Help with Hygiene Talk

It's hard living in one house especially a small one with two families speaking from experience. If I were you I would talk to her. If I had bad hygiene I would want to know so people wouldn;t talk behind my back.

Hi M.,

I am not sure why your sister is living with you...maybe a "rough patch"...it serves no one if you are allowing her to "heal" with no forward movement...Everyone needs to be a contribution in the household...and certain rules must be maintained...you may just need to have a blunt conversation with your sister about proper hygiene and what chores she is willing to take on...Enpower her to her greatness...Support her in getting healthy...some smells are diabetis related, and given her size it might be an issue...Tough love is true love...Consult your husband...come up with some ground rules that are the very minimum you will accept and then lay them out for your sister...You want her to be happy, healthy and able to stand on her own two feet...

My heart to yours,
T.

Hi M.!

Well, I think that I speak for alot of us that your sister is being......how do I nicely say......rude! BUT..... I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, to try to figure out why people do this to those they love....gosh, this is sooooo common!

It almost sounds like she might be depressed. Maybe she's having a hard time "budging herself" to do anything to help herself and you. Maybe, she's at a point where she can finally "relax" because you are able to handle things for her for awhile...the problem is, she beginning to take advantage of your generosity and love for her, and it's simply not fair to you, your husband, nor your daughter .

I don't know how long she has been living with you, but I think 6 weeks should be enough time for her to "relax" in your home, then it would be a fair amount of time for her to start "earning her keep".

It sounds like you may need to talk to her. Don't expect "subtle hints" to work. I would tell her that you are so glad to have her around and help her through this difficult time in her life. Tell her you've heard these situations have made relationships worse sometimes, and you want to make sure that doesn't happen to your relationship with her. Tell her that before she moved in, you were having trouble keeping up with everything in your life and it was stressful. And, although you want to help her, you would appreciate if she could helping keep your small home less "chaotic".

Then I would ask her (gently), "so, what's your goal? Do you have a 'plan' of attack to get back on your feet?" If you say something like that, then she will know that you do not intend to house her forever.

If she reacts negatively to any of this, then it is her "problem"...her lack of self-esteem, depression, whatever... Then, apologize for making her upset. Tell her that you were just trying to prevent yourself from getting frustrated in your home home and thought that honesty was the best way to approach the subject. She'll think twice about her negative reaction and things should get better after that :o)

Keep your Faith, and love for your sister. It will all work out.

Blessing to you and your family.

:o) N.

As to the housework, if it were my sister I would just casually say one day 'hey sis, since you're going to be here for awhile, let's say we sit down and divide up some of the household chores. I could sure use the help." and go from there. As for her hygiene, you might do something like bring out a hygiene product and tell her you just bought it and are not sure you like it and ask her if she will give it a try and let you know what she thinks. Maybe that will get her to use a hygiene product. Good luck! I can tell that your sister means a great deal to you and you are worried about damaging your relationship. I feel for you. Good luck!

First, it sounds like your sister is feeling "entitled" in your home. It doesn't sound like she is being greatful for they help you are giving her. If she were, you wouldn't have to ask her to help around the house, etc. Now with that said, the fact that this is your older sister has NOTHING to do with anything. Additionally, she isn't older by much, so don't feel odd about saying anything. Reminder her you are family and as such who else can you be open, honest and candid with?

You can approach your conversation in a way that it is about what you have observed recently. And now that you have had her staying with you for a little time, there are some concerns you would like to address. Remind her that you love her and are happy to help her, but for this to work out, you need to have open communication because unresolved things could fester and strain the relationship.

Then, begin telling her that you have noticed that you are the only one cooking, and although you do enjoy cooking, that she is now a member of the household and should pick up some of that responsibility. Otherwise, you can be the cook, and she can clean the kitchen the days you cook. Secondly, more people in the house makes it harder to keep an organized house, and you noticed that you have been doing most of the maintenance. Although she has helped, it hasn't gone unnoticed that you have had to ask her to help each time. Perhaps you can divide the chores or she can just make it a point to clean up when she sees messes. In the very least, she should get up and help you if she sees you cleaning because it isn't right you have to ask.

