Husband Secretly Saves Money?!

Well I have a secret stash of money. My husband is the spender and I am the saver. If you're the spender or not willing to trim the budget then I can see his side in saving for a rainy day. For a saver it's great peace of mind. I stress about money and my husband does not. In his defense he earns a good living. Now this could totally be a different situation, like can't buy groceries or make the light bill then it's really wrong. Just calmly ask him about it and go from there.

Make a note of the account number so if it is about a divorce, you can track that money. Id be expecting more secrets.

I have a stash of "secret" money.

I used it to pay for a cruise for the both of us to celebrate our 40th anniversary.
I used my stash to pay for 4 tires for my wife's car when one of the tires starting vibrating horribly at 65 mph. (The tread started coming apart inside the tire and couldn't be seen from the outside.)
I used my stash to rent the carriage we will be going on to celebrate Mother's Day on Saturday.
Now I'm building up my stash again.
When I want to buy my wife a present that I don't want her to know about, I use my stash. Plus, my stash is an emergency fund.

Having a stash could be a red flag. But it could also be a loving man trying to take care of his wife and family. My wife can't save a penny. She was brought up spending every nickel. Her mom depends on her kids for her place to stay because she spent everything that came in.

So, do you spend everything that comes in or can you be frugal enough to save? If you spend everything that comes in, your husband is serving the family in a very noble way by saving a "stash".

Most families can save a lot of money on groceries IF they were willing to. I spend less than $200 per month on groceries for the 2 of us. I also grow a garden which gives us organic produce and saves on the grocery bill.

Good luck to you and yours.

Unless you have other marriage problems, this isn't an automatic red flag. Ask him about the savings. Perhaps it is meant for auto insurance, property taxes, or something of that nature. Even when monthly finances are a struggle, there are legitimate reasons for saving up a chunk of money. You should have come cash reserves in case of emergency too.

It might not even be a secret so much as something he just didn't talk about doing. Ask. Have a conversation.

I have several savings accounts earmarked for various things. When our car needed a big repair, my husband was worried until I told him, "We have a car fund, we have the cash to cover it." I wasn't hiding money, I was simply saving it.

Now that said, if he reacts badly and starts talking about "his money" and trying to make you feel bad for asking - huge red flag.

I've been down that road, in 2 totally different ways.

1) Its why the courts give 75% of "hidden assets" to the spouse they were hidden from, not just half. When one spouse is hiding assets from the other spouse its SERIOUSLY no bueno. My ex was hiding how much he MADE from me, for years. Here I was living on a shoestring budget, meanwhile he was stashing (and spending) thousands. Insert derrogatory invective here.

2) Is 180 degrees different from the above. We EACH had $200 a month "allowance". $100 per paycheck for ALL personal expenses (subscriptions, work lunches, clothes, haircuts, hobbies, etc.). Well, he blew through his every month & had "nothing" left. I save half of mine each month, and after 2 years had saved up enough for a $2000 laptop. He was FURIOUS with me... And demanded we spend my savings on something else. Um. No. (Hail No / How DARE he...after finding out he was hiding 10s of thousands). Our personal spending money was OURS. To spend as we chose with absolutely no oversight (as opposed to family money). He had spent his, I was spending mine. Just slower. It was equal/fair as long as we both had the same. Same amount. Same rules. Not "I get to spend $200 a month, but you can only spend $100. Unless you spend it fast. Then $200 is fine. Um. No. Same amount. Same rules.

__________

So, to ME, it depends on whether he's hiding assets / or is saving his personal money.

M.:

You need to sit down with your husband and talk about money.

Get his pay stubs and compare them to the actual deposits coming into the account.

Get a budget together...then say - okay -dear - I found this receipt in your pants pocket. Were you going to try and surprise me with something? I have to say - I was surprised!! It's great that you have been able to save money. I believe it's something we need to do together.

Every one has a definition of "considerable" amount. That's really here nor there right now. Is it enough to pay a credit card off? Is it enough to repair something that needs to be repaired?

What would **I** do? I would do just like I said above - get my ducks in a row first - pay stubs and bank statements - then the budget and then sit down with him and his receipt and show him what you found and how that money can help you guys out NOW. DO NOT attack him. DO NOT start out with "YOU did this" - that will put him on the defensive. You want to be able to have an adult conversation with him. "I was doing laundry and found this. I did some looking...we can use this here....were you going to surprise me with something? I don't mean to spoil the surprise..."

