Dealing with a Premadonna of an SIL

As frustrating as this may be, the general rule is that if it's not bothering MIL or hubby, then you really should not get involved. If you cannot just let it go and let them deal with it, you may ask her to give you a hand with clearing the table by stating "Oh...I forgot the cups, can you bring them to the kitchen for me?". Maybe all she needs is to be asked or invited to help out. Some women are raised in homes where Mom does it all and they're expected to be guests forever. Not my home mind you, as that's a great disservice to my children, but some people create this mind set and others just have to over look it or teach them another way of living.

Good luck!!

If MIL is not happy – let her deal with it. It will come out much better if MIL asked for help than you doing it. As for babysitting… if she doesn’t want to babysit –she has to get out of that commitment.

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you the only one bothered by this?
You've never asked for help so why are you upset someone else has?
Maybe she doesn't ever help with things at gatherings.
I know when I go to my sister's or mom's, I always help, but not everyone else does. I don't think they are being selfish. It's just something we do and let's face it, there's only so much room in the kitchen for people.

I don't think you should consider telling her off and I don't think you should consider just not going.
Each of you have your different roles and that's okay.
You aren't her and she isn't you.
No point in fighting over it.

If you are jealous, and not saying you are, you need to just let it go and be happy in your own niche in the family.
I'm sure you are very loved and appreciated for your contributions.

Try to look at it that way.

Best wishes.

she is not your problem just go and help mil out and mind your own business I had a sisterinlaw same way lets just say she is no longer my sil

It's sad you are going to allow your SIL to control what you do - you just gave her the power she wants and confirmed her pre-madonna attitude. You should continue to go to your MIL's for lunch and dinner. You should continue to help your MIL in the kitchen. It really has nothing to do w/ your SIL - you have allowed her to get your goat. Take the high road. Everyone knows that your SIL is lazy. Be the better the person you have always been...

I'm wondering why you have the expectation that your SIL help pick up but don't have the same expectation for your husband or BIL?

I also wanted to add that it drives me crazy when I host a gathering and people try to "help" out. I can't stand having people under my feet or in my space while I'm working. So in turn, I try to show a host/hostess the same courtesy I expect--meaning if you don't ask me for help, I just stay out of the way.

You could avoid her but that doesn't change anything and I am sure your MIL appreciates the help. Next time, you could say to your MIL (but for all to hear "MIL's name...please sit. Suzy and I can take care of cleaning up, it's the least we can do" It may work, if not you tried. Another option would be if your MIL would say "Suzy, can you help us w/ cleaning up".

My MIL would cook for all of us too. My BIL's now ex-wife would NEVER lift a finger and I always did. I will admit that since I had my little girl, I have backed off the clean up duties but I do help her get the leftovers put away and the table cleared.

Honestly, it's not your place to step in. She's not asking anything of you and those people aren't complaining. Let it go....

If you love your MIL, keep going and helping her out. I don't like people who take advantage of others either, but you are assuming how you would feel in their shoes instead of knowing how they feel. Maybe MIL loves spending that time with the kids and a disruption by you might hinder the time she gets with her grandchildren. If she doesn't want to be there, then she needs to speak up for herself.

I have an Aunt I love dearly. I love her children, my cousins dearly. When I am at her house I do the dishes, help cook, fold laundry - whatever I see needs to be done. Her daughter, my cousin, sits and visits. Do I love my cousin less - NO. Would I let her lack of assistance prevent me from visiting my beloved Aunt - NO.

Why would you let your SIL's behavior prevent you from enjoying your MIL that you say that you love? What is wrong with being the one who helps out at family meals?

Also, you state that you are living overseas - is this maybe a cultural thing? A family dynamic that was in place long before you arrived on the scene? You MIL is a grown woman - if she is unhappy with the way her daughter treats her it is up to her to change that. She makes the decision to babysit, she makes the decision to take on all the work at family meals.

I say continue to go to the family meals and don't deprive yourself of your time with your MIL or you assistance.

just keep in mind...the MIL you adore, and the BIL you don't want to cause waves with - created and accept this monster. saying anything will hurt them too. it's an inlaws thing...we all have them, they are all screwy at times lol. you really should just bite your tongue. keep being a good example. i guarantee MIL sees the differences and she probably feels badly that HER daughter can't be the daughter that you are. isn't that sad? if it gets to be too much take a week off from the family. it sounds like an awful lot of togetherness, especially considering you don't even really like everyone there. a break might do you good.

