4 Yr. Old Daughter Is Anti-Mommy

This is going to sound awful but it worked. My son pulled this on me when he was 3. I got even. I ignored him if he wanted something from me, I refused to tuck him in, hug, kiss, snuggle when he wanted to. Basically I treated him like he had been treating me. I ignored him (unless he was endangering himself). He lasted about 3 days before he cracked but we have never had that problem again. He learned that if you want to be respected and loved you have to treat me the same way.

My son was the same way, but it was for his grandmother. He would rather be there then at home. I told him "that's ok, I'll just call Michael" he asked me who he was and I told him that Michael was my new big boy since he didn't want me. He doesn't act that way anymore.

I know first hand how soul-destoying and sad this must be for you. We had the same problem with my daughter when she was 2. In our case it was brought on by a 7 week separation during which I was in executing our move to America from Europe.

For 11 months this was a heart-wrenching battle. Once when waking her up she actually said, 'No morning! Daddy morning!'

We did these very difficult things, and finally I was back in the circle of light!
--We were united that this was not tolerable
--We removed my husband from all baths, stories, and meal providing, gift-giving, boo boo healing, etc so that she saw me as the one that provided for her.
--If she refused me a kiss at bedtime then my husband did not allow a kiss from him
--We did not ever try to 'make her love me' like demanding a kiss, etc. I simply walked away every time she was rejecting me.
--When people said 'She's a daddy's girl', we responded, 'She's a Mommy AND Daddy's girl'

This was very very hard to carry out. I did plently of retil therapy, getting jealous, taking it out on hubby, and crying. It was a long year that year.

We brought this tough time up to her the other day, and she doesn't even remember it now--whew! I certainly do, but it is thankfully no longer an issue at all.

Good luck! Cyber hugs going out to you now....

I'll bet part of the problem is the 10-month-old baby. Your daughter may be mad at you for dethroning her, although she can't understand or express it. Probably you take care of the baby while Daddy spends more time with her. Try switching roles when you can (this will also be good for Daddy and little one), and explaining that why you are doing it is because you like to have your "special big girl time." Good luck.

Hi V., I got the reverse in this case, that is, my girl (3 yrs old) is very anti-Daddy, and very attached to me. I guess I'm lucky, but I swear, lots of time I need to have a break from her just to get a breath.
What seems to work for us, my husband, though he's sweet & gentle, but he can be very firm. Most the time he'll try to keep talking to our daughter eventhough she doesn't want to, and he will keep doing it until she gives up. When our daughter starts being rude/cruel to him, I will cut in - say it is not what a princess does, and mommy doesn't like a rude girl, then sort of force her to talk to her daddy by ultimating her that she can't be with mommy anymore if she's not nice to daddy. Usually my girl will cry when I "ultimatum" her like that, and then daddy will start comforting her, and most of the time, she will then go to daddy for comfort :)
But the point is, your husband has to play a major support in this too, to make your daughter be more socialize to you, and both of you have to work together to emphazise the rule to your daughter that no anti-social person in the house. Has your daughter been attached to daddy like this since very early on? Hopefully this is just a phase that kids are normally going through.

-F.

My daughter is a daddy's girl, too. It used to really bother me when she would prefer my husband to do certain things for her but now that she's getting older (she'll be 4 in August) she's growing out of it. Maybe you should try to spend some quality "alone" time with your daughter. It may be hard with a little baby, but try to go for walks, take her to the store with you, paint her fingernails, etc. You should also bring this to your husband's attention, if you haven't already done so. He should encourage your daughter to spend time with you too. (He could say, "Daddy can't read to you right now, but mommy would love to read to you.") And you and your husband should also make it very clear to your daughter that being disrespectful to you will not be tolerated whatsoever! Good luck!

Have you ever had a time in your life when she was aware of it that you were so upset that you took it out on her or let her see your 'bad' side? I can't imagine why she would act that way. I would say that it would be a stage that she is going through but if she still does that when her dad is not home and you are alone, I don't know what to tell you. I noticed in your profile that you have a 3 yr old and a 10 month old. Do you think that she has a very... no EXTREMELY maddening feeling toward you because of the baby... because you spend time with the baby? How was she before the baby?
I would just respect her wishes and go about my business and just let her know that if she doesn't want you to do things for her, spend time with her, or play with her, then you will do what she wants and leave her alone. I would just tend to the baby and just give her the time that she is asking for. Just make sure that she doesn't do anything to get hurt. She will probably realize that you are ignoring her somewhat and then begin to want some of the attention too and then she may start asking for you to help and trying to get your attention .... then you can start over with her and hopefully it will be better.
I sure am sorry. I know that it must hurt. But at the same time you know her dad is extatic that she is such a daddy's girl. Good luck and I hope it changes for you quickly.

