Asking for a Friend... MIL from HELL

This sounds more like HUSBAND from hell. He is the one who needs to change things up. If she can't calmly talk him into standing up to his mother, then things will never change. If she's tried this and he won't cooperate, then things won't ever be different. But that's not MIL's fault. It's his.

Sounds like your girlfriend has a choice to make.
Divorce him and let his Mom have him back or
wait it out and the MIL will die sooner or later.
With the lack of support he's giving your friend,
I'm not sure he's worth the wait.

Hi R.,
8 years and 4 kids together and this is only NOW starting to bother her? If he doesn't "leave and cleave" it will not change. he needs to stop being a little boy and stand up to his mom. That would be the day my husband would miss our son's game b/c his "mommy said so"! But HE needs to change. And you can't make someone change.

I told my husband, who was alot like this, that if he could not consider me family, as equal to his other family, and stand up for with with them, than we could stop being a family because I could not deal with being treated as seconds class any longer. He did come around, but I still have to remind him from time to time.

Ah, my story :o). My MIL is miserable and my husband thinks she walks on water, until she visits or we visit her. It doesn't take a visit for me to know she is a pain in the tail. And he told me I needed to cut the cord when I moved out of my parents house. Mind you I was 20 and he was, well older than that. She does similiar things though. She does things like tell him he doesn't have to participate in the kids activities, that it was MY fault he cheated on me years ago, etc...she is something special. Even last year at a family reunion. We all met in a parking lot to follow to the picnic spot in New Orleans. She gave us the t-shirts she had bought for our 3 kids, who were 6, 4, and 2 at the time...all 3 in booster seats in the back of our rental. The drive was 20 mintues, and she proceeded to bless my husband out for not having the kids dressed when we got there. When were we going to do it? On the highway? And she sat around mean mugging the rest of the afternoon. I really don't know how to fix it because I just ignore any comments my husband makes and kindly say "I freaking told you so!" when he complains to me about her. He just knows my stance on her right now and if she can't come into my family and respect her place as grandma, then she is not welcome. Sorry, because I know this didn't help much. Just tell your friend to put her foot down. Hard.

Was this the situation during their first 3 years together or did it develop since the wedding? Is the MIL married? I ask because if it was the case all along, I would say your friend should have saw the warning signs. If it just developed, I wonder if something has changed w/ MIL such as her health or loss of her spouse...something like that?

The husband sitting in the car w/ his mom is not a problem; however, weren't they both supposed to be watching the game (regardless of where they sit)? Does MIL not see that she makes the wife uncomfortable?

Since the husband is not willing to cut the umbilical cord, the couple really should seek counseling. If they didn't have four kids, I would tell wife to RUN!

HMM It does sound icky, but two sides to every story and perception is reality. If MIL feels like she has been slighte, she has.
I would suggest counseling for the wife and husband. Have her pose it to hubby as a way to "help her understand the relationship" and learn as a couple how to include mamma and more importantly when not to.
Any therapist or family counselor could help them both come to terms with the feelings they are having and how to grow as a couple.
Also if they are spiritual at all the bible says that a man will leave his parents and cleave unto his wife. . . so maybe some indepth couple bible studies could support them, too!

she needs to stand up and tell her husband that she and the kids come first.. end of discussion.. it doesn't sound like she is doing that..

Has she ever watched MONSTER-IN-LAW!! Pretty sad though! I think she really needs to ask herself if she wants to deal with this for the rest of her life! I know I sure as hell wouldn't!! Does she really want her kids to see how their grandmother treats her!!?? My grandma was sort of the same way with my mom. It's really sad to see, but kids do see it!

ok this is going to be winded , Sorry.

Yes there are different perceptions to every story, however, I know how your friend feels. It is a control thing. Tell you GF to seek counseling, yes with hubby would be best, the way I would and did tell my hubby " I need this, it is for me can, you just go with me, for me. I just need your support." and then once their talk about the controll issue that MIL has. She is not loosing her son she is loosing control of her son therefore it is the change and controll that bothers her. Her hubby will never see it when it is just her pointing this out. Trust me I went thru it and still am, but now my hubby sees it and is angry at his parents for it, he is still working on it. Also your GF needs to realize if she does get him to open his eyes to his families controll issues then that migt change his as a person and therefore she may nolonger recognise the man she is living with. That is what happened to me. I do not regret what I did, but I no longer know him. Either way I thik we were doomed for divorce. She I pray will be luckier than me.

I am sorry I hope this has made sence. If more detailes of my situation is needed for your advice to you friend send me a personal message and I am happy to tell you.

Good luck to you and your friend.