Finally, tell her that you are concerned with her hygene. Explain that your intentions are not to embarass her, but you are being a concerned sister and want to help her by making her aware of what isn't right in that area.

Talk to her face to face, one on one, and look her in the eye the whole time. Don't concern yourself with the fact she is your older sister, but more that this IS YOUR SISTER and you owe it to her, because you love her, to help her, not just with shelter, but with anything you observe while she is in your home.

My sisters, brothers, cousins, and I have made it a point all our lives to remind each other that we have to be honest with one another. And that if we tell each other something that isn't the most easiest thing to say and can be embarassing, it is because we care and as family we owe it to each other to promote one another.

Say a prayer to yourself before you get started that your sister is open and listens to you and doesn't get offended. Thank the Lord when you are done.

Best wishes to you.

Tell your sister the brutal truth some times people need to just be honest and up front, cuz it hurts more when you just sit back and say nothing at all!! besides she is your sister and will always be your sister, times for some honesty right about now for the sake of your husband your sister will still love you and care about you, plus she needs to know!!!!

Well you may not like what I have to say but going to share with you anyways. I have found wether relatives or friends if you allow something to happen it will continue until you do something about it. Once a person can see they can take advantage they will continue until you put your foot down.

This is your house and you are allowing them to live in your house. I think it might be a good idea that everyone in the house has chores, her kids as well. I would tell her that everyone in your family is having an issue with your cleanliness and dont just put it on your husband to be the bad guy. Then just tell her if she cannot pick up after herself and her kids and do her part then she ill need to find other arrangements. Tell her you love her and do not mind being there ot help her out but it needs to be a partnership and not you the mom and her the kid.....The golden rule do unto others as you want them to do unto you. also i would go back to fixing dinner for just your family and setting the table for just you and your husband and daughter and let her figure out what she is going to do to feed herself and her kids. she is treating you and your family as a doormat and it is time to pull it out from under her and set your limits....tough love is harder but these issues can grow into resentments and eat at all of you and possible end all relations eventually I have seen this happen too many times.

good luck in your situation, i will be praying for all of you.

Dear M.,
I am wondering if your sister might be depressed. You didn't mention why she is staying with you.
When I stay with my sister, or any other relative, my kids and I pick up every towel, kleenex, dish, that we use. I help fold laundry or vacuum or whatever I can do to help. The only thing I stay away from is the cooking unless I am asked to help put something out. My sister and brother in law are exceptional cooks and they have their system down. My dear friend that we go stay with alot has her own routine and gets nervous when she's got a bunch of people in the kitchen offering to help. She'll ask me to help with deli trays and things, but for the most part, the kitchen is her domain. So, we do other things to help while we are there.
I don't think that it would be offensive for you to say to your sister....When we are done in the bathroom, we hang up our towels so they can dry and not spoil or put them in the hamper. I got you a little bin to put your personal toiletries in when you're not using them. Sis, I have another load of laundry to put in the dryer. It would really help me out if you'll fold and sort this clean dry stuff for me so I can get it put away. Come in...let's talk while we load and unload the dishwasher and put things away together.
Your 16 year old niece can help with those things too. And enlist your nephew....Aunt M. needs you to take out the trash. It would be a really big help.
My son LOVES his uncle and will do anything he asks because he feels like he's helping.
Just give it a try. You are family. One thing about families is that you all have to work together and help each other out. Maybe she's just not sure what she should be doing. But, if you handle things the right way, she will be happy to help and you will look forward to her coming back again. Not to mention missing her when she's gone. She can do things the way she does them in her own home, and still be happy doing things the way you do them in yours when she visits.

Best of luck and wishes.

Have you ever heard of Carpman's triangle? It is a theory about co-dependant relationships. The points of the triangle are victim, rescuer, and perpetrator. When someone is a victim most people want to try to rescue them but was quickly happens is that when you get tired of taking care of that person they turn on you and you become the perpetrator. Someone who is a victim doesn't take responsibility for their own actions. I wonder if that's maybe what is going on in your home right now. We like to rescue people because it feels good but the truth is that whatever your sister is going through she needs to take acoountability for and change her own life. She certainly needs to have more respect for you and your family but she may not know that yet.