Hi V.,
Kids are cruel! Its as simple as that,,LOL Sorry that you are experiencing this. I went thru the same thing with my daughter when she was about 3 and I didn't have another baby either so it wasn't from jealousy or anything like that.It did hurt and just about broke my heart sometimes. I would just off and cry by myself..LOL I finally came to the conclusion it was because I was "all things to her". I was the primary caretaker which made her eat before playing, made her take a bath when she didn't want to, disciplined her and my husband then was the playmate. He would come in from work and as soon as he got his shower and ate, it was playtime. Or they would go out and get icecream or go the park for awhile. Which I treasured that time for space to myself and didn't realize what was taking place. As bad as this sounds, I even started treasuring the time when she would get sick, that was the only time she would revert back to wanting mommy,,LOL Daddy wasn't any good then. LOL Now I look back on it with your post, I think its a phase a lot of kids go thru. It really hurts at the time though, and you have to learn to deal with it. But being the primary caretaker 24-7 as compared to the playmate every evening, wouldn't you like the playmate better? LOL Don't worry about it, it will pass! Just put a band aid on your heart for right now till it passes, cause knowing this still doesn't stop the hurt. Be aware, as they get older in the teen age years, it CAN get worse, but they really do love us. We are just their "everything" even the door mat sometimes..LOL Good luck!

My daughter 2 1/2 was starting to act that way toward me and I told my husband that I felt we needed some bonding time (I also have a 16 month old son). So, he spent the afternoon with our son and my daughter and I had a Princess Day (my husband started these for me when I was pregnant with her). My daughter and I got all dressed up (I let her wear one of my necklace's) and went out to eat at Olive Garden. She got a "kiddie cocktail" (white cranberry juice) and ordered for herself. I didn't make a big deal out of whether she ate or not or how messy she wanted to get or anything else. We talked and colored her menu. When we were done, we went window shopping. We bought a couple of little things and she got to look at whatever she wanted as long as she wanted. We ended our day with a trip to Toys R Us and then brought home ice cream sundaes from McDonald's for the whole family. Everything has been great since. I think we just needed some one on one time without her baby brother clinging on to me for us to reconnect. It was awesome! She is still a Daddy's girl, but Mommy's pretty cool now too. We plan for us to do this once a month on whatever scale we can afford. Good luck.

Hello, V.!! I almost cried reading these post because I don't really know what I will do when and if my son does this, but we are getting ready to have another child and I feel like I may be going through this soon. I know if will break my heart if my little boy rejects me.

I do think though if this does happen that I will make my husband step in and talk to our son about how he should treat his mommy. Because ultimantly I believe this is very dihonoring and disobedient behavior that his is showing. Yes, I am sure many think he is just being a kid going through changes and it is just a stage, but as a parent I think it is our place to show them this is not acceptable behavior. Just like yelling or hitting mommy at any other time.

Like I said I have not gone through this, but it is definantly something i WILL be talking with my husband about so we can get a stratagy before it occurs in a few months.

One person did mention the whole "Daddy's Girl" thing. I try hard already not to use those terms. I had a niece that really thought her mom did not love her as much as the boys because they and others called her a "Daddy's Girl" all the time. So I know I really try not to refer often to my son as Mommy's Boy without also refering to Daddy as well.

My prayers are with you I know it has to be hard!

There's the first thing you and your husband did wrong..treated your daughter like a princess and gave her everything she wanted.Most likly your husband spoils her more and that is why she wants,has become a spoiled daddys girl.Now she expects it.

