Assisting Elderly Parents

Tania is so right. My siblings and I were so very close until the ordeal of dealing with our father's death and will.

I will not do this to my only son. Yes, there are things I would like to leave to my nieces, but HE will make the decision if I die suddenly.

If I have a lingering illness, I will do what Barb's G. did so that I can also pass along the stories.

Hi L.,
For even the closest family, this can be a touchy subject. Get a decent Estate lawyer involved NOW, while she can still make her own decisions, then you and your siblings don't have to wonder, "what would Mom have wanted?"
t

There probably isn't anything you can do without a lawyer because you are dealing with taxes and probate in two states. It will be complicated. I'm dealing with that same issue right now and it's Arizona and New York I'm dealing with. I did get a lawyer in NY and he set something up but not correctly. My Arizona lawyer says I need to get a living trust for her money which will allow her to use it and also her heirs to use it for her benefit - helpful if she become incapacitated. Personally I would convince her to move near you in case she needs a nursing home. You can't supervise her care from afar. Start today and good luck. D.

In addition to all the legal advise you are recieving. I know a woman that comes to your home, photographs and archives your items. She documents the history behind the item, memories associated with it and can note who is to receive the item. She is a wonderfully creative person with a heart for helping preserve family heritage. While her work is definitely not a substitute for a will and other legal documents, it's a gift to future generations. She includes all the answers to things like "where did grandma get this?" or share stories of "I remember when grandpa made this..." She is in Mesa, her name is Denise and you can reach her ###-###-####

Some people might think this is morbid, but I've done it with 2 different grandmothers and it went over very well. This applies more to 'what do we do with their things' than it does all the legal advice and actual estate that you got advice from below. Immediate family (kids & grandkids) met over at Grandma's house on a Saturday. Everyone drew a number out of a hat (1 through 10 or however many people there are), we then took turns starting with #1 and recycling through the numbers. When it was your turn you got to pick one of Grandma's things to keep as yours. It was a great help to her to clean up the house of all the things she didn't need any more - plus she really enjoyed seeing who got what and telling stories that went with the items. I think there is a lot more joy in this process than there is trying to sort it out after they have passed. Of course there were certain things she had set aside because she knew she wanted them to go to certain people, but we put everything else out: dishes, sewing machines, clothes, jewelry, yard tools, etc. You get the idea. Sounds like you might have family that is ill - sorry to hear that. Good luck.

We actually purchased Quicken WillMaker Permium at Costco for $49.99. It has everthing in there that would could think about to have covered in the estate (living will. living trust, heathcare, power of attorney, and a ton more). We are using it for not only ourselves but my mother in law.

I have a great estate planning attorney. She is very professional and caring. She will take the time to sit with you to determine the needs of the situation. Her name is Kristel Patton. ###-###-#### We met with her to set up our will/guardianship of our two boys. She is awesome.

Good luck! Your mom is lucky to have you there to help.
C.

L.,

For Christmas I purchased the Suze Orman package through one of the shopping networks. My mother was thrilled and thought it was one of the best presents. She and my father had wanted to updated their will, etc but hadn't gotten around to it and it is very costly doing if through a lawyer (I spent $750) for what I bought for them at $89. Also, on Suze's website she has many of the items available. The will and trust may still be free if you use the promo code people first.

I started the conversation with my parents, helped them get the documentation completed - they did it the same month and now we'll have more conversations as things change.

My Aunt wanted to move to a small home. But her kids had issues with selling "the family" home. Now her house is way too much, her kids have to take care of everything. She's been in nursing homes most of the past year and I think things might have been different if they let her downsize when she wanted.

It is hard for our parents to ask their children for help - she may welcome a honest helpful conversation.