Have an honest but respectful conversation with your sister. If she gets defensive it's because she may not be ready to be accountable for her behavior. That's okay for now. What is important is that you set boundaries and expectations in your home. Set up house rules and be prepared to follow through with consequences if they aren't followed. It's your home and your life and you can't save someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Your sister probably won't change until she's got some skin in the game. It will absolutely be the best thing you can do for her. If she learns to take responsibility for this she can move forward with making good decisions that will improve the rest of her life. :)

Good luck!

You need to have a sit down talk with her with no tv on and no other distractions. Tell her thatyou and your husband don't mind helping her out until she gets on her feet but that you like a clean house and expect the bathroom to be clean after every use. Tell her that you don't think you should have to make a chore list for a 33 yr old woman and her almost grown children. Everyone needs to pitch in if they asre going to stay. A little rent might make her want to get on her feet quicker too. Its your home so take control of it back. Just be honest about her hygiene.

Dear M.,

You're living in a commune and you are the resident "DOORMAT"! You say your husband gets along great with your sister? Well it is sit down time with the whole clan and he can be the head of the house. How long are your sister and her big kids going to be staying with you and your family? If it’s a few days, grin and bear it…any longer:

It doesn’t matter if she’s your older, younger or identical twin, you have a small house with one bathroom…everyone has to pitch in and keep the place livable. When you talk about POOR HYGENE, do you mean she stinks, has bad breath, and doesn’t bathe regularly, change cloths, or what? How about her children? Cooking, cleaning, washing up, and respecting YOUR household standards will have to be understood.

You can start with, Sis, I’m glad you’re here and your welcome to stay __________(you have to fill in the blank., but we have a small place and I’m going to need you and the kids to help with the following:

(again, your house fill in the blanks).

She will either get hurt, mad, maybe leave, or hopefully get with the program. If you or your husband don’t have the courage to do this….show her the answers you get from your fellow MAMA’s.

Family, you gotta love em!

Dear M.,

Regardless of birth order, you and your family deserve respect and help from anyone who would be staying in your house for a period of time. You might ask yourself how you would handle this if it was a friend and not your sister. That might free you from some constraints and help let sibling issues be put aside. I would suggest that it is time for a general family meeting where you can all talk about how much you enjoy having a larger family and that it means everyone being clear on family expectations. Your children will also benefit from seeing a family decision and how to talk about tough topics. A chore list could help and it could be rotated - I would work this out with your husband first, then make it seem like this is how your family operates. If your sister doesn't want to play nice, then tough love is in order - straightforward and clear guidelines for all adults living there. This way you can all enjoy each others' company, as it sounds like you do, and leave the resentment behind. Best luck

I agree w/ Lissette. You are giving to your sister and she is taking it with no gratitude. She is your sister, but she is a terrible friend.
You need to establish a time-line for her to be out of your house. It sounds like she needs a little fire lit under her booty to get it off your sofa.
Stop being a door mat! Jesus taught us to stand up for ourselves and to take care of our own problems before we try helping others.
This situation can't be good for your daughter - what kind of example is Auntie setting for her?
It's going to be a very difficult conversation, but keeping it bottled up and festering will be worse for everyone in the long run!
I've been in a similar situation - my father-in-law came to visit and stayed for 19 months. We lived in a 1BR, 1 BA in San Francisco & it almost ended our marriage. My husband finally got up the nerve to talk to his dad and gave him a timeline to get his own place. Then we moved out of town just to be sure!

It's important to establish agreements for living space among multiple families.

Have the talk about expectations. Have the children participate in the discussion. Devise a chore chart, cooking night (ask her children to help you prepare dinner, set the table, fill/empty dishwasher, etc.), cleaning routine, etc.

Presuming this is a temporary living arrangement, include a deadline for moving out with intermediate goals to reach between now and then.