What I would do is use that sort of logic against her..or reverse it.If she wants to help you with something tell her no thanks I"ll wait until daddy gets home.Then when she starts to cry,whine about wanting to help you ask her how so feels when you say that to her..she doesnt like it..and tell her thats how you feel...you dont like it.Basically do to her what she does to you..good luck..
S. B

My 5yo son is presently a Daddy's Boy. I am a SAHM, and my son is going through that 'developmentally appropriate' stage of Daddy's Boy (from what I've read). I remember reading around 4 the boys think mommy is best and it flip flops to daddy around 5 so I'm sure what you are seeing with your daughter is 'developmentally appropriate.' It is, however, so very frustrating, particularly when as a mom you do so much (more) for your child. My son is envious of all the time I spend with my 3yo daughter as well, and I see you have a younger child who requires attention as well. It can be really difficult because the 2nd child, though wonderful, slows up the activities for the older firstborn and my son seems to resent it. I am confident that we will come through the daddy is great, mommy is not phase soon. TRY to be patient and not let it get to you. I did learn early on that overcompensating doesn't help so limit yourself to spoiling her - she will remember how much she loves you for you soon enough. Good luck!!

I don't know, but you did say you treat her like a princess. Maybe that's the problem. She's not a princess but a little girl, a part of a family.

Does she get her way all the time? Do you cave when she refuses to do what you ask? Do you follow through with punishments or expecting things of her? Maybe she doesn't respect you for some reason. Just some thoughts.

Hi V., Good morning! I am a mom of a now 8 yr old. I have had a similar problem. Please know that I know how you feel, because what I am going to say is going to sound harsh at first. How does your husband respond to you? If he responds to your child before you it may be a jealousy of your daughter. I know it sounds crazy, but it is almost if she sees herself as competition w/you. I went through this with my child/husband and had to tell him. It sometimes still happens. If your husband will begin putting you first ie: hugs you first, does not let your conversations be interupted by her, etc. If that is not the case I would quit vying(sp) for her attention. She knows it bothers you, she has your number-this comes from her stong willedness-not necessarily bad, it just needs to be redirected. When you go to hug her, play etc. if she says no, just say okay, mommy loves you and go on w/what ever you are doing. It will be a struggle for you. When these were happening to us it was very hard for me, in fact, I hated being mom. I read and stood strong determined that she was not going to beat me with her will. It got better and we still struggle some days, but overall things are good.

I hope I didn't ofend you. I have been there, and it is not easy. please feel free to contact me again if I can be of any help.

Sincerly,
D. S.

I could be totally off base here, but this is my take on your situation. Your daughter could be feeling jealous of the new baby, and feels like you've "replaced" her. So, she decides to turn to daddy instead. Of course she doesn't think any of this through, it's just instinct at her age. The thing is, I don't think you should take it personally, and I even think that it could be a good thing in the long run. Girls with healthy relationships with their daddies tend to do better with relationships when they get older. You should not tolerate rudeness or disrespect, and daddy should back you up on that, but for the most part just try to go along with it as much as possible. The time will come when she will come back to mom for answers - after all, what man can explain menstruation? Until then, relax and be glad your daughter has a dad she CAN look up to, so many do not!

V., I am wondering if she is acting out in a jealous kind of way since I see you have a 10 month old.

She may feel jealous since you have to tend to the baby so much that when Daddy comes home he can give her one on one attention.

I would highly suggest that you and your DH have a talk with her as she is totally disrespecting you and it will only multiply with age... and become uncontrollable. But HE is the one that needs to say it and every time she says or acts that way, it should be unacceptable.

She may indeed be 'resenting' you since you have the baby.
Maybe too the "PRINCESS" treatment needs to be toned down as she thinks the world revolves around her... possibly. I am not there but you are.

If you don't get a grip on this now, I am afraid it will lead to more disrespectful behavior in the coming years and what is she going to tell you when she is a teen?????

Best of Luck to you V. and I know you will do what is best for you and your family.

Our first son was such a mamma's boy before his brother was born, but after baby came home and daddy had him "had" to hang out more.......he totally became daddy's boy. He would tell me "i do not like you" and "i want daddy" all the time.
Looks like you have a baby too, so I can kidda see how kids get that way.My husband would always take our son out somewhere(pool, park, golfing) after work, so I can get a break....that's one on one time. And during the day with me, even though we do spend lots of time at the park, going for a walks and playing.....he hears a lot: share with your brother, wait till finish feeding the baby,he gets time outs for hitting his brother and stuff like that.I think it's a stage, cuz our youngest is almost 16 months old and it is starting to get better(now they both get in trouble...lol)I think we need to tell them that it's ok to want daddy, but it is not ok to be mean to mommy. My 2 cents