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ok just read your "what happened", sounds like i gave good advice lol. i had another thought - has anyone just said, "hey SIL would you dry these dishes so i can do (whatever)?" ASKING her full out to help. either she will do it, or she will make herself look like an awfully spoiled child. then you're not the bad guy.

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also, maybe invite MIL out without BIL and family, to dinner or to your house. then there's less sting when you turn down the bi-montly dinners at MIL's house...

You could say something like "SIL name, Let's clean up since MIL treated us to lunch". It will probably come off a little wierd and forced because it's been going on for so long and you're upset about it but some people are just dense and have to be told what to do.

Please continue to help your MIL when you are there b/c it's the nice and appreciative thing to do.

It sounds like this is an issue b/w your MIL and SIL... not involving you! The only thing you can do is encourage MIL to say "no" once in a while. You don't like her, but you don't the the right to make waves in your husband's family when it doesn't directly impact you or your children.

If you need or want help, ask for it. She asked- therefore she is getting the help. You elected not to ask for help, so you don't. If MIL doesn't like being taken advantage of, then she needs to start making herself "unavailable" to SIL.

It doesn't involve you directly, so stay out of it!

It sounds like the SIL knows what she wants and how to ask for it. There is an edge of martyrdom in your voice. We each make choices in how we behave. No, it is not right for her to do nothing and play helpless. But you have choices in your own life. You don't need to help clean up because your SIL doesn't - you help your MIL because you were raised to be helpful and it brings you satisfaction to help the wider family run well. You can also choose to sit and let your MIL do all the work at her own home. Yes, you can. You probably won't because it would seem to be selfish and horrible and so you would be going against your conscience. But you are not anyone else's conscience besides your own - and you are helping to lovingly form the conscience of your children.

Since the MIL is happy to help with her grandchildren, maybe you could ask her to come over once a week for an afternoon or morning so you could go out for coffee or a walk with a friend. Let her have the joy of helping you while you have the joy of helping her.

Your SIL is not going to change. You can peacefully choose not to go places where she is going to be. Let your husband and children go - the cousins can love playing together and the brothers love being together even if you need to absent yourself. But don't blame the SIL for it - make choices based on what you need to be peaceful. If you can be with her and not judge her, then great. If you need some time apart from her, that is fine, too. Keep the focus on yourself.

Do you mean a "prima donna"?
Bottom line: Don't let your SIL influence your own behavior.
I would continue to go, help, pitch in, etc.
I think we all have O. of these in the family.
It will only be a poor reflection on you if you allow it to! Why sink to her level?

She may be annoying, and you may view her as a primadonna, but what MIL does in terms of going to SIL's house to help out really isn't your concern and certainly isn't something for you to get involved in. Nor is BIL waiting on her hand and foot in their home. Doesn't concern you. When you go to MIL's house, continue to show good manners. It's not up to BIL to put his wife in her place or tell her what to do, she simply has bad manners and that is her choice. If you feel that you must make a statement, when you clear the table, don't clear SIL's place. Remember that men are just as capable as women and the sons can clear the table too.
I don't have a problem with a mom going out for a weekly riding lesson or tennis game. Why wouldn't a women leave the kids with her husband? Many couples don't have the agreement that women are totally in charge of the kids and dont' get any time away from home.

How about asking her...some people just don't offer, but will help when asked/told. When setting table, say "Will you set out the glasses while I get the plates?" "Would you mind getting everyones drinks while I...." While picking up, "MIL, you stay put, SIL and I will pick this up for you!"
If you put her on the spot, she may "man Up" so to speak!

I would specifically ask SIL to help whenever you are over your MIL house. It's not your job to be the only person cleaning up. Just casually call her by name & give her a task. She'll look like a twit if she doesn't help. As for your MIL...it's up to her to handle her own situation. She's an adult.

Ha ha, I come from a family of helping hands and my SIL is NOT a set of them! lol I have asked her on purpose to help in the kitchen, slicing lemons!!! and she said she wont ask me what she can help with cause she doesnt want to get stuck chopping lol She also doesnt help pick up or set up but boy can she eat! She will however pick up and wash her own plate on occassion. I would just pick up a few things and then casually ask her to rbing the sidheds to the sink or something. What I dont understand is how the little voice in her head doesnt say 'you should probably get up and help' or how she doesnt get that pit in her stomach that urges her to help. BUT I guess some people are just that way and dont think about it. Dont let it turn into an issue and dont concern yourself with your MIL going over at 7am.