Updated

oh and food for thought that I remind my hubby about, If it needs to be a secret there is something WRONG with it. If everything is ok and normal then what can counsling hurt.

Late answer here.

I don't care if its' "one side of the story." A mother is always a mother, but a mother who respects her son will respect his marriage.

Hi R.,

While you think your girlfriend 'has NEVER done anything', you only know her side of it. No one truly knows what goes on in the privacy of another's home, or who got nasty first. It was quite the opposite with me, my version... I welcomed her with open arms. Then she changed after a marriage that I helped arrange. I don't even know her anymore. I have asked her many times, what did I do?, what went wrong?. She doesn't answer.

Tell your friend AND her husband that a good admirable quality is that of RESPECT.

It is the husband's duty to make as much peace as he can between wife and mother. It is perfectly fine to tell both not to disrespect the other. They do not have to agree, but he should not allow disrespect between the two to continue. It should be said calmly, strongly and definitively. He should say he loves them both, but he should protect both from harm and emotional stress.

Wife and Mom do not have to like each other, only respect. Each has the option of calmly walking away without engaging, and then if one tries to follow, THAT is where he SHOULD step in! If he has to keep them apart---HE SHOULD! A strong man can balance the two. Counseling IS in order............... or the marriage defintely will disolve.....a test of his true feelings is the final ultimatum.

A strong man can balance the two. My son apparently figured this out, and he is only 19. He tries hard to be fair and I'm sorry he is in the middle. As a result, we all do our best to be civil and polite. I don't want to fight and neither does she.

I want to see this marriage work for your girlfriend, so I cannot be flippant with the recommendations. I apologize for its length and wordiness. I wish them all the happiness they deserve, and the knowledge and help to which it can be achieved.

Sincerely,
F.

some advice, if he hasnt cut the cord by now, he never will. dont bother to get into an argument about it with him , because you might as well be talking to a tree. instead, start doing family things without him, if he would rather sit in the car with his mommie, then get out of the car and watch his child, play,let him,sooner or later, the child will learn not to rely on their fathers participation in their lives. just let the child know that you are involved in their lives, and you would much rather be with them, anyway. especially since their father cant be bothered. when the kids get a little older, then their father may even decide to be a father to them rather then a mommas boy.but dont hold your breath waiting. get on with your life, if he wants to watch life go past him , while he sits with his mommie, you cant force him to change, but you can can have a hell of a time until then
K. h..

The only people that can change things in this situation is your friend and her husband, the only person that can change husband is husband. You hear only what your gf tells you, you don't get the WHOLE story. maybe mil has something different in her defense, maybe not.

the only thing YOU can do is be a listener to your girlfriends problems. if she really wants to change things then SHE will have to figure out what works for her. maybe her husband isn't happy with the marriage?? then of course he's going to cling to mom and she's gonna hate the wife.

what ever the reason if she wants it changed she'll make the change

I love B's answer.
From what you have said she (your friend) has exhausted all her options.

I can totally relate. I posted something about my MIL a bit ago. Sounds like the same person.

My husband and I had to go through about 5 years of counseling. It didn't get much better so I told him it was us or her. Long story short, she brought the kids in the middle and now we don't speak to her EVER.

What we learned.....boundaries. Just like with kids, you MUST set boundaries and do what you want. If she doesn't like it too bad. This will hurt and it is very hard to do, but so important. He needs to realize she won't change and it will just get worse. If he can't put his wife and kids first the marriage will be tough. He needs to decide what he really wants from each relationship and make that his priority.

Best advice I ever received was.....Right, Wrong or Indifferent, it is your choice. Don't let others tell you how to live. You will benefit from your mistakes, feel good that you made the decision and be able to make better choices in the future.

PS. If you need to vent more. send me an email. I totally understand.

Boundaries. There isn't much else you can really do here. Basically it's up to the husband... he either starts putting some boundaries around their relationship or she will put some boundaries around their marriage. This isn't a threat, it's a promise on her end.

MIL sounds like a drama queen, but I'm guessing that your friend is no angel either in the situation. While she may not "do anything" to provoke the situation, has she tried doing anything to prevent it? I would start by having your friend sit down with her husband and let him know that this behavior is NOT okay and it will not continue. Then she should have a sit-down with the MIL- without him there.

Let the MIL know that she will be allowed to participate in the grandchildren's lives IF she can be cordial to the wife. If she can't, then she won't be included in the next event- no matter what it is. Leave the husband out of it- he's obviously unable to stand-up to his mother.

Then let the husband know that the situation will be re-evaluated in 3 months. If nothing changes, they go to counseling. If in another 3 months things still aren't better then she's filing for a separation and he can move back in with his mother.