Don't yell. Don't scream. Talk like an adult.

Good luck!

My own experience....
My husband and I have never been well to do. Each month is a struggle for us as well.
A couple of years ago I started saving $20 a week. Just $20. I put it in an envelope and never told my husband about it. I started in January and by the end of the year I had close to $1,000!! (some weeks I put in a bit more)
It was SO GREAT when my husband started to stress about Christmas and I pulled out that money and told him to take a breath. And he did. We were able to buy the kids what they wanted, ourselves what we wanted, and our extended families. We did not struggle at all that Christmas.
You certainly could ask your husband about it, I probably would. But don't go into thinking it's something sinister. There could be SO MANY reasons that he is doing this.
L.

Well, I just read all the previous answers, and it's a very interesting range of comments!

What do *you* connect the saving money to? What direction is your mind going in now? Is the communication between you two usually good? Have you been worried about other things concerning your marriage?

You might say to your husband, "I found a slip in your pants pocket the other day when I was getting ready to do laundry. What's this about?" You may get the answer you want right there - and it may be a good answer, one that you will understand.

What you don't want to do is to start out with suspicions and accusations. (You know how you'd react if he did that to you.) Ask him about it as if he were a friend or a neighbor, not your spouse. How he responds to that question will determine what you do next.

By the way, that's a general principle - that you ask questions first and shoot afterward, not the other way round.

Find a time when everything is calm and sit down with him and ask. Perhaps go for coffee in public so that emotions are easier kept in check. Work it thru in your mind so that you're not angry if at all possible. Make it a fact finding investigation. Pretend you're an investigator if that would help.

Remember you don't know why he's saving or why he's keeping it secret. Is it possible he plans to surprise you with a gift, a down payment on a house, or ???? Has he accused you of spending too much and this is his way to build up savings for the family? There can be reasons for this that would indicate he's trying to do what's best for the family.

I think you had better prepare for a divorce, is what I think.

Had the bills over to him. Tell him that he has to pay them out of his secret bank account.

If you work, I think you had better open up a single account and put all your money in it. And if you don't work? Sounds like you need to find a job...

So sorry.

Do you happen to know what his salary is supposed to be and how it compares to deposits? I would be very thrown by anything so big that was secret. It could be that he is saving for a deposit on something for you. But if you're not meeting bills, it's not very responsible. And other than an account number, how do you know that it's his own account? When I make a deposit, the slip simply has a lot of numbers, and it may or may not be his (or it may or may not be his alone). I would confront him (and knowing me, it would be a confrontation -- I would have a hard time staying calm, but that would absolutely shock me if I found that with my husband). Try not to jump to conclusions, but it'll be hard.

In most relationships there is usually a spender and a saver. Looks like we know who the saver is in your family. From your perspective, perhaps you've missed out on things you could have purchased. When I read this I think, now there is a man who wants to be able to continue to take care of his family should things go south. Did you know that one should have 6 months of living expenses saved in case of loss of job or illness? Ask yourself another question; is he hiding it because he knows if you knew about it, you'd likely want to spend it? I'm not for hiding anything in a marriage, but I do wonder why he feels the need to hide this. He's doing something responsible for his family and he felt the need to hide it. That should cause you to pause.
Does he own his own business? someone made a good point; this could just be taxes set aside.

I see this as a MAJOR red flag. It wouldn't be a big deal IF you didn't have money problems and you could pay your bills easily. However, the fact that you are struggling and he's stashing cash, yeah, that's a problem. Now, what do you do about it?

I found out something about my now ex-husband and started snooping. I found some things that ended up with me divorcing him. So be prepared for something you might not like when you question him about this or start to snoop in other areas.

I doubt that he's just stashing money because he's a "saver". And if he is, I would be so pissed that he's doing that while I'm stressing about the bills each month. So I think something is going on. You likely will need to just ask him straight out..."hey, I found this while doing laundry, what's going on?" But be prepared for the answer, or lack thereof, that might make you start questioning other stuff or not believe him. You will probably open up a door you don't want to so be prepared for the possible outcome. Good luck.