(I had a similar circumstance with my older brother - no hygiene issue or kids, but lack of motivation, family participation, etc. One day, he yelped at me, "Can you just leave the house ONE day WITHOUT giving me SOMETHING to do?!" I responded, "Could you get off your butt like a grown man and do something without being TOLD?!"
Anyway, we set a move out date with goals and budget needs. He met them, but he couldn't get into his new apartment until 2 days after the deadline. BUT we did not allow him to stay. So, he stayed with my sister for the other two days. We have NO hard feelings - it was 11 years ago, and love each other dearly. We just KNOW we cannot live together)

Have a good talk from the standpoint that you should have established "Ground Rules" prior to blending the family. Ground Rules include everything from respect to responsibility. Good Luck, and pray before you approach her.

~ Wife of 1 ~ ;0)
~ Mom of 4: girl, boy, boy, baby on the way.
~ Youngest Sister of 2: girl, boy

HI. I would just talk to your sister and let her know what you expect of her while she stays. You are going out of your way to house her and her kids, I think she can respect your rules. If you say nothing then eventually you are going to blow and it will be messy. Talk quietly and calmy to her and her kids, they are old enough to know how to behave in someone else's house and can help out. And I would state things not directed to her like I like the bathroom towels hung up after use instead of you need to hang the towels after your shower, etc.

I hope it goes well. Say a little prayer and trust in God it will go OK.

Your house, your rules. It might be hard since she's your older sister but you have to tell her or you will be miserable. If she's going to be there on your good graces she needs to make changes. That includes the hygiene. I've already decided that if I ever have to take care of my mother I'm telling her if she's going to live with me she's going to wash her hands after she poops.

I don't know about the hygiene part....that is tricky. About helping.....How about you right down your cleaning regime and home schedule...shopping, meals etc. Show her and ask her if she can get some groceries, pick up kids or do a few of the things...
Sometimes it is difficult to know.... What To Do
If she sees your schedule it may help.

I have two thoughts on the matter: 1) If your sister is really large, hygine may be difficult logistically. I don't mean to be coarse, but can she fit into the bathtub/shower? Can she reach all parts of her body? It seems odd, but these things can become a problem once someone gets really large. Even changing clothes can become difficult for very large people. If this is a possibility, consider when she was smaller. Was hygine a problem then? The issue of her size may tie into the possiblity of depression. 2) Has your daughter (her neice) spent much time with her in the past? It's amazing what children will say. You may not have to say anything--your daughter may do it for you, thus opening the topic up for conversation.

I'll never forget the time when one of my coworkers (a second grade teacher) told me one of her students told her that her breath smelled like poop. How's that for getting the attention to dental hygine?

Good luck.

Your sister obviously has some issues, maybe she is depressed. However, I think that it is time for some "tough love". This is no way for an adult (or child) to behave, it sounds as if you are doing your sister a huge favor and she feels as if she is entitled. You should sit her down and let her know what you expect. She should really know better than to behave this way, it's just very basic manners. She may be your older sister, but she is behaving like a spoiled child. In addition, your daughter and your sister's children are observing her behavior and that is not a behavior that you would like them to pick up.
I am sorry, I have no idea how to gently break it to her that she has hygiene issues. Sorry, just thought that you might need a bit of a push to get you to do what you probably already know that you should do. An honest, firm but loving conversation with your sis. Good luck!

Pray about it. I would start with we are limited on space and if you could clean up after yourself everytime you use the bathroom it would be helpful. Also, give her something to in charge of. Say so there isn't any resentment how about I do all the cooking and you do the dishes and have her be in charge of scrubbing the bathroom every Friday. I know being the youngest can be hard, but it is your house.

M.,

Sit down privately with your husband and come up with a list of what you would like as far as rules go. Make up a schedule/chore list if need be to keep her and all the kids helping out. Is she looking for a job? How long are you opening your home to her? Give her a set, realistic time to find a job and move out on her own. Do the kids pitch in? All the kids should be given some sort of chores to help ease the burden and build a sense of responsibility.

As far as the hygiene goes, she has to be told that her hygiene not only puts you and your family off, but will prevent her from getting jobs that she might otherwise qualify for. It may sound cold to have to tell her, but it is better coming from a loved one than someone who barely knows her.

Good luck!

Jackie