten.

My step mother held her son back and when he got older he started throwing it in her face and has never forgiven her for it. They also say that the older the child would be when they graduate, the less likely they are to graduate (I know my step brother followed that rule).

My mom held me back in kindergarden... but she talked to me before she did it. It seemed like it was my choose to stay back - eventhough I don't think it was. She explained to me the benifits of staying back & why she wanted me to go back through kindergarden. I know your boy is a little older, but I think if you are considering it - you should talk to him about it.

I do think it would be a good idea to have your son tested for ADD/ADHD & possible developmental delays. Get him an IEP, which will help the school & you help him. My son is going through testing right now - he is 4 1/2... they do see he needs speech help, help w/ following directions & finding a way of sitting & listening. This summer we are going to speech sections and he is suppose to go into a support group to help him transition into a classroom setting (eventhough he has been in pre-k for 2 yrs).

Also, talk to his teacher & who ever is giving him the extra help... they will be able to offer you info on how to help him and what they think about him needed to go ahead or stay back. It never hurts for you to get invalved more with his educations... actually our grade school tries to get parents invalved as much as they can.

Good luck!!

I think you should talk to his teachers. I wouldn't hold him back unless you are going to switch his school. That way he wouldn't be teased by his peers. A new school would be a way to have a fresh start but I probably impractical. Get him tested, get an IEP at school and consider a tutoring program like Sylvan now and in the summer to help him catch up and figure out what learning problems he has.

I understand how you feel. I have been there. I have a son who was always daydreaming, not paying attention, etc. At home doing his homework was a struggle. I kept him back against my mother-in-law's, sister-in-law's advise they felt I would scar him for life. Well, the next year came in and he was ready paid attention, participated in class etc.

He is now in the 4th grade, school is nearly over and he is struggling and homework almost never gets done, I believe he is AD, possibly bi-polar. He is a leader in his class and behaves at school. The doors to the schoolbus open and he instantly turns into a little butt head..bullying his younger brother, yelling, stomping thru the house, teasing the dog and cursing at me.

Inspite of all of this keeping him back was good. But the other issues I believe play a part in his C's & D's that he gets. Some times though you just can't look at the grade, but is he trying, is he not understanding or is he looking at tv, out the window etc. There is a difference between not understanding and daydreaming.

Yes, I would take him to the doctor, it can't hurt and it may shed some light on his problem.

Good luck.

I will give you my personal experience, my parents held me back in the 2nd grade. I had the same grades as your son and I barley passed my standardized testing. I had a lot of trouble reading and writing, I think holding me back did wonders. If you send him to the 4th grade it could be a bad thing and make matters worse. Sometimes holding them back will give them an extra year of learning. It helped me out so much, and I thank my parents because I graduated Valedictorian with almost a 4.0. I also graduated top 20% of my class in high school. In my opinion I think you should. Good luck with everything. :)

I think that there are a few issues to consider when making your decision. First, although I am not big on giving a label to kids (, since your son is struggling, it might be helpful to have him tested for ADD/ADHD. It might help focus on ways to help in (but try not to have people narrow their mindset to that one issue) Also, I'd seek not just one, but a few different opinions from school counselors, teachers, or maybe a child developmental specialist too about the issues your son is dealing with and their recommended course of action. I have a son who will be one of the youngest in his class going into kindergarten this year and I've been dealing with should I hold him back as I do know a number of moms that are doing this with their sons, but I do think he is ready -- so I've been thinking about these issues lately too. There may be self esteem issues and a sense of failure if you hold him back-- BUT he is also dealing with these everyday as he struggles in his current grade level. Perhaps by giving him the opportunity to get a second try at his grade level, he will feel much more of a sense of accomplishment and confidence because he will be more successful. Of course, there may be negative feedback from his peers if he has to repeat a grade. But, perhaps this may be better to deal with now that in later years. The other option is to get tutoring for him over the summer ( or enroll in some sort of academic summer school or summer camp)-- so that he can work on mastering the last year's curriculum but also get a jump start on the following year's lessons. Ask the school for help in the best way to do this and commit to having a tutor for him once the school year starts to see if the extra school time will help him-- not sure if he is ready for this but maybe letting him know the options of either repeating a grade or getting extra help (which of course would mean more school work for him each day, so he may not be thrilled about either choice). If cost is an issue, maybe see if you can find a high school student to help out that would not charge so much (but would be more familiar with the current teaching methods) or work with him yourself but supplement that from time to time with a professional tutor. Either way, really really become a "bother" to his teachers and school and touch base often about how you or the tutor should present the material to be the most effective to helping your son learn. Hopefully there will be others who have had your experience that can give feedback to you too. Good luck!

I have a degree in education, have four kids, and I was the youngest in my class (Sept. b-day) until second grade. My parents made the decision to hold me back, but like Jenny G. helped me to think it was my choice. I am sure that your son recognizes that he is struggling. The ideal would be if he could switch to a different elementary school. We were moving when my parents had me repeat 2nd grade. So I didn't have the peer struggle of repeating. Depending on how big your school is, many kids may not even notice because they think he just has a different teacher.