I didn't read your prior responses but this sounds kind of juvenile to me. Who cares really? but since it bothers you so much, why don't you just call out from the kitchen and say "hey sil (whatever her name is), can you grab the dishes off the table and bring them in here please?" and sort of "make" her do something to help out. If she doesn't, and no one else seems to be bothered with it, then let it go. Same thing for your MIL. Its her house, maybe she can say something to her like "hey, can you load the dishwasher please?". Otherwise, let it go. Its really not worth getting this upset about.

If it bothers your MIL, then you can suggest ways for her to put a stop to the SIL behavior or (her) be around it less often.
Some people need to be needed.
Your SIL has her court of attendants set up the way she likes it.
The only way to stop it is to stage a servants revolt but they've got to want to.
It doesn't look like they want to make waves.

I think it is nice of you to help your MIL and you should continue to do so. I would not say anything to the SIL...this is how she was raised I guess. She was allowed to be like this and now as an adult she acts like this. It is not your place to speak to her about it...it is up to her mother to talk to her if she so chooses. I agree, it would be incredibly annoying to be around a woman like this. Sorry you have to have her in your life!

If your MIL is unhappy with the situation, the best thing you can do is try to empower her to say no. Let her know you see this, and that you don't want to ruffle feathers, but you're concerned because you don't want her to be taken advantage of.

I was afraid to speak up about similar situation, with my mom & my brother. My brother would not intentionally do it, but he's pretty oblivious. I have a good relationship with both mom and bro. Anyway, bro would call my parents on a Saturday at 6 and say "We're dropping off our baby & 2yo so we can go out to eat & the movies." My mom would never say no.... My dad would never tell bro no (my parents don't have much of a social life, and at that time, if the kids came over, my mom was the one doing most of the work watching them, so my dad (also oblivious) wouldn't see what the problem was. The problem was that a) its rude and inconsiderate, and b) my mom may or may not have wanted to have her crazy niece & nephew (the kids' parents referred to them at the time as "my psycho children").

Anyway, I told my mom what I saw, and that it bothered me. She admitted that she didn't always like having to babysit them on short notice, especially late (they'd stay out till 11 pm). I encouraged my mom to tell him that she was not able to do it (let him know she didn't feel well, etc.), and that it's okay to tell him no.

I also told my brother that I thought he was being inconsiderate. I think he felt guilty about it, after he thought about it. In the end, he has (mostly) stopped doing this, and my mom has told him no a couple of times.

Gigis,
You have 2 issues with SIL: cleanup and how she treats her MIL. Irritating on both issues. Please take my notes with a bit of love and thick skin, because telling DSIL off is not going to help anyone, and may relieve you of family you love eventually.

Take a certain soft knowledge with you as you do the practical, appropriate HELP with your MIL on these lunches. You are showing her children the something socially correct for a family: help. You are a great Aunti doing this!

Do not expect her to help, don't expect her to do a thing. Simply help your DMIL instead.

As my Dad would always tell me: worry about your own back yard.

Tennis? Horseback riding? Well, if DMIL wants to be there for her to do these things, maybe she wasn't when she was a girl. And maybe she feels she should be at this point. There isn't a thing you can do.

Her husband? The love of her life? Your husband? The love of your life? She's a primadonna?

Spend some time with her children. You will not regret it.

As far as incapable? She may be. You are not in her skin. She has to learn to be there for her children, and that takes time, as well as emulation. Be thankful she isn't turning hr oldest into a caretaker for the youngers.

You see, I had a grandmother who did just that. She even tried to keep her eldest daughter from getting married, just so she wouldn't have to take care of her youngest (age two at the wedding - and to give you an idea of how things went at the wedding - said 2 year old was drunk on everyone's leftover drinks - hows that for a Mom?), and the olders and the laundry, and the cooking, and the cleaning. She even went to her mother's house and CLEANED and helped out after she was married! Her mother refused to enter our house. Didn't ever once. Would pick her up and drop her off in the driveway.

Incapable? Just might be. Who are we to judge?

Best bet? Go over and help DMIL with DSIL. Then, when she decides she's going to 'escape', kindly but firmly say, no, I have to go home. I have my own house to take care of. Nothing unkind. Nothing mean. Nothing untrue. Give her little tiny bits of LIFE to take a bite out of, and come back and do it all over again.

Two children are OVERWHELMING. Especially. Until you get used to it. If you refuse to get used to it, you're going to be dependent on more and more help. Then it crashes. It burns. And it actually burns the kids when the children are in infancy, so best to help her now if you can.

My pediatrician said it is HARDER to go from one child to two - because when hubby exits that door to go earn the bread and bacon, instead of man on man, you are now on zone defense.

good luck
M.