My fiance sets money aside each month from his "allowance" - we each have a certain amount of spending money each month for lunches and such (he works and has more). Often enough his lunch is bought for him so that money goes to the side - any cash he gets for other reasons gets set aside. One time he had 10grand set aside - we were able to move, get our deposits, a nice stock of groceries etc. AND buy my engagement ring with that money! The funds he has set aside has almost always come in handy and I have never discouraged that. He basically has our O!Sh! money and I am sure there is more than he says there is - does not bother me.

So you're saying that you don't have enough money to pay the bills and he is telling you the money is gone? I'd be pissed off.

This is what I would do. I would stop everything. I'd work on the budget and see if it was doable at all. If it is not something you can do then pick a bill for something "he" likes then stop making payments on that. If it's the electric bill the so be it. When the cut off notice comes he'll either fork it over or he'll let it get turned off. Test him.

See what he'll do. If you go to him and say "honey, I have tried so hard to do this and the money is just not there. I don't know what to do."

I think I'd be so pissed off. I know there have been times when I was going without to make sure the kids were getting what they need then stuff would be gone. There were times where I didn't have shampoo or bar soap just so I could buy milk for the kids.

I saw him take the gallon of milk and chug half of it. I WAS PISSED OFF!!!!!!! I had done without shampoo to buy that for the kids! Here he was drinking the whole thing. I yelled at him and chewed his hiney out. Then he pointed out that I get a pop a day so what was the difference.....put me in my place. So I decided that if we talked about the bills and planned ahead I would feel differently.

Asking him to help you make the budget and skewing the information to manipulate him a bit isn't bad since he's doing this. He may not really understand what you're going through. He may not really see things from your side too so you have to make him understand.

If you're making it okay without this money then him saving it is a good thing. He's got to be able to convey to you what the money is for though.

I tend to be a little passive aggressive when it comes to things, so I would leave the deposit slip on the dresser with a post it letting him know that you want to talk about this after the children go to sleep.

I don't think that I would be angry about the savings account, but I was be mad as a hornet over the secrecy. What is he saving the money for and why can't you be aware of it?

Maybe there's a good reason for it or maybe there's a reason for it that will be a massive blow to you. Brace yourself either way, but by all means address it with him. Tonight.

Maybe he is going to surprise you with a second honeymoon, trip of a lifetime etc.

Just assume the worst! Assume means make an a$$ out of you and me! But definately tell him you know about the account and 1. want your name added to it Monday morning and 2. ask why he would hide money from you when money is so tight and such a struggle. Hopefully you will get a great surprise like he is secretly saving for Hawaii (or whereever you really want to go) for a second Honeymoon/family vacation etc. BUT if he refuses to put you on it or gets angry that you know know it would call for some serious conversation!!! Just don't start off accusing and mad!!!

What would concern me is the fact that he was hiding this from you. why would he stash away money and not tell his wife and partner about it?

You said, "his bank account." Aren't all you bank accounts in both names? My DH and I decided that, when we got married, we would open up all our bank accounts in both names like our parents did. We did it out of trust and assuming that we would be together until "death do us part." Either one of us can go down to the bank and withdraw all the money and leave town, if we really wanted to. We both know it's not going to happen. I do have a "stash"/money jar just like my mom does. It is hidden, but he did find out about it when we ran sort of money one time. That was when I let him know, that I was stashing money just incase we needed it or I wanted to buy "something special." He was glad I did that and told me to continue, because he would have spent it all. I don't know what to tell you. If you both have separate accounts, it does sound kind of fishy depending on the amounts that are going in. If it's small amounts, then he's probably just stashing it for an emergency/until it's needed like me. If it's large amounts....you might want to find a gentle way of asking why he's doing that. If you have no marrital problems, you both might want to put all accounts in both names. Also, you mention about expenses. You might want to look at the expenses together and figure out how you can cut down on expenses. I cut DH's and my hair. We don't eat out except for eating off the dollar menu once/week at BK. Best wishes.

Don't think the worst and don't play games. Just come out and ask, "Hey, what's this for?" Don't be accusatory. Have a discussion. If he tells you that it was supposed to be a surprise, forget about it until the surprise is revealed. If he's hiding something--for whatever reason--he really should do a better job. Don't feel guilty for finding it and looking at it.