Holding me back was the best thing my parents ever did for me (and they were great parents). It helped me to become one of the top kids for grades and I was much more mature for the peer pressure that came in H.S. Talk to your son about it, I have a 7th grader, 5th grader, 1st grader, and preschooler. I know that all three of my older ones are capable of understanding the implications and if you approach it with a positive angle about how wonderful it will be for him to know the answers and not have to struggle so much, I bet he will agree. Good luck! Being a mom is the hardest job there is, but oh so worth it.

I would say go ahead and have him tested. If a child is exposed to the same material over and over they should be getting it no matter what. A 3 year old can learn to write their name but not be able to read because someone works with them over and over. If he is working all year on the same material he should be getting it. Social development can be slow to develop. I think having him tested would answer your questions, get the pediatrician to do a referral now, before school is out so they can get the paperwork done by the teachers or you'll have to wait until the Fall and the teachers then won't have a year of experience of know ing your child.

I also have a 3rd-grader, and indeed what they are being taught is different, and so is the "lingo" that is being used. [For example in math what we were taught as "borrowing" and "carrying over" is now called "regrouping."]

I think you should have a frank discussion with his teachers about how to help your son. Repeating 3rd grade definitely should be on the table; however that in itself won't address his academic struggles if he indeed has ADD or some other learning disability. Have him assessed.

Look into another school that is a better fit for his learning style and keep him at the level you placed him or put him in a mixed grade class that is teaching at both levels and then work with the teacher to decide what actual grade level he is at, using this year to transition into how to best serve him as a student. Something is not working for him so why keep repeating the same scenario, that can't be good for his self-esteem. By using the term holding him back you are putting it into terms of taking something away from him. Think of allowing him to improve his learning at the level he has been at as Giving Him the Gift of Success, Self-Esteem and Confidence, and the gift of childhood. Ask yourself where are you running to? He's being pushed into a place he is not succeeding and running to having a job and being a grown-up. Give him the gift of a successful childhood so he can become a successful adult.

Do not hold a child back, I am a victim of this matter. Yes I do admit I struggled in school but it was probably the teachers fault. At the time I was diagnose with ADD but I'm a boy so duh I am going to have a lot of energy during that time. I got held back at 8th grade and it was the worst decision on my mother's part. For example, it affected me in many ways such as feeling naturally dumb compared to others, I was talking to students younger than me, and it brought my self-esteem very low. My mother even put me into the special education program such as resource which didn't help at all. Right now I'm in college and I'm planing on becoming a history teacher. I never struggled in college nor needed special help. If it wasn't for me being held back I would already be teaching. As for my relationship towards my mother, it's nothing but bitterns and resentment. My mother's decisions was a result of me not loving her nor trusting her, I even told her bluntly to her face that "I don't love you and even to the day when you pass away." which I know sounds evil (it is evil) but if she never did that, our relationship will be completely different. Sadly enough this made me into a unemotional person meaning, I do not feel guilt, I feel melancholy, and I don't care about others if it does not affect me. DO NOT hold your child back if you do not want this outcome to happen to you because believe me it must be a heart-breaker for a mother to hear from the child they created that's half of hers and carrying you inside her womb for nine months to hear simply "I don't love you" from that child. Believe it or not I live a normal life, I'm a after school chess teacher and I have a partner (which I have been dating for 3 years) who went to Bronx high school of science which is the top 10 best public schools in America (no joke look it up in wikipedia); do you think this semi-genesis girl wants to be with a dumb man? Of course not. Were planing to move out of state once I get my degree and where planing on having kids. However my mother will never get to see them because I don't her to held them back as well.Look some kids are late bloomers and you just need to give them time. But I'll say it again, DO NOT HELD BACK your child or there is a chance he/she will not love you and will care less about you in long-run.
*Experience held back victim

Well from what i understand boys have a little harder time in school mostly because they normally don't want to set still and most are slower to learn. So honestly if it was me i would hold him back no matter what. If he knows his stuff for this year by the end of the year than he will do great next year very well. I would hurt his feelings but in the long run would make him feel better. He's old enough to understand so i would set him down and explain it to him. I don't believe i would have him tested myself especially if you don't believe in medication as i do. If you totally didn't know i might but if you think him might be ADHD than treat him as such. Teach him to cope with it but NEVER label him as such. Don't tell him you think he is it will only harm is already battered ego. It could have an effect but every child in my opinion is good at certain things and not at others so treat him as such. Remember Einstein had a disability and look at how well he did.
I see alot of people who say not to hold him back but i think the lessons he would learn from it would WAY out way the minor beating his ego would get from seeing his pears go forward. I was held back and thank god i was i passed because of it. I didn't like it but i was old enough to understand. Good luck